DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

I feel sorry for your husband being honest ..
He drank too much & everything came out .
Be kind to him OP …

I’m actually surprised that so many people think this is an okay way to behave.

He obviously handled it badly, both in terms of how it affected him, and his behaviour at the event.
His behaviour was wrong on every level. Don't make excuses for him. He needs to apologise to a lot of people, starting with you.

OP said he was in bed and she doesn’t know what to say to him and is she unreasonable to be livid?? I think we can deduce she is not being particularly supportive and even if she is she is clearly more concerned about how embarrassed she is and what his other family members think

I think that if you have never felt this way and/or experienced childhood trauma then it's very hard for you to understand.
To judge your husband and have zero empathy, for me, means YABU.

Which includes his mother, the brother he threatened and the two children he threatened violence in front of.

It's staggering how many people are excusing him getting abusive and threatening violence in front of two children at their grandfathers funeral

Like others, I would support your DH and realise his Mum will have her own version of events depending on what suits her - to own up to the fact that she stood by while your DH's dad was abusive could be too much for her to take on. What a shit show.
I'd also ask why you both went to the funeral in the first place? A person's emotional health is far more important than keeping up appearances. If that was my Dad I'd be staying away and having a celebratory drink at home.

As someone mentioned it is interesting that you are not supporting him

She doesn't say she isn't supporting him, she's just saying she isn't happy with what he did, and very few people would be.

As someone mentioned it is interesting that you are not supporting him - very common to replicate parental relationships when older - seems like he may be used to not being supported. I am Irish and recognise the shame aspect but I don’t think the repression is healthy and what has led to this outburst down the line - maybe encourage him to speak to someone like a counsellor and stop seeking answers from his family. His brother is likely fine and being supported by those around him your husband needs your support

That’s what grief and years of bad feeling can do to you.

Yeah, it was defiantly that rather than the eight pints of Wife-Beater.

That’s what grief and years of bad feeling can do to you. Please be kind to him.

OP think every carefully about proceeding with a pregnancy and tying yourself to this man. Whatever unresolved issues he has are not yours to absorb, and certainly not a child's. Life is easier not shackled to a man with anger issues.

YABU-why are you embarrassed? He clearly needs support.

I can’t have a glass of wine in my mothers company in case I say something I shouldn’t - well something I should but you know what I mean. I’m taking this as a reminder to myself to not let a drop of alcohol touch my lips when she pops her clogs. I’ve no siblings but there will be loads of people there telling me how fabulous she was. Husband will be deployed to watch over me like a hawk.

No, I'm not in the "poor diddums" camp.

Don't breed with this abusive dickhead. Nobody should be shouted at, or 'pursuaded' to have a baby. You should have been enthusiastically consenting. I think your marriage deserves a rethink.

I’d be questioning why no one stepped in sooner to help him? Yes, he’s a grown man who is responsible for himself but I can’t imagine watching my husband (or my son, or my brother) getting more and more drunk and distressed, and not intervening. Even the scene of “forcing” him into a cab to go home would be better than what happened, which was totally foreseeable and inevitable once he started drinking and getting upset about how he’d been treated.

His behaviour was inappropriate and I can understand why you’re embarrassed, but I can’t understand the complete lack of empathy you’re showing to him. You can disapprove of someone’s actions but also understand why it happened and still want to help them handle the consequences.

Your poor husband. Let him feel his feelings! And support him

You do not have to attend your abuser’s funeral. You can be out of action on the day and light a candle for yourself and the child that did not have the mother she deserved. You do not have to put yourself through it. You have been through enough already 💐

I have much the same relationship with my DM as your DH had with his father. Only it is my younger sister who is the Golden Child. I too come from a different culture (European rather than Asian) with large orchestrated funeral rituals. I absolutely dread my Mum's death.

The convention is that I should be grief stricken when DM dies but I will not be. Mine will be crocodile tears. My Mum is cold and emotionally abusive and like your DH, I will never be good enough. At her funeral I will, as the eldest child, have to give an eulogy praising her love, devotion, motherly skills etc. I dread it. Not the public speaking but hypocrisy of it. To the outside world DM is an earth angel unable to do wrong and no matter what the family maintains this facade. I expect your DH has endured the same. It is exhausting. In the hightened emotional atmosphere of a funeral it is little wonder your DH lost it. I let my mask drop when drunk recently a a wedding and told all to a cousin and they immediately leapt to DMs defence. I didn't lose my temper or anything but deeply regret venting. it must be far worse for your DH. He must be feeling, both embarassed and even more rejected. I am not condoning the violence that accompanied his anger but I do understand it. So please OP forget about what people think and support him. Children of normal parents cannot appreciate the damage wrought by parents who are not the same and how hard it is to deal with. You learn to live with it but the that hurt inner child never truely leaves you.

Let’s not be hasty. This man had a difficult childhood. His brother was the golden child. He was not. So he did everything possible to heal:

Refused to visit his dying father;
Declined therapy at every opportunity;
Nurtured decades of anger like a bonsai tree;
And waited patiently for the wake.

Then, what a performance!
Drunk off his face? Tick.
Drunken confessionals to strangers? Tick.
Public sibling attack? Tick.
Shouting threats in front of scared children? Absolutely.
Grieving mother? It’s not about her.
And when it was all done, the screaming, the threats and the emotional carpet bombing, he retired to bed.
Meanwhile, his wife, cold, heartless woman that she is, didn’t even thank him for his brave one-man show. She, the real villain of the piece, had the audacity to feel ashamed!

Maybe it was his way of finally releasing his pent up feelings, if his brother was so obviously treated differently/better. His Dad not being there probably made it finally possible?! Yes though, he could have chosen a more appropriate setting for this eek... Can't imagine this favouritism wasn't noticed by others though, and they probably get why he went off on one like that.. I wouldn't worry about it personally!

Getting drunk and airing grievances is never a good look because you'll just come across as a pissed up fool.
If he has childhood issues a bit of therapy may have the answers and the answers are not to be found at the bottom of a glass.

He was out of his face drunk so he probably won't even remember the logics that drove him to threaten violence on his brother in front of two small children.

What do you say to him.

"Darling I understand how angry you are with your dad because you think he preferred your brother and I absolutely empathise with you getting mad drunk and telling your brother that you would smash his head in. Because your grief and anger is way more important than your brother's children's feelings of panic watching a drunk man threaten their father. And certainly more important than your mum's need to grieve"

so much excusing drunken anger on this thread.

So you believe your mil over your husband??

It wasn't JUST about him. His mother and his brother, and others, were also bereaved and grieving. And he turned the wake into something pretty horrific for everyone there.

His mother and brother didn't deserve that. It was probably one of the lowest points in his mother's life, and even if she hasn't been the best of mothers, she didn't deserve what he did. And his brother's kids certainly didn't deserve to be scared by him.