DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

YABU.

I know from bitter experience that people can do really odd stuff when they're grieving. And even more so when the relationship was complicated.

I remember my own (normally really level-headed) mum, on the 1-year anniversary of my dads death, going off on an insane rant about some photos I'd had printed for her. They weren't even pictures of dad, but were a few snapshots of her and her sisters taken at a wedding earlier that summer.
Her rant was just so bizarre and out of character that I was utterly thrown and it really upset me.

The next morning, dad's actual anniversary, she suddenly starts crying about how much she misses him. Then I was like, "ah, right." The bizarre outburst was made clear.

In the case of your DH, OP. He needs your love and support, not your anger.

Tell us that you have read the script and think every family situation follows the same pattern without telling us.

Yanbu

It was not the time or the place.

How bloody embarrassing for you.

Tell us you were the golden child without telling us....

Must be horribly traumatic for him. Unresolved issues which feels can now never be raised with his late dad. But…. I agree with you that the funeral was not the time nor the place to raise this so vocally. The funeral had people there who wanted to respectfully say goodbye to him, and by him kicking off in the way he did, it made it all about him. He wanted people to understand what he went through, but the problem is they won’t focus on that now, but will just focus on the fact he disrupted the funeral, which should have been allowed to progress in a respectful way. I’d encourage him to get some therapy and counselling.

I believe his feelings are valid. But his lack of control makes me worried for you. Is he able to control himself when he's upset over other things? Is he aggressive with you at home?

Did people miss the bit where OP said he was off his face drunk.

I'm as sympathetic as the rest of you to the trauma that a death brings - particularly if you had a poor relationship with the deceased but then you don't get off your face drunk - you go, say what you want to but remain in control.

I can't imagine being sympathetic to dh if got roaring drunk at his dad's funeral and threatened his brother "I'll smash your head in" in front of his wife and 7 and 8 year old children. I certainly wouldn't want to give him a hug.

OP, your dh has some really deep unresolved issues and very poor control of his anger - he already shouts at you behind closed doors. For me, I would want him to get therapy to address these issues otherwise - when will the next big blowout be? And will there actually be smashing of heads at the next one? His boundaries when drunk are really really poor.

His mum is probably in denial about how he was treated growing up. My parents think they were brilliant parents to me, they weren’t awful, but I’ve got a lot of emotional trauma from my upbringing that they are in complete denial about.

I think you need to be on his side and support him through this. It’s sounds like he’s going through a bad time.

Bollocks. Absolute bollocks.

I’m firmly of the opinion that there’s very little that can’t be blamed on a man, somewhere along the line. But just maybe there’s a very valid reason why he’s an angry, shouty man. I won’t say that he’s constantly angry, because that’s come from you and is not what the OP actually said. I’m not saying that she should have to accept being shouted at. Of course she shouldn’t. But sad, angry little boys turn into sad, angry men. If she’s going to stay with him, she needs to forget about being embarrassed when the results of his childhood trauma are displayed and instead tell him that he needs to sort himself out so that she and any children don’t have to suffer alongside him. She seems more concerned about seeing his family again than she does about understanding why her husband is the way he is, and whether it’s possible for him to change so she can have a happy marriage.

And, actually, perhaps if parents put a bit more consideration into who they had children with, there were be less traumatised children wandering about when the absolute sodding obvious happens and it all goes horribly wrong. This pregnancy didn’t happen by accident. This isn’t a situation where birth control failed, or a woman gets pregnant with the man of her dreams and he then turns into an abusive arsehole. She actively planned a pregnancy with a man who she knows can’t control his temper when he gets angry and ignores her until he has calmed down. So yes, she does bear some responsibility for that decision. And I would support her until the cows come home with what she does next (which, in my opinion, should be to separate until he’s taken anger management classes and counselling for his emotional issues), but all she’s done so far is put herself on the starting blocks to repeat the whole bloody circle of trauma with the next generation.

Funerals can bring out deep emotional outbursts.
Especially Irish Funerals with a 3 day wake.
He won't be the first or last.
My mother always said that she didn't want her DC to get drunk at her wake. She died during lock-down, there was no pubs open, or wake, she got her wish. 😅
He will feel better soon.

^ this, in a nutshell.
You OP talk to him, reassure him, ask him if he would like to go to therapy.
Embarrassed, that's the least of the issues here.

The always angry shouting man is a big drip feed... That is not just someone losing it at wake/funeral..

If its a repetitive pattern then i thik you should suggest he finds help with his inability to manage emotions... And maybe bereavement counselling could be a gateway to that ..as a condition to continuing a relationship...

Equally think about why you got pregnant with a man that shouts at you..... Maybe look at something like the freedom programme and/or counselling for yourself.. as its really poor recommendation for a parent

I would never apologise for a frequent drunk shouty man... My dad was one.... Equally I would never have children with one.

A mature adult should be able to exercise some degree of regulation over their feelings. His feelings may be valid but to totally lose it on a public occasion and to threaten violence in front of young children and extended family is not excusable. It sounds as if he has no regard at all for the impact on other people.
I don't think OP is unreasonable to feel embarrassed and it also sounds as if he has issues with self control more generally.
OP-it's not up to you to mend this and I don't think it would help to show him that you are angry.
In a couple of weeks I think you do need to talk to him about the anger outbursts and disregard for other peoples feelings, mainly yours. You are about to have a child with someone who sounds emotionally immature.

I’d be live too OP. Of course he can feel upset and angry, but there was no need to get wasted and turn the funeral into a show about him.

Was he drinking? Maybe time to lay off the drink and get some therapy for his family issues.

OP I think you need to focus less on your husband's behaviour at the funeral and more on your marriage and pregnancy.
You seem to be suggesting that you are questioning the future of the marriage. Given that it was your DH who was keen for children, is this pregnancy definitely what you want just now? I'd hold off telling your DH you are pregnant for now until you decide how you feel about this. In the event that you have second thoughts about the pregnancy and opt to end it I'm not sure I'd tell him at all, as he is obviously a pretty volatile person.

I feel sorry for your husband in a way but I do think he behaved badly at the wake.
I have experienced plenty of loss, both parents, my husband, other friends and relatives and I understand that feelings can run high but I don't think it was the place to make a scene and I think he should apologise to his Mum.
There's no point in you expressing anger to him. Personally I would say that you understand his feelings but it wasn't the place and you feel he should apologise.
I would then step back and let him deal with it as he sees fit.
Who knows whether he was really badly treated or whether his perceptions are bit distorted but he's your husband and I would be sympathetic and not question what he says. Its how he sees it and that dictates how he feels.
I do think he would benefit from speaking to a therapist but he would need to be careful in selecting a therapist.

There is a lot of projection going on from other posters with their experiences of abuse. It is not clear from what you have said whether or not your DH was actually abused or experienced a typical childhood in his cultural context.

I recommend that you talk to a close friend who is mature, level-headed, discrete and has insight into your situation. You need to urgently decide on your next steps, especially given that you are pregnant.

FYI...many African families also have a special reverence for the first-born son which can create a level of resentment while growing up. The overwhelming majority of adults outgrow this resentment as they see the generational burdens and extended family responsibilities imposed on the first-born son...and are very grateful for their greater level of freedom.

Usually when he shouts it’s just me and him, behind closed doors. No one else ever sees it. He always apologises eventually, usually after a few days once he’s calmed down. But this time — the way he was so ready to kick off in front of everyone, especially his niece and nephew (7 and 8) — it’s made me rethink things. Like if that’s how easily he loses it, how’s that going to go once there’s a child involved?

It's an emotionally charged event that make it clear he was never going to have the father son relationship he wanted - emotions were always going to be high.

If you weren't worried about shouting before I think it's odd it pick one of the worse moment of his life and then decide you are. If you were in denial and it was always a problem well it need addressing now before there is a baby and extra strain all round.

Like most situations though if you have actual concerns about his conduct wait for a good moment and have an adult conversation about your worries with him. If you get no where well you'll either need outside help - marriage guidance/counseling for him - or you need to consider the entire relationship as babies while lovely do tend to make existing strains worse.

This read like your much more concerned with appearances with his family - frankly if his behavor a real concern that really is the least of your problems. Having a baby with a shouty emotionally out of control man should be were the concern is - not he made us look bad in front of his family.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If he did not see his Dad when he was dying he should not have gone to the funeral. In attending, getting drink and kicking off he made it all about him. I understand he may have issues, but he should have thought about his mum and the rest of the family and you. He did none of those things. I think he needs to seek therapy for his family issues and also for his aggression.

@Colpered with your last update I think
a lot to think about . Seems if this was a one of foe your dh then you would be be more sympathetic but many be it’s the icing on the cake.
Yes think long and hard about having a child in this relationship

Are you happy with this man? Forgetting the funeral for a minute, there are a few potential red flags.
If you are rethinking the whole thing then please remember that you have options and DH need never know. I'd hold off telling him you are pregnant until you are certain it is what you want.

usually after a few days once he’s calmed down

Not a good sign at all. Good men don’t cause such an atmosphere at home for days at a time. It sounds like you’ve just seen his behaviour through others’ eyes for the first time and realised that he’s actually an arsehole.

My brother is like this - when sober he’s the nicest but once he starts drinking all hell breaks loose and he makes everyone around him miserable with his many grievances.

We did have a difficult childhood, but much of what he says when drunk is highly exaggerated and/or straight up fabricated.

Saying that, his mother guaranteeing they weren’t treated differently means nothing. Often parents don’t even notice they’re doing it. However he’s a grown up now and he needs to take charge of getting help with whatever issues he has.

And he made the wake all about him. Despite his mother and brother suffering their own grief.

As I posted earlier, I've been in the same position as him, yet I managed not to get drunk and threaten relatives. There's a time and a place for recriminations.