DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

Not sure his fathers wake can the put in the same category as a “family event” … people deal with grief in so many different ways

Great advice but too late after the event for many women and men who’ve got shitfaced and abusive/offensive at their close family funerals. The question is how to address the singular and particular cause of an individual’s choice to behave this way in order to effectuate actual personal responsibility and growth. Of course, I’m referring to real and genuine, people, not made up dramas.

Exactly this

Tell him about your pregnancy and it will give him something to take the focus away from his anger.

A not-particularly-wanted pregnancy is not a tool to calm down angry violent men.

I would suggest he needs support rather than judgment and an understanding of why he felt like this and how you can guide him through this.

Why's it OPs job? He's a grown man, she can't fix his issues for him.

It sounds like your DH is furious because his Dad died and he has unresolved conflict that now he can never address with his Dad. He sounds a bit envious of his brother. Obviously the alcohol made your DH bolder and fuelled the shouting. He shouted at his brother because he can't shout at his Dad. He is obviously going through a very difficult experience and needs your support. Tell him about your pregnancy and it will give him something to take the focus away from his anger. Your DH needs to apologise to his Mum and brother though. I'd be telling him that.

Let's compile a list of things the OP can do to guide him through it. I'll start

1. DH, don't get off your face drunk at family events.

How incredibly sad; I would suggest he needs support rather than judgment and an understanding of why he felt like this and how you can guide him through this.

Yeah, if his drunken grief had lead him to sent a smutty WhatsApp to an ex they'd all be shouting LTB, but threaten a young family and you get unquestioning sympathy.

The only salient detail was given in the original post. He was off his face drunk and threatening and had to be pulled away at a funeral.

But yeah - the man needs a hug.

Even taking the original post at face value, grieving is not an excuse to be a drunken, aggressive lout and disrupt a funeral where there are other bereaved people suffering too.

" A newly pregnant woman, who isn't sure she even wants to have a child and has been subject to what sounds like abusive behaviour for years- and then the stark reality hits when she sees her husband threaten physical violence in front of a 7yo and 8yo - and MN is lining up to tell her, put your fears about your own future aside and support him? " The OP posted about how embarrassed she was about her husband's behaviour at his estranged father's funeral. The details about finding out she was pregant the day the father died and all the other details came much later. The OP was a full post about the author's personal embarrassment about her husband's behaviour at the wake of his father. To put people's objections down to internalised misogyny is in fact to completely ignore and dismiss what a woman posted and what the women on MN were responding to in good faith that the OP was genuine 😒

Yep. Agree. Lots of internalised misogyny going on here.

This is what I don’t understand. He went non contact with his father despite the fact that he was dying. Why attend the funeral then ? I suspect that part of the problem is that he now realises his father is gone for good and there is no chance to put things right. Had he not been so hasty in cutting the contact during his fathers’ dying days, there may have been a chance for reconciliation. Now he’ll never know, and he’ll have to live with that. None of which is an excuse or even a valid reason for behaving like that at the funeral. Other people were grieving - not least his mother, the widow. Many posters here accusing the OP of making it about herself. I think that’s misdirected - her DH disregarded everyone else’s feelings and made it all about him.

And I don’t think she’s least bit unreasonable in wondering how to handle things when she sees her in laws again. She’s part of the family - I think it would be odd if she wasn’t bothered.

Bit snarky

I am flabbergasted at this thread.

A newly pregnant woman, who isn't sure she even wants to have a child and has been subject to what sounds like abusive behaviour for years- and then the stark reality hits when she sees her husband threaten physical violence in front of a 7yo and 8yo - and MN is lining up to tell her, put your fears about your own future aside and support him? Ignore your own flashing danger signals, stamp down your uneasiness and make him a cup of tea?

Oh and "congrats on your pregnancy" - someone even said it might cheer her H up - seriously? She may not want to be pregnant. He pressured her into it!

She sounds "cold" because she is reeling, just discovered she is pg, and scared! She is allowed her own feelings! Of course it is about her, it's her life.

This thread is just awful, accusing her of being a bot and I don't even know what else. Christ.

I’m actually surprised that so many people think this is an okay way to behave.

Grieving men on here get a total free pass for some reason.

Interesting responses here. Yes he is grieving but the funeral was not the time or place for this, especially attacking his brother. I would also find it difficult to face his family again, although you're unlikely to be invited for Sunday dinner anytime soon!

I don’t think you should be livid with him? I think it was clearly a difficult relationship and yes, your DH handled it wrongly but grief can be complicated.
I personally also wouldn’t be embarrassed in front of his family. It’s his family.
id bring him a water, some paracetamol and lend a listening ear. He knows he messed up so doesnt need you telling him too

Why did he attend the funeral? He could have just stayed away.

He soumds awful.
Do you really want this selfish shouty mans child, to be stuck with him?

Don't rush into a decision or telling him.

YANBU. Unless there's more to his dad's behaviour thank favourism.

I get he's upset and grieving, but threatening someone is never OK. The favouritism might have been difficult for his brother too, he didn't deserve to be intimidated at his dad's funeral and their poor mum, its terrible for her.

But I think you still need to offer some sympathy, help him apologise (because no one at the wake deserved his behaviour) and maybe support him in finding some counselling

Sadly in this case, “ in vino veritas “, his deep feelings came to the surface.
He needs to apologise for his behaviour as it was inappropriate.
But it’s obvious he feels this to be true - just the worst place to voice it it after having a drink.

This is a very difficult time for your DH but I can see both sides of this. Embarrassment for you and years of pent up frustration for him. He's also grieving and grief releases a lot of unpredictable emotions that appear without warning.
I know you probably don't feel like it at the moment, but it's important to stay strong for DH and just be there for him. Stay strong 💐

No one thinks its an OK way to behave, but grief - especially grief from the death of a parent - can send people a bit mad for a while and lots of people have empathy for that