DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

I'll tell you what. This thread has given me a new understanding of why women excuse and stay with verbally abusive and threatening men.

It is apparently a normal reaction to any bad childhood experience (including your brother being favoured to you) to get off your face drunk, upset your widowed mother, threaten violence right in front of small children, and need to be pulled off your brother - in front of the same children and get slung out.

The response to that should be support, understanding, empathy and ... a hug.

Maybe try being a bit more understanding he’s obviously got some trauma which now his dad is gone- can’t be resolved he needs support not judgement

yeah cos there is nothing toxic about a man who shouts at his wife and is intimidating ( but obviously only behind closed doors) and then terrifies 2 innocent children at the funeral of their grandfather by trying to.attack their father in front of them.
The poor lamb must be excused it all and his wife is a hard faced cow because she has seen a side of her husband she doesn't like!
Honestly this thread is nuts !

OP said she’s from the UK and her DH is from an Indian family.
Wakes are before the funeral in Ireland anyway, not after, so it didn’t really sound like it could be there.

You don't think threatening violence in front of two young children is making a show of yourself or embarrassing? Really?

It wasn't the time or place I agree but families with golden child/scapegoat child dynamics are never healthy. I think what you witnessed was the expression of the angst your husband has been carrying around for decades. Your husband needs empathy and support rather than condemnation.

YABU. He's grieving. Not just the loss of his Dad, but the absence of never having HAD a proper Dad, by the sound of it. Funerals are super-heated.

He didn't 'make a show of himself'. He let out years of bottled up emotion. You should be more supportive. Your embarrassment says more about you, than his emotions do about him.

I'm on your side, If he disliked him so much why go to his funeral. The poor widow had to put up this outburst. Drunks are such a pain. In the end I refused to go to social occasions with my ex if drink was involved because of embarrassment. Why shouldn't you feel embarrassed.

I'm sure that he had an inkling that his emotions might get the better of him. He went there and got pissed increasing the chances of a row.

Whilst I feel sorry that he was hurt by his family dynamics, he isn't the type of man that I'd want my daughter to be involved with, there was children present, I have been to many wakes, if there is an undercurrent of tension, alcohol is the worst in the situation.

Imo he subconsciously knew this would be the outcome. He was NC with his DF, he should not have attended the funeral.

Sometimes the black sheep is treated differently as they're sensitive and emotional. I was the black sheep, it was me that was overly sensitive to things that my siblings could laugh at. I had mh issues and body issues, controlling the family dynamic.

Sounds like Ireland. If you died on a Sunday you would be in the ground Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest. It's how they do it here.

So he was the black sheep, his family are in denial and his wife also seems to follow suit. I feel sorry for him. Sounds like he needs a lot of therapy and to stay away from his toxic family.

So sad he was treated that badly by his family, he will need therapy to get through it.
not shocked it came to a head, the other family members will know why rarely do others not know when parents have favourites.

The suggestion that the police should be called would be constant through the thread...

It's appalling how easily people are overlooking the fact he threatened physical violence, to the point of being pulled away, and did it in front of children.

If the brother's wife had posted on here about her brother in law threatening violence to her husband in front of her and her kids at her father in law's funeral, this would be a very different thread.

Your dh needs professional counselling. He isn’t going to be able to do this alone. Yes it’s presenting as anger; but what has actually happened is he is deeply hurt, and in pain. He needs to heal from his childhood or he will bring all of this damage into your family unit, and project it potentially on to your joint children. Things can
improve with the right help.

Hi OP,

I hope you’re ok- I’ve read all your replies and in that context I think you’re getting a hard time.

Unless your DH was abused or there was massive favouritism which MIL was just oblivious to, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. But I would think very carefully about this - a shouty, angry man with clearly unresolved issues who often shouts at you will NOT make a good father to a baby or a be supportive DH to you when you’re at your most vulnerable. Think long and hard. What if he revisits a lot of this behaviour and trauma on your child?

Do you have family you can go and stay with for a while to get some space?

Why would you cut someone out of your life and then attend their funeral ?

The DH clearly has a lot of conflicting and unresolved grief about the failure of the parent-child relationship. So in life, he was unable to go on and form a healthy adult relationship with his father because he didn't have a happy childhood. So he had to create distance. Then in death his response to the unresolved nature of his relationship was a total breakdown at the funeral. It's terribly sad and I hope he is able to seek help and support to help him move forward.

he's probably feeling the weight of never having the relationship he wanted with his dad and now that oppurtunity has passed.

Well maybe if he hadn’t cut his father off when he was dying the opportunity for a resolution may have presented itself. Why would you cut someone out of your life and then attend their funeral ?

It's staggering how many people are excusing him getting abusive and threatening violence in front of two children at their grandfathers funeral

It really is.

It is so bizarre to me... I don't know if PP are just practicing selective reading, or they think that his behaviour is totally fine. OP's not just shared about the funeral, this man was a red flag before his father died, in other situations in their home.

Yet PP are absolutely fixated on the funeral and telling OP she needs to "be kind".

Being pregnant with a man like this would be terrifying and OP should be validated and encouraged to consider whether it is a good idea or even safe for her and children.

Shouty men who threaten violence usually follow through at some point (in my experience). A job loss, an unexpected baby... Things that can trigger them into acting on their threats.

We can acknowledge that her husband may of had a bad relationship with his father, without making OP feel like she has to put up and shut up.

Well put. Completely agree!

I'm not sure why some posters are congratulating the op on her pregnancy?! Sounds like a terrible idea tbh.

Maybe his father didn’t deserve to have a respectful send off

Maybe his mother and brother deserved to not have the funeral of their spouse and father marred by violence.

He's grieving, grief can pull up allsorts of old wounds, he's probably feeling the weight of never havinv the relationship he wanted with his dad and now that oppurtunity has passed. Coupled with likely feeling embarrassed over his behaviour.
i hope you and all the other guests can show him some grace. It sounds like he'll be having an awful time with it and has a lot to process and work through now.

And if the OP divorces her husband and years later he gets off his face drunk at their child's graduation and threatens to smash her new partner's face in because he never dealt with his trauma of divorce through therapy - will that be bound to happen too?

When else was he supposed to get closure with his father for being so shitty? Without therapy this was bound to happen. He can apologize to his mum and brother when he’s had time to cool off. Maybe his father didn’t deserve to have a respectful send off