DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

Honestly I’d support him, don’t be livid - it’s not your family or experience or childhood.

Having grown up in the shadow of my sister, and treated differently- my mum would always deny this to anyone that asked. However after a few wines recently she cried and said that she hoped that I knew she loved me the same as my sister, despite our childhood.

support your DH , tell him it’s okay, validate his feelings.

I'm sure I'd also be embarrassed in the same situation, but that all clearly needed to come out for your poor DH. Can't be easy to have lived his life feeling like that. I hope he's ok once the hangover wears off, please just support him.

Nonsense.
Either go and behave himself.
Or don't go.
Feelings are one thing.
Behaviour is another.
He is a grown man. Should show respect for his mother and others who are grieving.
Including his nephews neices who have lost a grand dad.

Its incredible how layered it can be.
I was NC with my parents. When my mum died, jesus it was horrific.
Someone said Jeepers i cant beleive you are upset, you didnt see her.
Its not someone i would tell f off too, so i explained it.
To just be able to grieve a loved one, its such a gift. I cldnt just grieve her passing. I had so so many other dreadful emotions and experiences and memories, it totally messes with your head.
To simply grieve would have been a blessing.

Grief has different impacts on different people. Not ideal that it all came flooding out at the wake, but it’s happened and he’s struggling. I’m sure he will feel enough shame over it, so I think showing him support and compassion is probably the best course of action. He needs that right now

I'd be supporting my husband. Was his behaviour bad? Objectively speaking, yes. But the reasons behind it, being the lesser his entire life, I feel that and I really feel for the guy.

Take your embarrassment and shove it. You're acting like his dad.

His mum has always said he wasn’t treated any different and she’s already messaged him this morning saying how upset and unhappy she is with how he behaved

@Colpered this is the gaslighting I mentioned

It is possible for siblings to be given the same things materially while one is still obviously favoured.

Admitting this her son is right would mean your MIL admitting that she didn't protect him, that she was - at best - complicit. It would mean admitting she & her husband weren't great parents, and that their child suffered as a result. This is very confronting and very hard for most people to accept, especially if they feel they did their best.

It's much easier to blame the victim as a troublemaker.

Unless you're going to drip-feed that your husband is a selfish man in all things, you're really coming across as badly as his family here.

Given the timelines and the reference to making a show of himself, I'd guess Ireland, but don't think it's relevant

You weren’t there in his childhood. Why are you believing your husband’s mum over your own husband? Your husband’s mum only has second hand experience of your husband’s relationship with his dad. Her response is very dismissive but yours more so since your loyalty should be to your spouse.

Sounds like you haven’t taken his struggles about his family relationships seriously over the years - so he’s bottled it up and kept the peace for everyone else, including you. And when he couldn’t contain his emotions any longer, rather than apologising and allowing him to grieve in his own imperfect way, you still expect him to keep the peace like a good little boy.

How do you see your role as a wife? What emotional support do you feel you should be giving him at this time? Do you feel that by judging him and siding with the family members he felt treated him badly you are giving that support?

You've had some good replies.
I agree with pps, all the emotions of not feeling loved / good enough has come to the fore, regret at now not being able to express his feelings to his DF.
I'm team DH, cut him some slack, there's no need for you to feel embarrassed, it wasn't an ideal situation or even the right time for DH to let it all out but imagine his depth of emotions to behave like that.
He probably feels awful.
In your position I'd be showing him all the love and support he clearly felt he lacked.

Did his brother get the farm?

I think you’re more concerned with your own embarrassment than your husbands feelings.

YABU to make this about your feelings. You should have gently encouraged him to leave if he was seeming not to cope and that's where your involvement ends.

I'm going to go against the grain though actually and say that your DH was BU. He has a responsibility for his own actions. He's extremely hurt and this is valid and can't be helped. However if you can't respect somebody at their funeral then when the hell can you respect somebody?! If this is really how he feels about the man and he can't keep a civil tongue about it then he had no business being there at all even if he's his son.

My grandad really wasn't a nice man. A couple of my dad's siblings and their kids were a lot more spoiled than him and didn't as such receive as much of his nasty behaviour (my dad is the oldest) There's plenty I (and I'm sure dad) would love to have said to the people who thought he was a great man but you just don't do that at a funeral. You air your grievances at a different time or not at all.

I'm sorry you both found this such a stressful experience. I'd say tell him that you feel that it was inappropriate but try not to focus on how it affected you. Support him emotionally then move on as a couple. It's done now and hopefully he can repair relationships with his surviving relatives so he's not doing the same at their funerals.

Well do you believe your DH or not? Was he treated differently/less favourably than his brother, or is it all in his head?

I agree. OP he needs you more than ever especially as everything came pouring out at the funeral which is a highly emotive time without him feeling the way he has all these years.
perhaps you can suggest counselling to him as a way of talking things through in a non judgemental environment. Get all these years of rejection, abandonment off his chest and understand why he feels that way.

The death of someone you had a complicated relationship with can bring all of that stuff you thought you were in control of to the surface, all at once. Especially if alcohol is involved. He'll be beating himself up enough OP. I'd just let him work through it.

Death, emotions and alcohol. Never a good combo.

He’ll know he made a scene and no doubt regrets it. I’d leave it. He obviously feels very strongly about the situation with his dad.

Emotional responses like this don’t come from nowhere. It’s really disgusting that you’re choosing to believe your mil over your husband. He really deserves better.

You clearly don’t think you’re being unreasonable so why post? So that loads of mn users can berate your poor husband too?

Sorry to hear this but that's why young children shouldn't be at funerals or wakes, but that's just my opinion.

I do understand your embarrassment OP, and if I'm right I think you might be Irish, in which case there's a cultural dimension that perhaps people aren't seeing. A wake is a much bigger event there than perhaps elsewhere.

However, I also agree with other pp who say you do need to comfort him and validate his feelings. I agree with the therapy idea too.

He shouldn’t have threatened his db because it’s not his db’s fault.

However, his family will all have him down now as the db who kicks off and he’s made his position worse not better. His db will be the quiet and calm man.
Sad really.

YABU.

This shows the depth of what your DH has been carrying.

Of course his mother is in denial says he didn't get treated differently. Then she'd have to face up to her part in it. She clearly still has no interest in supporting him and hearing his experience, as it doesn't suit her narrative.

It's not really his brother's fault that his father treated them differently but hopefully he can see the hurt behind the action and have some compassion.

Grief does strange things to people.

If he went "way too far" it's because no one realised how deep his hurt is. And now you're calling him "spoilt". Please encourage him to get some therapy.