DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

Sorry wrong thread

First read like she was there witnessing, second she was off in another room.

How is your relationship generally?

The fact that you believe your MIL over your DH, and are referring to him as spoult etc suggests that you really do not like him much.

I'm just wondering if this is part of a bigger issue in your relationship?

Would also be interested to know if the brother is the first born given the cultural background.

I don't think your husband's behaviour was great, but I do think it was understandable.

Just reading this thread has brought tears to my eyes, and it's been 3yrs since my abusive father (,with whom I was NC) died.

I can't begin to explain how hard it is emotionally to deal with something like that, but there have been some great posts on this thread.

I don't think MIL's version takes away what your husband may have experienced and it's sad your husband can't rely on his wife to validate him or believe his experiences. Feels kinda like what he probably felt his whole life... Your MIL is unlikley going to acknowledge anyone was treated more favourably was she? Especially now your FIL has died.

Obviously your DH should not have done what he did but you should draw on your empathy skills here and not judge him. Even you are feeling more sorry for the brother than your husband and this is something he says he has experienced his whole life. Just really sad.

They're both totally consistent.

Please don’t be livid. My brother got absolutely wasted at my mum’s funeral wake and passed out drunk in full view of everyone - literally asleep on the floor in the venue. They were so close and he just couldn’t cope with losing his mum. Imagine not being close and then having to deal with how society expects you to act. Sounds like he was having an emotional burnout in real time. I’d encourage him - when he’s ready - to seek counselling. My brother did and he’s good now and, coincidentally, no longer drinks.

Sorry for your loss.

OP i'm from a similar background and I feel for your husband.

My OH has similar issues and has a real dislike for their sibling, mainly because I think they never pointed out to their parents the blatant double standard that sometimes used to occur (in front of me a couple of times) and whenever they have a verbal it's always 'you see whats going on, you accept it's going on, but you never say anythnig to mum and dad, do you?'

I don't like it the arguments but I feel my OH's pain.

"full on threatening him in front of everyone. Was properly heated, had to be pulled away."

Full on threatening and having to be pulled away sounds to me (and to almost anyone normal) like considerable aggression with the potential for physical violence. Very frightening and probably traumatising for the young children who were sitting with the target of this aggression (their dad). But obviously I'm wrong. It's all OK because a grown man wanted to get shit faced and air his own trauma.

I'd have been embarrassed but I also would have had some empathy. Grief shows up in different ways and brings with it a lot of emotions. He needs a friend right now, not judgement from others.

It can be both, surely?

Have you lost a parent yourself OP? If you have, you wouldn't have needed to write this post
I lost both of mine before I was 35

My Mother had a clear favourite. When the will was discovered it just sealed what we all knew as she left her entire estate to her and cut us all out, estate was worth around 400k. Two refused to attend the funeral at all and the 3 of us who were cut out acted with decorum but bereavement does funny things to peoples heads.

Just support your husband.

@Colpered - my sister was my mum's golden child - definitely her favourite - whilst I feel my mum let me down in a lot of ways, when I was a child and a teenager, and it has caused me a lot of pain and issues over the years, including life-long clinical depression, so I can understand where your dh is coming from.

Maybe the wake was not the right place to say what he did, but I can understand how the feelings just got too much for him and erupted. I managed to get through my mum's funeral without anything like this, but I had had a number of years of therapy, and of working on myself, plus I had moved a long way away from mum, so had benefited from the distance between us. It sounds as if your dh hasn't been able to do any of that.

If I were you, I'd not mention what happened at the funeral, but simply tell your dh that you are there for him, you understand why he feels the way he does, and that his feelings are entirely valid. Let him talk things out, if that would help.

I see where you are coming from, my brother got hammered and behaved appallingly at my mother’s funeral. Laid into our other brother and made it all about him. It’s always about him and how he is a the victim, when my mum had three children and we were hurting too. But we had the good grace to behave in public.
I would leave him too it, I get he is grieving but that’s not a get out of jail card to behave like a twat. When he wants to stop the pity party, he can apologise to his family for acting like a twat.

I hope you can find your empathy op!! At the moment you sound just as bad as his mother. His mother is never going to admit there were problems. Most abuse is covered up! How can you not know this?

Did your DH go to far? Probably / sounds like it.

But he has just lost his father and clearly has years of pent up resentemt, pain and trauma. And it doesn’t sound like his mother ever listened to him or supported him. So he exploded.

Why are you livid? Or ashamed?
Don't make this about yourself. This isn’t a reflection of you. It is a reflection of him AND also his family. I am fairly certain they’ve all plaid their parts. It would be too easy to just point the finger at him and put all the blame on him.

Edit: there will most likely be A LOT of people ready to blame your DH and paint him as the problem. His mother has already demonstrated that she's quite ready to do that. He needs somebody that will support him. His pain, his grief and his perspective. Who will do that if not his spouse?

This thread is really distressing.
I feel so much empathy for your DH.
Your reaction and lack of support for him is really horrible OP.

@Colpered

Why do you believe what his mother says rather than what he said his childhood was like? Strange. Some parents do have a golden child or a favourite.

Your comment "His mum has always said he wasn’t treated any different and she’s already messaged him this morning saying how upset and unhappy she is with how he behaved. Can’t blame her tbh."

You sound cold and lacking in empathy for your husband.

Who do not think this behaviour is justified whatever the history.

Violence isn't mentioned in the op's posts. "Threatening" and "kicked off" can mean various things from "I'll never talk to you again" and shouting before it gets anywhere near physical aggression.

"He was literally just sat there with his wife and kids, not bothering anyone, and DH marched over and kicked off at him like he’d been waiting years for the chance."

"I couldn’t step in sooner because I was talking to one of his cousins in another room, and he said he was just nipping to the toilet. Next thing I know there’s raised voices and someone comes to get me saying DH is kicking off."

So which was it?

Your poor husband, my heart breaks for him. Hug him closely, tell him you are sorry things will now never be repaired, his father has died. Tell him you love him, and when he is ready you will support him to go to therapy and process his loss fully and his childhood.

I would be so gentle with him. He may need professional support in the coming weeks.

Hello.
A little voice from the corner.
I'm guessing we are the older ones.

Yep. Exactly this. I thought violence (especially in front of children) was never the answer on Mumsnet but apparently today it is!