DH wants horses

Just to answer your previous question. When I go away I have a number of free lance grooms I can call on to look after them. That is not so much of an issue.
What is harder having them at home is the day to day stuff and dealing with things when they go wrong. Mine has had various accidents and illness where I've had to rehab him after. I've also probably had more lessons since I got my own horse than I ever had before as I've still needed the help with training a young horse.
I really love my horse and I also love having him at home. But even with 30 years experience I found it hard when I had sole responsibility.

Best to get one on loan first.

Haha. Maybe!

I'm not a horsey person at all, but I am inclined to say YABU, for a couple of reasons.

Your husband rode as a teenager, so understands that work involved in looking after a horse (albeit maybe not having done it every day), and you have the money. My answer would be very different if the thought had just popped into his head, and you would need to take out a loan to cover the move.

However (again as a non-horsey person) I wouldn't be doing any of the care/work for the horse- that would be for him to do himself or organise others to do it.

The emotional cost of horses is huge. My friend had to have her horse PTS for intractable lameness and was completely devastated. It isn't like losing any other pet.

I'd definitely suggest he gets a horse and keeps it at a yard now while he house hunts - that way he can really test out if he want to get a couple more and keep them all at the new house?

And make sure you are absolutely clear that it's his hobby and you're not getting involved at all - if he is ill or breaks his leg or has to go away on business he needs to find a horsey person to cover him.

Do you have your own job? your own money saved?

Because if your husband is the only bread winner I can understand that he wants to do something for himself after decades of hard work.

As long as you make it clear that he will be responsible for caring for his horse, I don't think he is unreasonable for wanting to realise his life long dream.

I am the person you quoted.

I owned a couple of farms and had multiple horses on them. I only returned to the city when my old mare was put down and I decided I was done with the countryside for a while. I honestly didn't find anything to stress about, I enjoyed all of it. They fit in with my lifestyle, they were honestly not as expensive or inconvenient as people claim, I suppose them being a few metres from my house helped. I am not minimising I simply don't think it's that big of a deal. He can also clearly afford to outsource if needs be, hired help, pay people for repairs to fencing etc, holiday cover.

I'm the sort of person who is used to doing a lot though and not really phased by the outdoors. I also have multiple boats and and tend to do a most of the work myself, and don't find that particularly taxing either, but the way people talk you wonder why anybody owns one.

I think a lot of these type of posts become a race to the bottom, for who can suck the most joy out of the situation or think of the most outrageous hoop that DH must first be jumped through before he has earned a pony. It's insulting and infantilising. He's not a 15 year old expecting mum to pay for it. He's a grown man with 400k saved up who can make his own decisions.

If op posted that she wanted the horse, had told her husband, had waited 5 years while she saved that mount of money, but then her husband was acting as a roadblock, didn't want to move, didn't want to accommodate her dream. She would rightfully be told to leave him and pursue what she wants from life. She would be told he was massively unreasonable and controlling towards her. That life is too short not to do the things you want.

Why doesn’t he look at some full time loans. That way he can have a horse, bring it to his yard and he will be responsible for everything to do with that horse. The only difference is that he can give it back to the owner if things don’t pan out (he gets bored and the op gets landed with the care). Make sure you have a contract, normally you can give a months notice to hand the horse back (and they can give you a months notice to take it back).

I did this with my dd as she wanted to buy. I said if she could prove she was prepared to do all the work, then in 6 months time we’d look. she smashed it, from October to March she went to the yard twice a day (plus is was winter), covered the costs of the livery, vets, shoes, physio, dentist etc. so when it came to buying I was happy to support her. She’s 17 and an equine student so at least I know she’s got a great support network and it’s fairly knowledgeable.

@BobbyBiscuits or perhaps the op should get him a gerbil to check that he can look after a small , cheap , low maintenance pet solo before he even considers a larger animal like a horse.

Imo he'd struggle with the rodent without help.

My experience with our lovely pony has been one of great great joy, the feeling when it’s all going well is… indescribable really. There were multiple times at a competition when we were cantering along, as a team, and my heart could have burst with pride at our teamwork. If I could have bottled the feeling and sold it I’d be a millionaire.

For me, those (comparatively short!) moment made it worth the hard work, often drudgery in winter, soaked to the skin, chilblains etc etc. It’s not even the winters and never ending work that was (really) an issue.

It was the absolute depths of despair when things go wrong - which being horses they do regularly. Field injury with 6 months boxrest, meaning the costs went up, needed attending to 3 times a day every day (huge impact on the rest of the family), months and months of inhand walking. My whole life revolved around it. We got 4.5 months in to the program and he redid it. The toll it took on my mental health was awful, and of course that spilled over into other areas of my life. He did come right in the end.

But the thought of all of that falling on a novice (which I’m afraid he is), with no experienced horsey support, either practically or emotionally, when you’re alone on your own yard with a wife who (understandably!) doesn’t want to be involved and holding down a high powered job… Yes yes, he could be lucky and never have a days problem… but he might not, and if he’s unlucky then the reality is going to hit like a ton of bricks.

If this is a lifelong dream, I get it. Once it’s under your skin, that’s it. But there are more responsible ways of making that dream happen, with a view to the end game of having a horse at home once you’re knowledgeable enough.

Take lessons now

Get a share horse so you gain more hands on experience both ridden and care, and live with the reality of the commitment 3 days a week.

Buy a safe, sensible school master and keep it on full livery for a while, moving to DIY in a year. At that point you might find that he’s happy as he is- he gets his own horse to enjoy but company and support when needed. He can then think about moving horses home if he still wants to.

The red flags started when he refused riding lessons saying 'its not the same if your not riding your own horse'. Says the man who's never owned a horse!

It's a full time commitment and if you don't spend hours on it a day you'll need to employ someone to muck out, feed the horse, exercise it. Then there's farriers, vets, medicine, tack, insurance and just the physical presence of a horse and it's needs.

My cousin has one and it's kept in a field but the upkeep is over £1000 a month. And she's a vet, so that's minus a lot of that side of things cost wise.

Another friend of mine dragooned her poor mum to buy her one about 25 years ago and remortgaged the house. The horse is now elderly and lame and unusable but still costs them fortunes in livery and upkeep. While the woman and her mum struggle to pay their bills.

You're definitely not wrong he seems to be vastly underestimating the level of responsibility. Cost, time, emotionally.

At the very least he should at least start getting confident riding other people's horses or maybe a share/loan of one. Make friends with horsey people who can give him advice.

Of course there's joy, but the reality of having your own yard, is it takes work. It isn't throwing the horse out and checking it once a day as the person I quoted said it is. They were minimising the graft of not just looking after the horses but of maintenance of the paddocks, stables, hedges etc.

Yes you can get someone in to do your horses whilst you're away - it adds another level of cost to your holiday.

If you also compete, it can be all consuming.

I've had horses for nearly 4 decades so please don't patronise me.

You make it sound miserable. My experience with my horses was a joyful one, and not at all the same.

Perhaps it's not for you? I wouldn't continue something if I found it as unrelaxing as you describe.

Also the 365 days a year thing us simply not true. Plenty of horse owners go on holiday, they just arrange appropriate care for the animals first.

As a horse owner over 35 years this really isn't my experience what it's like. It's 365 days a year.

It's getting the vet out on Xmas day and sitting with your horse to make sure its OK and missing Xmas dinner.

It's mucking out at 6 am before work and having to have a shower before going into work because you stink of horse piss.

It's trudging through the field to bring them in while is raining and blowing a hooley after a hard days work and getting soaked through.

It's sorting out the farrier because they have an abscess.

It's not going on holiday because . . . you have a horse.

it's not riding because the paddock has to be sprayed, or topped.

It really is a way of life not a hobby.

He should spend that money on a lovely horse and keep it on a luxury yard. I grew up with horses on our own land, stables, school, the whole shebang. It was great as a kid but the amount of maintenance it took in time and money for my parents/hired help was insane. Even if I was a millionaire I would keep a horse at livery over being at home. He can go to his luxurious stables, have a lovely time with his horse then come home to his nice house where everything doesn't stink of horse shit and the fences remain intact.
£400k is a lot of months of full livery!

First post in and the MN overuse of the word controlling has appeared.

The OP isn't being controlling for goodness sake. She is being cautious.

I have several horse owners as friends, and know just how much of a tie owning a horse is if you don't have it in livery where someone else can help out. Although I agree about livery politics. It can get quite bitchy and people move liveries quite often as a result.

The owner has to visit the horse twice a day to feed, clean and exercise it. If you can't or won't do this every. single. day 365 days a year then you shouldn't own a horse, and you can never go on holiday either.

I think the best thing is to have a horse on loan before he buys one. Loaning horses happens a lot round here.

@Dreamingohorses you need to be very clear with your husband that if he gets a horse he looks after it. You will have nothing to do with it.

People keep raising the money issue here. And while horses are expensive, I don’t think it is going to be an issue for someone who has managed to save £400k in 5 years.

I have two elderly ponies here, and have kept various combinations of ridden & non-ridden ponies over the years. There are good and bad points about keeping horses at home.
It's really hard work, but it does keep you fairly fit.
Horses break things so upkeep of the land/fencing can cost a lot, but it's still cheaper than livery.
You can set your own rules, but there isn't always someone to ask for advice.

Before he gets into this for real I would ask him if he has really costed it out. Will he buy land with stables? Or will he want to build his own? Has he looked at the price of this lately? Also the cost of vet fees, farrier, insurance, feed, bedding, running a horsebox/trailer, the back lady, the horse dentist, the cost of veterinary drugs, the saddle fitter...I could go on, it's endless! Also has he looked at the horse market lately? Prices have really gone up, gone are the days when you could pick up a decent bargain. I don't think I'll be having any more after the two I've got are gone, purely because of the increased costs.

I can understand why he feels this way, once horses get into your blood it's hard to shake off that longing, and if you get the right horse, it can do wonders for your mental health. But practicality has to come into it, and it is an extremely expensive hobby. Not fair on you, your husband, or the horse, if you find that you can't afford to do it, six months down the line.

Actually, re-reading your OP, I find it telling that your husband has the determination to save 400k for his dream but can't be arsed to go for regular lessons. If he wanted to bond with his own horse that desperately, he could have bought one long before now and kept it at livery. I started to learn to ride at 18 and had a weekly lesson, went on riding holidays and volunteered. You couldn't keep me away from horses. Is your DH's fantasy more about himself and the way he is seen rather than about a horse? Because if so, he is in for a land. The reality is not going to match up to the fantasy and his horse (s) will end up sold. It's not really fair to do that to an animal.

This with bells on! 👆

You will be burning money, you’ll end up with at least two if you keep them at home. The older you get and your back hurts poo picking in the rain is not fun. He needs to research the cost of shoeing, annual vaccinations, hay, rebuilding your fencing when the horse has broken it, the cost of a saddle, bridle , grooming kit. It just goes on and on!

Let him at it. There is no need for you to involve yourself.
Maybe you'll find you are allergic?

Has he laid out in clear plans what a typical day of horse ownership would look like?

I would suggest...if he can commit now to spending an hour outdoors early in a morning and after work (e.g. by just going for a walk for now) and can commit to that pattern for a month then can consider horses. Saying that, I don't know how much time in a day horse ownership takes up. But he needs to be able to prove he can fit in this around his current life and commitments.

I wouldn’t like being “told” what we are doing. It’s a big decision and not his alone. It’s not exactly teamwork.