DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

I haven't seen anything from the op saying that her husband threatened violence. "Threatening" his brother could mean all sorts of things, so for those saying some people are projecting, be careful about your own assumptions here.

Secondly, the op was out of the room at the time it kicked off so she didn't actually see what sparked it. Was his brother "just" sitting there with his wife & family?

A provoked response may not mean the behaviour can be condoned, but no one here actually knows that his outburst wasn't provoked.

I’d have been utterly mortified too.

This.

He's bottled up his feelings of being rejected by his father his entire lifetime. It came out.

I think you would have got different responses if he threatened to beat up his sister.

Went to close relative's funeral who had been a really nasty mother. Everyone was being polite and only pointing out the good. Her daughter didn't let much show but whispered after that she hated how all the extremely bad behaviour had been brushed over.

Put 'what others will think' away and think of your husband.

Unless he has form for getting shitfaced and abusive be kind and let this go. He'll likely be turning inside out with embarrassment and pain today anyway. Greif makes people crazy and it's really difficult when the relationship was complicated.

At that point , but the OP is presenting a strangely one sided version against her husband, so who is to say what the brother might have said or how people may have been fawning all over the brother. And of course the mother will deny it. She may even believe she doesn't.

Yes maybe I am projecting my experience (to which I didn't outwardly react) and perhaps I somewhat admire him for having the balls to get it off his chest directly to them!

Hi OP I have this all to come sadly as my mum is terminally ill. Members of the family have pointed out over the years how she has always 'preferred my brother'. My mum and I have never been close, she never spent time with me when I was younger or really got to know me, it has been very lonely and crushing to have a parent who is meant to love you the most reject you and neglect you. Because my mum has been ill for a long time I've had time to get used to the thought of her dying. I think I will always have some underlying anger towards her and sadness for how she has been as a mother. And sadness for myself that I didn't have a mum with whom I could have had a close relationship. I am hoping when the time comes I will feel mainly relief, but who knows. The anger may rise up like it did for your husband. It is very difficult and I feel sad for your husband, it's horrible to feel like this, there is a part of you that feels like a young child who is, in effect, unloveable. There is a small part of that feeling that will always stay with you, no matter how old and grown up you get.

Wow yes yabu. Try having an ounce of compassion. ‘Made a show of himself’ disgusting.

Lot of projection going on for sure.
Relationships tend to be complicated and not all the fault of one person.
What isnt complicated for me is threatening to beat up your brother before his kids.

Ever thought you may just be projecting your own history? The brother was sat with his wife and children, not "going round presenting as the golden child". And maybe the mother isn't lying.

Oh ffs OP!
"but it honestly just felt like he was a spoilt child having a temper tantrum"

He lost his dad, spent entire life not dlfeeling enough in his dads eyes and it was obviously the last moment he could talk it out.

Hopeyou are not usually so low on empathy.
Men do have emotions too.

I hope your husband has some kind, caring people in his life to support him

You can be mortified and support the person who is clearly lashing out.

Some religions do it next day.

We used to be about 5 days, Scotland, but now it’s weeks. Ireland are still quite quick, matter of days I think.

Anger, failing to act rationally, lashing out - all signs of struggling and of someone who is barely holding it all together.

Of course the way he behaved isn’t okay but my God, this man lost his father a week ago and they clearly had a terrible relationship - the lack of empathy shown all round is absolutely staggering.

Remind me. How did this struggle to cope manifest itself?

As much as his behaviour was disappointing, his feelings are valid - being a family scapegoat is hard.

My not-DM would swear blind that she treated all her children fairly, however, I am one of 6 siblings who just cannot get along, because we have ALL been brought up to be in competition with each other, there was always a favourite etc.

Because the majority of my siblings were a lot older, I mainly had to live in the shadow of my only younger sibling. They had week-long school trips paid for (I was lucky if I got one day), presents on my birthday - purely because they threw a tantrum, and all of their school photographs paid for and proudly displayed on the wall… where were mine, you ask?

…my parents only ever kept my ‘sample’ pictures, chucked away somewhere. Even a social worker pointed out how unfairly they were treating me, but nothing ever changed. I ended up permanently running away from home after my mother, yet again, sided with younger sibling during an argument (this was on top of other abuse I won’t go into).

I have been left severely damaged, spending my life feeling inadequate and like an afterthought. After it took me a very long time to figure out what had been happening to me, I had to go completely NC with my immediate family - it’s the only way I can heal.

Your DH needs you, don’t fall for the gaslighting his DM is likely doing.

OP, has he had any therapy at all, in his life?

OP can I ask if you have lost a parent? If so, you must understand how life changing it is? If not then you have no place to judge.

I’d be supporting my poor husband, actually.

I would be more worried about the person who was clearly struggling to cope personally.

No, it's just you and me! No one else would be mortified at threats of violence before children and elderly.

Funerals can bring out the best and worst in people. A lot of family splits and feuds start at funerals. I know from personal experience, sadly. However you are being unreasonable to blame him. Sounds like his 'mother' deserved to hear the truth of his trauma.

Good on him!

Yep. Glad you get it now.