DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

This is why I didn't attend my DF funeral. I didn't trust myself not to make a scene. Don't be too harsh on him.

No one has said his behaviour was appropriate but in the circumstances its completely forgivable, at least as far as his wife is concerned.

@Colpered yeah not ideal for him to have gotten drunk but he did. What happened thereafter is something you just need to support him through. Please don’t give him grief over this. If I was a drinker I may well have been the same at my dad’s funeral. He very obviously favoured my sister and brother and was very aloof with me and I have several examples but my mom continuously gaslights me to this day and swears it to not be true despite all my receipts.

It’s a lot for him to process and as we’re all different in how we manage our grief, you dont want it to seem like you’re twisting the knife or anything. Probably a lot of layered issues going on within him right now. And he probably wasn’t even really angry with his brother but with his dad for creating that difference. Losing a parent is just so awful even if you’re NC, it just brings up very gut wrenching emotions. If hes feeling vulnerable right now and needs to be mollycoddled a little just do it! Anything to help get him over this amd hopefully he’ll do the same for you if need be.

Where is your empathy for your DH?

I am going to go against the grain here and say I dont see that the OP has said the late Father was evil or anything similar. Some people always have a chip on their shoulder about not being the favourite. I know within my wider family there are people like this. That doesnt mean you make a scene at a funeral and get roaring drunk shouting your mouth off.

And yes - I have been to many funerals in the last couple of years including my two parents and an Aunt literally last week. Shame on him for behaving like this. His Mother must be deversated at his behaviour and in front of the brothers children - nice work!

Honestly. He’s grieving. Support him.

You can apologise, feel guilty, feel ashamed etc. etc. but you can't take actual responsibility for your actions without fully understanding why you did what you did.

Why did no one get him out of there when it became clear what a state he was in? Some people do secretly love a good drama to liven things up...

YANBU.

He didn't need to get plastered, that was his choice, and I suspect without that he'd have held it together.

Not sure what you do about it, though. Will he try to make it OK with his brother's family? I hope so.

I mean he huffed and puffed at another man's funeral and just had to drill his own experiences into people who loved the man and just wanted to pay respects to him after he'd died so I'd suspect there's an element of self-indulgence even if it is justified....

My parents would say until they are blue in the face that they never treated me and my sister differently. They did and my sister admits that they did and they favoured her.

Your DH is struggling, he is grieving and I think you should be a little less harsh on him. What he did wasn't right but grief does strange things to people.

Sad but hope he will get on better with his brother. Brother can't help if his father was a twat.
Have his brother over for Sunday lunch with mother - no alcohol.

I think it's best just not to drink alcohol at these emotional events. It's a recipe for disaster. He must be cringing now big time at his own behaviour.

The worst part for me was him threatening his brother. He didn’t do anything. He was literally just sat there with his wife and kids, not bothering anyone, and DH marched over and kicked off at him like he’d been waiting years for the chance.

Of course OP would be horrified.

I had an abusive parent. When she died I felt nothing but relief. What I didn't do was cause a scene at her funeral and sound off at those people who (oblivious to what I'd been through) thought well of her.

I'm sorry, but there's no excuse. He might not be grieving but others were, and he had no right to cause a scene and make it all about him.

In which case, one would have to ask, whatever did you see in him?

Can't help but feel if this had been posted from the brother's perspective you'd get different answers.

I'd feel like you @Colpered . Grief is one thing, drink is another and I think alcohol played a bit part here. Yes he's maybe medicating but it's not the way to go about it.

That said I think that you all probably need to write it off as emotions got the better of him in difficult circumstances and try and move on. He needs to apologise to his brother who doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong, assuming he's an otherwise good brother.

Whatever the rights and wrings he shouldn't have had to deal with that in front of his (also grieving) children.

Your DH has a double grief:
for the dad he wanted
for the dad he actually had

Jeez give the man a hug and be there for him.

YABU He has been keeping his childhood hurt inside all his life and now felt validated to let it go.
Frankly I'd be concerned about my DH, not bloody livid
He hasn't shown himself up at all imo

How would you feel if the situation was reversed- you express all your heartfelt anguish and your husband sides with the people who hurt you? Doesn’t sound so reasonable does it?

btw mothers often rewrite the past in their own mind so that they don’t have to face up to what they did/didn’t do at the time.

His mum has always said he wasn’t treated any different

Of course she does. In a scapegoat/golden child situation, no-one is going to come straight out and admit it. Doesn't mean she's right.

Your husband certainly replicated his relationship with an uncaring parent in his marriage, huh. Poor man.

I went to my estranged father's funeral, which was a huge mistake - I wanted to stand up and scream through all the eulogies. My mother had the nerve to ask me to read one, which I still find unfathomable. I bailed on the wake completely, because this sort of thing was very much on the cards had I stayed.

It is going to be hard for you but much harder for him. You need to be his rock for a while so that he can get through it, and so your marriage comes out stronger not weaker. In sickness and in health etc. There will likely come a time when you need him to carry some of your emotional load for a while.
There will be more, a lot more processing your husband will need to do as his memory returns of hurts he has buried to survive them.
There are courses and support groups for people who need help coping with a loved one's bereavement. Some of them are online. They might help you.

In my experience, usually there is a reason someone feels like they were treated differently. Of course the mother isn’t going to agree, but unless her husband is usually a spoiled, huffy, immature “it’s not fairrrr” type, I’d be inclined to believe what he says.

I guess we can all see from this thread how people side with abusers and why victims are just never believed.
Imagine, the person who is supposed to love you most in the world being this lacking in empathy and this concerned with embarrassment and siding with your abusers.
Your poor DH I really hope he gets out of all these toxic relationships and finds himself and finds space to heal away from all of you.

He's probably spent his whole life behaving in order to be respectful to his family.