DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

I think it says a lot about how crap he felt about his dad tbh. People aren’t perfect and funerals and death is so raw. I think people will understand it’s a difficult time and his dad caused it all really. I wouldn’t be livid; you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about. Ask him if he thinks some counselling would help him to process his grief and the relationship he had with his dad. X

Is he loud and shouty towards you, OP?

He's probably doing some questioning himself.

Agree

Poor guy. Of course this was going to happen he wasn't treated well and now his dad is gone this won't be made right. Not in your husbands eyes.

I totally get why he did it and no I wouldn't be livid. I would tell him - I understand

My dad died in 2022. I had an awful relationship with him and hadnt seen him in years. He was abusive to my mum.

I always thought I wouldn't care if he died. When it came to it, I was furious. Like an all consuming rage that I couldnt shake. I hadnt seen the man in 10+ years but I couldnt contain myself. I felt so much anger that the way I felt towards him was always going to be left unresolved now.

In addition, the continual posts online from other friends and family members about what a great guy he was and how much he'd be missed only fuelled my rage. I had three days off work and spent the time replying to each and every comment detailing who he really was.

Am I proud of the way I acted? Absolutely not! I can't even explain to you the way I felt, it was like an out of body experience.

Luckily I was stopped from going to the funeral as no doubt I'd have made more of a show of myself than your DH, even without alcohol. Sometimes how you feel can't be controlled no matter how destructive you know it is.

I find this response, your thought process, the way you speak of your husband, everything here, even you saying you lost a parent but you didnt lash out, utterly breathtaking. Utterly.
TBH if i were your husband, i too would be rethinking my relationship.
You clearly are more on their side than his. How dreadful for him.
Hve you lost a parent you had an acrimonious relationship with? If not, then you cannot compare. but then it sounds like you compare your husband to others anyway so there is that.
I didnt go to my mums funeral , and I guarantee you that If my sister was there, id want to smash her face in. the things they did, the way my mother was, my one regret is i didnt tell them all to get fucked earlier and more.
You are so on the wrong side of this.

This, poor man, seems like noone in his life even his wife gives a shit about him.
@Colpered doesn't care her husband has issues is more bothered about the people he feels have treated him poorly, and his own mother isn't bothered that he's upset.
Rather backs up his view!

No, we're just generally fucking world weary of men doing exactly as they please and indulging their traumas. I'm pretty sure the responses would be very different if it was a woman who got shit faced and used threatening behaviour to the mother of young children at a funeral. But you're right, we mustn't be so stuffy and repressed. We must think of the menz. Oh wait - we've actually had to do that for years!

No one has said that "obviously" you're wrong 🙄

You sound horrible OP. How do you know everything about his life? Just because his mum told you he wasn’t treated any differently to his brother- how do you know she was telling the truth?

Just because his brother was sitting quietly with him family at this time, you are assuming that there has never been any issues in the past?

The only embarrassment and shame in this scenario is coming from you..

Like, does your husband actually have anyone in his life who supports him, believes him and cheers him on in life?

Because it doesn't sound like his father, mother or brother did, and it doesn't sound like his wife does either. I hope he has some solid friends, at least.

Yes DH is the youngest. His brother’s older by a few years, and yeah, he’s definitely the more “together” one on paper — good job, nice house, wife and kids, all very stable. I do think DH has always felt in his shadow a bit.
DH said his brother was goading him, but I didn’t see that.

Even the way you write this suggests you respect his brother more, and disbelieve your husband on a fairly key point.

YABU. Support your husband.

Your DH did not make a show of himself, he is struggling with the fact he will now never have an apology from his father about the way he was treated. Your husband has this plus grief to process - support him, unconditionally.

Right now, he probably needs your love, not your embarrassment.

He - quite rightly - needs to apologise to his family members, especially the brother he threatened. Then a gentle handhold while he considers getting some therapy.

What a life it is, feeling unloved and sidelined. No excuse to behave badly, not saying that. but he has been lacking love. Are you the person to be there for him?

If he is in general a reasonable person, then I think YABVU to be cross with him over this.

If he is someone who likes to spoil for a fight, then that’s a different issue.

No they're not. If the second scenario (in another room) is correct then she couldn't have witnessed the first scenario. Given the family dynamic at hand I wouldn't trust a second-hand account at all.

thabks for pointing this out, but why so angry haha. Easy mistake, sorry OP!

How? She wasn’t there to see the brother ‘just sitting there, not bothering anyone’. So how does she know? Second hand information?

Yes, older folk do tend to be more repressed/stuff upper lip.

Grief can quite literally make you mad. I would approach with compassion

Wrong THREAD !!!