DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

So he can't be in the wrong for kicking off at the wake because he's grieving, but his grieving mum is in the wrong for simply messaging him?

I wouldnt.
Id be supporting DH. 100%

That. And he threatened his brother in front of his brothers children, who were presumably upset at their granddad's death.

I'd be horrified too. OP is in shock, and already getting family messages. She's caught up in it too, and I'd be mortified as well. As I think would most posters if they'd been in her position.

As someone that’s been the black sheep in my family my whole life I don’t blame him. His mum is wrong for sending that text. You should be supporting your husband not being livid at him. He needs emotional support and therapy to get over what his family have done to him. It’s always weddings or funerals that blow up .

My God, with you as his main support, I pity the poor man. Put your main character energy to one side for a moment and support him.

You don't like your husband very much, do you OP?

Well if this was my husband I’d be giving him a big hug and asking him how he is and not judging him. I don’t buy comments like - his mum said they were treated the same - well she will say that won’t she?! You said it had bothered him for a long time so it’s not wildly out of the blue and clearly has impacted him. Now is not the time to question, it’s the time to support.

Yes there is a lot of projection here. We don’t really know this situation. OP’s husband got drunk at his father’s pist funeral family event and acted out aggressively. This may be grief and trauma talking but its not therapeutic and its not just or right. Its not clear that everyone in the family was complicit in abuse ir that the brother and the mother deserved this i mean maybe they did andmaybe they didn’t but OP and her DH now gave to live with the consequences. Since he did what he did when drunk OP’s dh also probably feels less liberated than he does shamed. It wasn’t a great day for him no matter how justified he thinks he was. Hd lost control and that doesn’t feel good.

All you can do is support him. Grief and loss is hard and it can dredge up feelings you don't expect. My own brothers get on really well and got into an argument at my mums wake just because emotions were high and there was tension. I dealt with it really quickly and kept them apart. Encourage him to talk to you and his family. He obviously has a lot of resentment built up and the loss has made it boil over.

You keep saying he was acting like a spoiled child, and yet that appears to be the last thing he was.

Was he the younger brother? I can imagine him being treated differently if he was. And older brother sits there with his perfect wife and family, I guarantee he’s been treated much better over the years. The heir and the spare always are.

Your job now is to support him or move out of the way. He doesn’t need one more person in his life who he has disappointed.

Of course his mother says he was treated no differently. Mine will argue that till she is blue in the face. It isn’t true. I was the accidentally baby who slept in a drawer all my life. They supported my brother and sister in their dreams, when it got to me the money ran out and they supported me but only if I changed my dreams to suit the budget.

There is a very weird vibe from what you are writing. It comes across as very much about how things “should” be and really nothing about how they were. The dynamic you are describing is not unusual and even down to the mother’s denial of what was your DHs reality. That is enormously common especially in cultures that significantly over use shame to control the people who are at the bottom of this hierarchy. Focus on your husband not the people who have inflicted this on him. His brother unwittingly participated in this dynamic too you can be guaranteed. None of this is out of the blue it is the pent up emotions spilling over during an emotionally charged situation.

Of course his mother is going to double down and say he was treated the same otherwise she'd be admitting she failed to protect him and be seen as a bad mother.

OP you're still making it all about yourself.

I felt exactly the same. He is suffering, OP. Please be gentle with him.

You sound like you are more worried about how they feel than how he is feeling/coping.

Yes, because they weren't the ones who got hammered and kicked off at a family funeral with kids present.

YABU.
Try growing up with a narcissistic parent and then tell us how he “should have” acted.

YABU. He’s had his own life of being second place to the golden child and his father doesn’t seem to have ever acknowledged that, not his mother.? Now he can never resolve it

grief affects people in different ways, give him a break

You did not grow up in such a dysfunctional family but your H did and I am not altogether surprised to read what happened. It was going to all kick off at some point. He is the scapegoat here and as a result he and his family unit ie you people are scapegoated too.

This is no reflection on you.
Have some compassion for your h, learn about narcissistic family structures and encourage him to see a therapist.

I'm sympathetic with your DH, it's awful growing up feeling that way.

Well, I doubt he went there with a plan in his head to cause a scene - grief makes people very irrational and causes all sorts of emotions to come flying to the surface.

Good grief so his mother has doubled down and perpetuated the lie that he wasn't treated differently. Presumably there was a lot of poor brother crap going on that tipped him over the edge or his brother was going round presenting as the golden child - I have been in that situation too and I have every sympathy for DH that it became too much in that situation.

You sound like you are more worried about how they feel than how he is feeling/coping.

I can’t imagine for a second that the husband went to the funeral thinking he might kick off.

Literally.

The thing is OP, it’s done now.

You being embarrassed is by the by tbh.

You need to focus on what to do now.

You either let your embarrassment go, and support him, or not, and go against him.

There’s never a right time btw, his mum won’t ever listen. Fuck it.

It wasn’t ideal but he’s only human.

He behaved terribly. He needs to apologise to everyone.

But I wouldn’t judge him to much, we all have weird baggage from our childhoods that bursts out if we don’t deal with it.

I would show him some compassion. Give him a hug, let him cry that he never got square with his dad, and for the little boy who felt left out. Let him get it out, then he can make a sincere apology.

YABVU because you're making this about you.

He's clearly had a huge meltdown, is probably feeling mortified on top of all of the grief and angst, and he's going to get it in the neck from everyone. He's going to need someone in his corner through all of this, and who do you think should perform that role?

Don't go to the funeral.
Don't drink.
Don't threaten anyone.

There are many choices available.