DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

Yabu. just yabu.

Everyone grieves in different ways and he sounds like he is carrying a lot of anger towards his late father.

Instead of judging him, why not support him and show him you are there for him. Life is complicated but he sounds like he is struggling in a pile of grief and anger which is not a nice place to be.

Once he clears his head you can support him in making peace with his family too.

Well maybe his Mum should have said something and protected him from favouritism when he was younger.

I don't know if this is common but when I lived in NZ and worked with Maori people they talked of a part of the funeral ritual where the body is taken to the sea and all the relatives can have a chance to say everything they always wanted to say TO the deceased.

This sounds emotionally healthier to me than being forced to accept condolences and be told what a wonderful person your relative was.

When your experience is different and your feelings more complex.

I hope your DH can talk with his bother and mother at some stage when things have calmed down , apologise for getting drunk and causing a scene but talk about his complex feelings and experiences.

But probably his Mum and Golden Boy will just double down in their roles.

Counselling might help him.

Is your DH generally a selfish person? If he's not then the conclusion I would draw from this is that he got absolutely walloped by grief. Poor man.

You could try supporting him.

Completely agree, I'm estranged from my family so can empathise

I did wonder what the combination of factors was for the dh here - whatever it was, i truly sympathise 🥺

Not that simple.
For a start we don't know what caused him to have a go at his brother (I am not condoning his behaviour).

Emotions need time to cool down on all sides, and all parties need a few days to process it all, think through the way forward.

It's really hard, sometimes impossible, to confront this stuff head-on.
There can be a lot of gaslighting with it, some families shut down all conversations that go anywhere near unappealing topics. Then there's blame - the hurt person is unreasonable, demands too much, selfish or self centred, jealous...
Finally there's the risk of making it all worse, of losing what little one has.

My dad did this at his Dad’s wake, he was a terrible alcoholic abusive man and my dad has lots of unresolved trauma from his childhood. He’d had a few drinks and ended up fighting with a relative who was singing the man’s praises.

It was an awful and upsetting experience for us as young children but now I have empathy for him.

He needs to apologise to his mum and brother. Nobody else should be thinking anything other than sympathy and understanding.

Are you Irish OP? Im getting intense shame vibes from your post. Try push through and be there for your husband. He's probably going through a lot.

Pretty much anywhere outside the UK. Where I'm from funeral is within three days, where I live, within a week.

This 100%

That's a fairly normal timeline. Sometimes it takes longer but not always.

This.

Grief does terrible things to you. He obviously feels like he wasn’t treated well enough or had the time he wanted with his Dad and now the time has passed and he never will. That’s a hard thing to deal with.

Like PP says, tell him he’s enough and that you’re there for him. He needs support now more than ever.

Yeah i was expecting to side with you but your man has some real heartbreak, and he hasn't let it out, so it all exploded

Why didnt he confront his dad when he was alive? Stiff upper lip?

Your poor husband - you should go and comfort him and let him know that you support him no matter what, but that its time to really deal with it all and you will be helping

My condolences to him - sounds like he's had an awful time of it x

Leave him be. It's something he can work out with his DB. Many a confrontation has occurred at sad family events.

Agree with everyone else.
No doubt on top of it all he'll also be feeling a lot of emotion following his outburst yesterday, including hurt that no one defended or supported him and that he will be seem by all as the bad guy.

He didn't handle it well but who says he should have to? The sort of parental emotional neglect he experienced is incredibly damaging and does lifelong harm.
He's very vulnerable right now.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now

I'm taking it that you haven't experienced much loss in your life because if you had you'd realise that the death of someone as important as his parent is a traumatic experience that signals the end of the line in terms of being able to reconcile, improve or get closer to. So final, especially as in his childhood mind he may have harboured hope of better times even if he denies it and won't acknowledge it.

Forget the funeral, that's nowhere near as important as your DHs well being. Be there for him, set aside your judgement and find out what he needs in terms of support. Let him cry, scream, go silent. He's the centre of this trauma so he gets to call the shots not you.

Well, his behaviour wasn’t ideal, but at least he was honest 🤷‍♀️

Why should family and friends of the deceased think that he’s a great man and father if he wasn’t?

Too many people have sat through funeral services of utter evil twats who have been lauded as saints, and there’s no need for it really is there?

We should be able to say “Derek died, he was a great father to DC1, but sadly bullied DC2 for most of his life, therefore his death will be difficult for both DC in different ways.” If that’s the truth.

If people want to be thought of as great parents when they’re dead, they should be great parents when they’re alive.

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable, except maybe his dad (while he was alive) because he obviously didn't treat him kindly. Grief is hard enough but when you had a complicated relationship with the deceased it can be a lot harder to navigate- I know firsthand. Try to be gentle with your husband. I'm sure he's not proud of his behaviour.

Died last week , funeral this week . Where do you live ?

I read that and just wanted to give him a hug. Tell him he’s enough. He’s going to feel bad enough as it is without you judging him. Just love and support him through this difficult time

This.

Dying doesn’t absolve all sins. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to stand around family speaking about someone as if they were the best when they treated you badly, add alcohol into the mix and honestly I think this is a pretty predictable outcome.

Was it the perfect time, no, but when is it ever? I wouldn’t blame my husband at all, my own husband has a very difficult relationship with PIL and I could well imagine him feeling like this at their funerals one day, I wouldn’t be angry at him whatsoever.

Grief can bring all of this to the surface.

you say he made it all about him - his grief and the emotions he's feeling are all very much about him, and are obviously genuine.