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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

516 replies

Colpered · 06/06/2025 10:45

Bit of a rant tbh. DH’s dad died last week. They were never close — he always said his older brother was the golden boy, favourite child, could do no wrong etc. Been a sore point for years but he usually keeps it to himself.

Anyway, the wake was yesterday and DH got absolutely off his face. Started telling anyone who’d stand still long enough that his dad never loved him, that his brother got everything growing up and he got nothing. Got louder and louder, ended up having a go at his brother — full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away.

Whole thing was just awful. His mum was trying not to cry, people were whispering, I wanted the ground to swallow me.

He’s in bed now feeling sorry for himself. I don’t even know what to say to him. I get that he’s upset, but it felt like he made it all about him — turned a wake into some drama about childhood trauma.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

OP posts:
kalokagathos · 06/06/2025 11:57

CharlotteRumpling · 06/06/2025 11:55

I am going to buck the trend and say threatening your brother and making your mum cry during a funeral is absolutely horrible.

He needs professional help.

I agree with this. You don’t resolve your trauma publicly at a funeral. And if so vulnerable that you may crack, don’t open the drink!!

Shoxfordian · 06/06/2025 11:56

Is it all about you being embarrassed and not about him? Be supportive not judgemental. He's clearly in distress and you're just embarrassed for yourself.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 06/06/2025 11:55

ChandrilanDiscoDroid · 06/06/2025 10:48

It's often harder for people who have poor relationships with their parents when they die, because it's the loss of any hope that they will ever feel cared for or valued by their parents.

No, it's not ideal that the wake got disrupted, but grief brings out strange things and it's not the first or last funeral to be disrupted in that kind of way.

Your DH is struggling. Try to have some compassion, and encourage him to see a therapist.

I agree with this.

CharlotteRumpling · 06/06/2025 11:55

I am going to buck the trend and say threatening your brother and making your mum cry during a funeral is absolutely horrible.

He needs professional help.

L00pyLou · 06/06/2025 11:54

Poor guy

JemimaPiddlepot · 06/06/2025 11:54

OP:

I wanted the ground to swallow me.

AIBU to be livid?

I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

Also OP:

he made it all about him

The concept of irony completely passed you by, didn’t it?

You must be jealous of your late FIL. All that attention on him and not you!

Original poster
Colpered · 06/06/2025 11:53

Yeah I get what you’re saying, but it honestly just felt like he was a spoilt child having a temper tantrum. I know he’s hurting but the way it all came out was just so aggressive and self-centred.

Just to clarify as well, I’m from the UK, but he and his family are Indian — it wasn’t technically a wake in the traditional English sense, it was more a big family gathering after the funeral at a relative’s house. Loads of people there, food, talking, etc.

I couldn’t step in sooner because I was talking to one of his cousins in another room, and he said he was just nipping to the toilet. Next thing I know there’s raised voices and someone comes to get me saying DH is kicking off.

OP posts:
MangaMoo · 06/06/2025 11:53

Surely your support here should be for your husband? He is clearly emotional and am sure he didn’t want to behave that way if it’s not typical behaviour for him which I’m guessing it isn’t or you would be used to it and not “livid”. If it’s out of character then he obviously needed to vent. Support him if you love him.

deadpantrashcan · 06/06/2025 11:52

Colpered · 06/06/2025 11:19

Thanks all for the replies, I do get what people are saying and I know grief can do funny things but honestly it just came across as spoilt.

His mum has always said he wasn’t treated any different and she’s already messaged him this morning saying how upset and unhappy she is with how he behaved. Can’t blame her tbh.

The worst part for me was him threatening his brother. He didn’t do anything. He was literally just sat there with his wife and kids, not bothering anyone, and DH marched over and kicked off at him like he’d been waiting years for the chance.

It was just a really horrible scene and it’s not like anyone else at the wake was causing drama, it was all him. I’m not heartless, I do feel for him in some ways but he went way too far.

He probably had been waiting years for the chance.

As for others not causing “drama,” the “others” you refer to (aside from the brother, who even from your post sounds as if he can do no wrong) weren’t dealing with the emotions of being at their father’s wake.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 06/06/2025 11:52

You say he kicked off at his brother 'he’d been waiting years for the chance.'

He probably has.

I feel very sorry for him. He has grown up thinking his dad didn't support him and now his mum and wife aren't supporting him.

miraxxx · 06/06/2025 11:51

Darragon · 06/06/2025 10:47

Bereavements of close family members bring out a whole bunch of unresolved trauma and emotions. People act in all sorts of strange ways when they lose people, especially if the relationship had some major sticking points as it sounds. I think unless you've lost your own parents you have no idea how it feels and are perhaps completely unprepared for how it can hit someone.
The alcohol wasn't a great idea but it could have been much worse and the fact you're focusing on your DH being an embarrassment instead of on supporting him through this difficult time suggests you've got deeper issues here.

So true. This has happened in my own family and even minor disagreements have a way of detonating lifelong relationships during this fraught period. OP's DH may have finally voiced festering resentment but he has to face the consequences of that too. OP would do well to steer clear and maintain a distance.

JustMyView13 · 06/06/2025 11:50

I think you need to support your husband to do the right thing by his mother & brother.

Clearly, he’s grieving and that’s manifesting as anger. It’s unfortunate he’s reached this stage of grief in such a public way. Did he handle it the best way possible? Absolutely not. Should he be judged for that? Also no. You weren’t there during his childhood, and intention doesn’t equal impact. His mother, from her viewpoint, felt her children were treated equally. Her son, from his view point, disagrees. All you can do is support your DH to manage those feelings in a more productive way, and build on the relationships he already has if those are ones he’s looking to retain.

Daisyvodka · 06/06/2025 11:49

araiwa · 06/06/2025 10:48

I'm sorry you're embarrassed your husband had an emotional breakdown following the death of his father who treated him horribly his whole life

This in spades. You are EMBARASSED that someone you love has lost someone they had a complex relationship with, who has impacted their relationships with other family members, couldn't keep it in any more and got it out at a moment of high stress? Can you not imagine how awful he must have been feeling in that moment to do that, after holding it in all his life? Do you not understand how important it is for some people to say these things out loud? And trust me, as someone with a complex parent relationship, there is no 'right time'.
Yes he's upset his mum, but he has also been upset about this his whole life while she was with him, and when you go about life knowing your partner is treating your kids differently... it is the price you pay for staying with someone who does shitty things, unfortunately. Yes, she could have been downtrodden etc, but that's just the reality of it. It sucks for everyone. I hope your DH gets some relief eventually.

OrlandointheWilderness · 06/06/2025 11:47

Is he normally like this? Is the out of character for him?
it’s really not for you to say if he is justified in thinking this - the fact is he feels deeply hurt, added to the fact he’s grieving. Perhaps when the dust has settled and everyone is sober and calm it would do his family good (without spouses etc) to talk.

Smilesinthesunshine · 06/06/2025 11:47

YABU
I feel very sorry for him. Poor man. Grief is a terrible thing and his grief is more complex due to his father treating him so badly. You should be there for him and support him through this awful time.

Brainstorm23 · 06/06/2025 11:46

Sunnyday321 · 06/06/2025 10:54

Died last week , funeral this week . Where do you live ?

Maybe NI. Funerals here are very quick. Usually only a few days. I know funerals in England take weeks and that must be so hard for families.

BobbyBiscuits · 06/06/2025 11:45

The thing is it was about him to an extent. All the stuff he held in for years could finally come bursting out. For good or for bad, he wanted to tell the truth as he saw it. And somehow release that feeling of injustice.

It was probably for the best in some ways that he managed to express it. So what if people were whispering. He felt like his dad abandoned him. I feel really sorry for him.

I know his behaviour wasn't good but it's done now so I wouldn't remain angry with him for long.

onmywaytowonderland · 06/06/2025 11:45

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 06/06/2025 11:42

You can have empathy for your DH and still think he shouldn't have threatened his Brother at his Dad's funeral in front of the family.

Show quote history

You can, but OP’s posts are very “me me me” with no apparent care or worry about her husband and how he’s feeling.

Badgerandfox227 · 06/06/2025 11:45

Your poor DH. Only you know if this is normal behaviour or out of character for him to have such an outburst. I suspect it’s out of character and has come from years and years of emotional trauma.

I would be standing by and supporting my DH in this situation, yes it’s not ideal, but it’s better than those feelings continuing to eat away at him. I would be supportive, and suggest that talking to a therapist might help him come to terms with his childhood and adult grief.

I expect his DM is saying it didn’t happen because she would be guilty of standing by and letting it happen.

gannett · 06/06/2025 11:44

MichaelandKirk · 06/06/2025 11:38

I am going to go against the grain here and say I dont see that the OP has said the late Father was evil or anything similar. Some people always have a chip on their shoulder about not being the favourite. I know within my wider family there are people like this. That doesnt mean you make a scene at a funeral and get roaring drunk shouting your mouth off.

And yes - I have been to many funerals in the last couple of years including my two parents and an Aunt literally last week. Shame on him for behaving like this. His Mother must be deversated at his behaviour and in front of the brothers children - nice work!

Shame on the family for enabling the favouritism and toxic dynamic, more like.

I don't think the victims of that need more shame being heaped on them.

WhatdoesitmeanKeith · 06/06/2025 11:43

MargotMoon · 06/06/2025 10:51

It’s not really about you and your feelings at the moment. As harsh as that might feel, because it’s understandable that it wasn’t pleasant for you or anyone else to deal with, it’s part of his grieving process. Let it go and be kind to him, he might need to talk about it more before he can move on, and he might need you to help him with that.

I agree with this.

Try not to take it on yourself too much, OP. This isn’t your situation to fix, just support him, but that’s it.

gannett · 06/06/2025 11:43

I’m not heartless, I do feel for him in some ways but he went way too far.

In what ways exactly do you show you feel for him? Because they're not in evidence from your posts.

ThatCyanCat · 06/06/2025 11:43

Sunnyday321 · 06/06/2025 10:54

Died last week , funeral this week . Where do you live ?

Some religions hold funerals very quickly.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 06/06/2025 11:42

onmywaytowonderland · 06/06/2025 11:39

Where is your empathy for your DH?

You can have empathy for your DH and still think he shouldn't have threatened his Brother at his Dad's funeral in front of the family.