DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

“made it all about him”. It was about him. His father died. A wake/funeral is for the people grieving. He’s grieving and has suppressed emotions for years which will all have been brought to the fore by the grief. You need to put your feelings to one side and not make it all about you. He needs support and empathy and to know that you have his back.

It’s not about you.

With more information, yes, threatening violence is not okay and he could apologise for that. I'd work on his shouty ways in marriage counselling maybe. He needs to learn to communicate more constructively.

On the other hand, right now, I'd try to look beyond the delivery for the moment, and support him through the hurt that lay under it. His relationship with his father was obviously very complicated and there's a lot of pain there.

When things have settled, I'd gently talk to him about getting some support to work through the feelings he has with the relationship with his father, and help to communicate in more constructive ways. Especially with a child on the way.

Absolutely horrible behaviour making the funeral all about him. But as I saw this at my brother's funeral with various factions ganging up on his ex wife, I made a will saying I don't want a funeral. Much easier.

I doubt the OP's embarrassment at her husband threatening violence in front of young children is going to fade anytime soon.

Fair enough! I never see them except for ChatGPT. I don’t even know how I’d find one on my keyboard!

Lots of people use m-dashes

I bet his mother and brother's feelings are pretty real today as well. And I suspect DH's relationship with his nephews/nieces are trashed for all time.

Alcohol & unresolved feelings from the past will always rise to the surface who knows when, don't be hard on him your embarrassment will fade his feelings are real.

I didn't have a great relationship with my dad after my mum died and he got re-married to a horrible woman. He favoured her adult children and was a pretty shit grandfather to my kids. I still did a reading at his funeral and didn't make any sort of scene.

As OP's DH didn't visit his dad in hospital when he was dying, I'm not sure why he bothered to go to the funeral. It would have been better if he'd stayed away.

YANBU. He started on his grieving brother?!

It sounds like your husband struggles to take accountability for his own actions. As you say, fair enough if that’s how he feels, but to do that at a wake is just unacceptable. He shouldn’t have gone if he hates his dad that much.

Is he the kind of bloke who doesn’t mind kicking off but won’t access actual help? I’d be upset at that too.

Was about to say the same!

I was estranged from my dad and when he died it bought out lots of different emotions, anger, resentment, sadness. At his funeral all the people he drank with at the pub were there talking about how great my dad was but they had no idea how he treated his family and that really upset me and I felt such resentment and anger. Your husband needs compassion and support more than anything.

I have experienced similar at a wake. Drink and emotion were largely to blame (inflamed by the attendance of a parent who abandoned the family while young) . Awful and took sometime for reconciliation but I encouraged it once things settled.

That's handy to know 🙂

I disagree with many posters. He sounds like an absolute arse. I was abused as a child. I would never dream of acting like this at even my abusers funeral. He sounds like a nasty shouty bully.

Are you using ChatGPT to write these posts? The long dash is a bit of a giveaway.

This. He didn't visit his dad while he was dying in hospital, but showed up at the funeral, got smashed and tried to start a fight. Why bother?
His brother had also lost a father. His brother's kids who he kicked off in front of had lost their grandad. His mum had lost her husband. OP's husband is a selfish prick and owes a lot of people an apology. However, it's not your family OP so don't get involved, let him deal with the fallout.

Embarrassment is an appropriate response to putting your foot in it despite your best intentions, to unwittingly walking out of the loo with the back of your skirt tucked into your pants, to reaching for some food and accidentally knocking a glass of red wine over your friend's white trousers... getting hammered at your estranged father's funeral, pouring out your childhood trauma to anyone and everyone and then threatening your brother with physical violence is not the time for being embarrassed. It's the time for being deeply concerned and listening to the wake up call that's just smacked you and everyone else in the face. But the likelihood is that no one's listening so there will be sulking and shame and regrets and reprimands but fundamentally, nothing will change.

This.

Seriously, OP. Think about it. All the feelings on not being loved, always being unfavoured, his 'golden child' brother likely loving the pedestal and rubbing it in growing up and into adulthood, mum standing by and allowing it to happen or worse, joining in, and now no chance for his dad to apologise/try to fix it/or frankly your husband to tell him he was a shit dad and go LC or NC on his own terms. THAT's what came out.

Therapy...

Honestly regardless of history I think having to be pulled away from someone is pretty bad form . I get he is traumatised but violence is never ok in any circumstances. He should be a bit embarrassed .

You need to give your DH some support . You spoke of trauma when he was young, it must've been bad for him not to talk about it , that's probably why it all exploded for him at the funeral .

Nope - it was my brother. He lives abroad. Didn’t come to the funerals (yes neither parent).

Oh please can we stop making excuses for a grown man at a funeral?

He may be the scapegoat. He may also be a loser who blames everyone else for his failings.

Getting drunk and shouting abuse at your family during your father's funeral is horrible.

Abortion. Now. And move on with your life.

My grandma said this to me when I was having doubts about my exH, who I had just married and had been treating me like shit in the run up to the wedding everything can be undone, you can get a divorce, sell the house, make more money, make new friends. But do not have a baby until you are 100% sure this is the man for you because you will be tied to him for the rest of your life

I divorced him a year later and now have a baby with a wonderful man.

Having a baby is an enormous change and it brings out the worst in men.

Don't subject a child to a lifetime of shouting and abuse.