DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

I would have said Op's husband made it all about him!

But his dad died, and you’re making it all about you.

I totally get this. My DH had amazing parents and they assured him and he then. My DH is constantly asking me to ask my dad to help me with this/that/the other and he simply can’t grasp that we don’t have that relationship. I would rather walk 10 miles to get petrol in a can, than ask my dad to pick me up. We lived in a house 6 doors from my dad for 7 years and we probably saw each other (on purpose) maybe 4-5 times a year when he occasionally remembered a birthday or Christmas. But that’s not to say he doesn’t love me and I don’t love him. It’s a very complex thing and we aren’t close at all. And my DH just can’t grasp that in any way.

I disagree with most posters here. I do not think YABU. There’s a time and a place, and this wasn’t the right time or place. If your DH's anger was with his father rather than his mother, he should have spoken to his father about it years ago rather than upset his bereaved mother at an occasion like that. It also wasn’t his brother's fault if their father treated them differently.

Everyone seems to be assuming that what OP's DH said is true. He certainly has strong feelings of anger and hurt, but we don’t know whether his picture of himself as the innocent victim is correct. Even if it is, causing a huge row in front of extended family is not the best way to deal with it, especially when the person he is most angry and hurt about is no longer there.

I’d be nothing but horrified and embarrassed. There’s no excuse for drunken, loutish, aggressive behaviour. Not ever.

No-one with a shred of manners, dignity or decorum would ever behave like this.

I feel for him ... His mum is hardly going to say yes he was treated badly and i did nothing about is she ? And golden boy isn't either. .
So just dump more shame on him..
I don't think your actually really reading the thoughtful responses posters have put about how difficult it can be when you feel the scapegoat/ black sheep..less favoured and someone dies...

If you must respond to your mil... Something simple like.. well he's very upset...
Maybe puase and think for a bit about why he may feel that... Rather than knee jerk into embarrassment/spoilt/pursed lips what will the neighbours think..
Which seems to be where your at .. its much harder in many societies for men to have open emotional conversations and often bottled up feelings just blow at intense emotional points especially with the effect of alchol..
Maybe see if he can access some bereavement support and counselling rather than calling him spoilt

Your poor DH he must have been so upset.l am sure everyone will understand his distress and be discreet .

Poor poor man. He has spent his life not feeling valued by the one man who is meant to care for him, then spend yesterday 'celebrating' his life and how marvellous he was. Add alcohol to the mix and no wonder he blew.
Please encourage him to get some counselling in time.

Yep and these drip feeds are getting more juicy.

Why are you livid? His feelings are valid, and honestly, I’ve seen and heard worse at funerals / wakes. Support your DH. Don’t be livid. Be understanding. After all, it isn’t about you.

He is getting in the way of you being independent and working on your career.

He threatens someone with violence while there are children there.

He is often shouty but it is "usually behind closed doors".

OP, c'mon. This man needs to either get into therapy and sort his shit out, or you need to acknowledge that having a child with a man like this is a terrible idea.

Until the predictable drip feed starts when it's an unwanted response! Oh look...🙄

I had a really bad relationship with my DF - he was an alcoholic and very abusive to me as a child - when he died I was devastated-wanting him to come back and be a proper Father to me. When my DM , with whom I had a close relationship, died, although I was terribly sad and missed her, I had nowhere near the strong reaction as I did when DF died. Definitely agree that it’s a very different feeling when you loose a parent you had a troubled relationship with. In my case anyway. Grief effects us all so differently. 😞

It wasn’t “that easily” it was an extremely emotive and difficult situation.

I think you are being unreasonable. He acted awfully, no doubt about that and there may be consequences from his family and that is fair. However, there's clearly a lot of trauma there that has been triggered by his dad's death. You, as his wife, should support him through his grief and trauma. If his family fall out with him that's fair enough and probably deserved if they weren't complicit in any abuse, but you should be the one standing by him and supporting him.

First of all it’s not your family; you have absolutely no idea how he was raised and the dynamics between siblings so in that regard my advice would be, ‘not my circus, not my monkeys’. Having said that he should have handled himself better. He didn’t have to get drunk and then lose control of himself and turn his feelings into a spectacle.

Yes, I can't imagine being married for that long and not once having raised your voice. Then again, there's quite a lot on this thread I Cannot imagine.

I’d just leave it OP. It’s not about you, your DH sounds like he has a lot to deal with. Just be there for him, he’s probably mortified now on top of everything else.

Hmm I don’t think alcohol fuelled rants are ever great, but it sounds like he said a few home truths that probably needed saying. Yes I get the setting may have felt inappropriate, and it’s a shame his mum was upset, but people who were cunts when alive don’t stop being so when they die

I think it’s more unusual to have never shouted tbh. Shouting and losing one’s temper occasionally are the traits of a perfectly normal human being.

yabu. it’s funny how people can be not very nice in life and every knows it but as soon as they are dead everyone has to be nice and speak kindly of them. your partner has every right to be angry.

OP I think yabvu. Funerals / wakes ARE actually the place where these things tend to kick off, grief is rife, emotions are high, nobody can self regulate.

And I disagree that it's not about him. It is.

Your role here is to support HIM not decide if there's truth to the claims.

The shouting at home is unacceptable and should be addressed separately.

He needs to get his arse out of bed and go and apologise to his mum and brother

What? On Mumsnet, usually everything is a man's fault.

Sounds as if he is angry & volatile in general.

Usually when he shouts it’s just me and him, behind closed doors.

I've been married 30yrs & my husband has never shouted.

That's not unusual is it?