DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

YABU for thinking your embarrassment is in any way more significant than the parental rejection your DH has experienced for his entire life.

Being livid just makes bad, worse. He needs empathy and support from his wife, not anger. He got little in terms of emotional support from his dad who is now dead, without fixing the mess he created.
He was bereaved and has a lot of pent up feelings + booze and unfortunately it spilled out at the funeral. Now he feels terrible and needs support.

You are still wrong.

Poor man. He had a horrible childhood. His Dad has died bringing up all sorts of difficult emotions that he has probably suppressed for years due to the pain. He probably feels absolutely awful about his behaviour at the funeral. And instead of a supportive spouse, he has one that is upset that she was a bit embarrassed by his behaviour.

Someone got up at my FIL's funeral and talked about all the things that FIL had done with them. My DH had a meltdown at home about it later, wondering why he hadn't done all those things with him. TBH, if my DH had had this meltdown at the funeral and said this, I'd have considered it something that needed to be said and hoped it helped him.

I hope your DH feels better for saying what has probably been hurting him for a very long time. Just support him.

I feel sorry for him. I have been the scapegoat child whose siblings got everything. I won’t be going to my parents funeral.

i think you should feel ashamed of your reaction and you should go and give him a cup of tea and tell him you love him.

Being so embarrassed about the behaviour of another adult that you can neither face their family or support them in their grief suggests you have some pretty big codependency issues.

It will help if you focus on supporting your husband both with his grief and dealing with any family fall out. Most people are fairly forgiving about emotional outbursts when someone is grieving so don't make it into an insurmountable problem because it isn't one.

Instead of being embarrassed and livid at him, how about being livid FOR him?
sounds like he was treated like shite, no one gave a crap that he was, and now with the dreadful grief and loss of a father, with the confliciting emotions of him being a crap father that brings, he cracked.
God love him.
If that was my DH id be absolutely fucking livid. But not at him.
At his family, at his father, and at the fact that it took the funeral to bring him to that point.
Think you have your priorities skewed. You poor DH.

Please go and comfort the poor man.

AIBU to be livid?

YES YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY BEING UNREASONABLE

Hope that helps.

That sounds difficult OP, I can't stand a public scene.
However, it's not your DH's fault, it's his mum and dad's for treating a small child differently and causing life long trauma.
Your DH needs counselling and support.
Hold your head high with his family, they have failed him in the past.
I would maybe suggest he messages his brother and apologises.

No doubt on top of it all he'll also be feeling a lot of emotion following his outburst yesterday, including hurt that no one defended or supported him and that he will be seem by all as the bad guy.

Really felt this

You don't know what to say to him? How about 'I'm here for you when you're ready to talk', 'what can I do to help you through this'? Or just a very simple 'I've got you' while you hug him. It's basic stuff OP.

It must have been embarrassing for you, but agree with everyone else saying you need to cut him some slack. He never got an apology or explanation from his dad for why he treated him poorly compared to his brother, and now he never will. He's allowed to be angry and upset about that. Counselling would definitely be a good idea so he doesn't hold onto any feelings of being 'less than' or unloved.

Absolutely this.

You seem more concerned about how you look than your husband’s mental health.

Poor man, his father treated him horribly, his mum didn't intervene by the sound of it, and who knows how he was treated by Golden Boy?

I'm sure your DH realises he made a scene, but dear Lord, have some compassion. Grief is complicated when family relationships are strained. He'll be grieving the fact that he never had a loving father and other family members never supported him and it can never be put right. All that pent up anger and sorrow coming out at once. Sounds like he may be owed an apology from his mother and brother but I doubt it will be forthcoming. I imagine everyone at the funeral speaking well of his father and saying what a good man he was must have been the last straw.

YABU - he's in a mess on every level. Childhood trauma is lifetime trauma unless it's properly addressed in therapy. You are his family now... You are livid with him for making it all about him... and you are making it about you! "I wanted the ground to swallow me". "I don't want to show my face around his family". He needs to work through his issues with his family of origin, support and stop judging and making it about your personal embarrassment that your husband "made a show of himself" at his father's funeral.

I imagine everyone having nice things to say about your dad and your husband had experienced nothing but rejection, so couldn't go along with that narrative. I don't blame him, really. I would only blame him if his dad had been good to him and had clearly loved him.

This!

Don’t make it about you. It’s not.

Another point worth making, op: when a person is the unfavoured child, or scapegoat, and family members go along with it, do not defend or stand up for them, it teaches that person that they are essentially worthless. That they were never good enough, that even if people can see they've been treated unfairly, it doesn't matter enough to do anything about it.

Don't reinforce this further.

This. Sorry op but you are so incredibly unreasonable. Your poor husband.

Do you not understand how he feels?

Yes he probably shouldn't have done all of that but I imagine he's feeling pretty shit in himself with everything you've said he feels on top of his dad dying as well

I have more sympathy with how he feels inside

He must be really lonely 😞

He probably shouldn't have done that and of course you would be embarrassed as his wife in that situation...but I'd cut him some slack. I'd hope the relatives and guests at the funeral would show some understanding and put it down to grief/difficult relationship and slowly forget about it.