DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

This. Maybe find some empathy!

Well yes, his mum would say that both boys were treated the same, wouldn’t she? Otherwise she’d have to acknowledge and disclose that she was partially responsible for her child having a very sad life. Why the fuck are you taking her word for it over his?

No, it wasn’t the ideal way to deal with it. But your priorities are seriously skewed here. I do care about him — I just don’t know how to deal with the fallout from this It’s not your fallout to deal with. He feels the way he feels for a reason and you weren’t there at the time to know for sure, one way or the other. So unless there’s some big back story like he’s got a history of lying, your job is to support him and believe him. If his mum phones you, then you tell her exactly that, and that she’ll need to talk about it with him. If anyone else contacts you, you tell them it’s for the mum and two brothers to sort out between them and everyone else needs to mind their own business.

I wouldn't take his mum saying they were treated the same at face value. She's never going to admit otherwise even if she recognises it. My mum would say we were all treated the same but I could give a whole long list of examples were middle child (boy) was treated massively better than me (girl) and youngest (accident).

Oh op that sounds so hard. I can understand why seeing his behaviour at the wake might have reinforced your feelings about how he reacts when he's stressed at other times and made you question bringing a baby into the mix.

Theres no easy answers. I hope you can talk all this through with someone supportive and decide where to go from here. It sounds like dh has a lot of processing to do too.

Your DH is raw, things were probably left unsaid. Together with his pain of loss, and the influence of alcohol it sounds like he lost control. He probably drank to numb his pain and feelings, but it sounds like it simply opened the floodgates to his childhood pain and trauma.
YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE. Right now he needs your full support, he’s hurting, he’s grieving for a father that he never felt ‘good enough’ for, and trust me, I know that feeling, and unless you’ve been there you cannot empathise or begin to understand, what you can do though is be there for him.
I doubt the reason he’s in bed is because he feels sorry for himself, rather he likely feels cast adrift by his wife and that no one cares or understands. That’s a tough place to be.
You should be ashamed of yourself, and if you don’t want to show your face around his family then don’t, that’s your problem, no one else’s.

YABU. If he really was tge scapegoat to to his golden child brother it would have been awful for him. If true his mother had decades to set it right. These things often come out when acohol flows and emotions are high at funerals. Perhaps he shouldn't have gone, shouldn't have drunk or walked away but you really need to support him.

👏

In England we were told we were lucky to get a month - and that because we took first slot offered despite early time.

It's crept up from DGP decade ago think that was just past 2 weeks.

It did make it hard in some ways TBH.

Honestly though deaths and family dynamics are hard.

My Dad was told things that emphasized how he got all the grunt work and his kids ignored and favored child all the attention - he knew that but it clearly really hurt him - but he didn't make a scene or fall out with anyone - but was clearly deeply upset and frankly that was also hard to see. TBH that how we handle things in family we put on a public face and hurt and bitch and stop being close because of unspoken feelings - not sure that's better.

Your husband is entitled to his grief. He’s grieving the father he never had.

I don’t understand why you are making this all about you?

I also think your mother in law was dramatic in the circumstances and I’m wondering if your deceased father in law was the biological father of your husband.

Stop making this about you. It’s not about you.

you could try saying, dh i totally understand why you lost the head at the funeral, i do, but we both know that its not good for you to be so distressed that you end up in that state. Why dont you ignore any txts from your mother from the time being, put that away from you, and maybe focus on why you are so upset and what we can do as husband and wife to help you through this.
You could say, I have no idea what its like for you to lose a parent you felt so unloved by, and that breaks my heart for you, but i will do my very best to make sure you get through this and come out of it a stronger, happier, healthier man. I will show you the love and support you felt you never got , and we wont let this break us.
You could say, when you have time to catch your breath, why dont we try find out about councelling, and maybe we wont reach for a drink while we try to navigate this, it rarely helps, we both know that.

You could say, you are good man, and its a testimant to you that you have a wife and family that love you and you love, considering what a toxic environment you were reared in, and i want you to focus on that and find the beauty in that in yourself, and while you do, ill be right here beside you.
How bout giving that a shot OP?

You're his wife, your only role in this is to support your husband. You don't have to worry about his relationship with his family. You don't need to be "livid" about the effect he had at his dad's funeral - that's for him and his family to worry about. Whether he never talks to them again or whether he makes it up with them, whether you feel sorry for his mum or you think his brother was right... none of that matters. Just be there for your husband during this obviously difficult time.

👏

I can see both sides and feel you're getting a very unfair bashing op.

If a relative or partner of mine was drunk and spoiling for a fight at a wake I'd also be mortified. I'd be really surprised if anyone wasn't to be honest.

Grief can certainly do strange things and he deserves compassion, but that doesn't make his behaviour ok at a wake, especially in front of children. Drinking to excess at a wake is never a good idea.

I have been to many wakes and it is uncomfortable for everyone when someone gets very upset about their own undealt with relationship with the deceased. Your husband didn't know how to deal with his emotions, thats very hard on him & his family.
What's not acceptable is become threatening to anyone else. Hopefully your husband & his brother can clear the air soon and move pass this.
I was at a wake, where someone became agressive. Their immediate family initially ignored them but unfortunately they then were violent towards some people.
Unfortunately wakes / funerals can bring out the worse in people.

His behaviour might be understandable but it's not excusable.

Whether his feeling are justified or not - there aren't his brother's fault, aggression isn't reasonable and his timing shows a lack of self control.

The man is clearly hurting and needs to find a way to deal with it - bereavement counselling woukd at least be a start.

@Colpered I wonder if he became the loud, shouty one because its the only way he was ever listened too

As someone else has said, it's not for you to manage this fallout.
Stick up for and support your husband, when he feels emotionally safe & supported with you he is more likely to be able to hear that he needs to apologise for the way he acted, even if what he said was true

I’d say go easy on him op, drink md situations like that don’t mix. Hope you’re all ok x

Sorry, didn't mean to post the whole quote. 🙄

It’s not your fallout to deal with. Just be there for your husband, that’s your part in this.

"feels like all that bottled up guilt and anger came exploding out" - Yes. But not all of it. There'll be plenty more still bubbling away and in fact added to because of his behaviour at the wake. You urge him to heed the massive warning signal that got detonated and you help him find a properly qualified, recommended therapist. Show him care and concern, you both know his behaviour was out of order and the way to address it is to work on it. You want to help him help himself because you love him - getting help is taking responsibility, and that's what he needs to do.

His mum has always said he wasn't treated any different

Well of course his mum said they were always treated the same.

They always do! It's called denial! 😡

Drunkenly threatening to smash someone’s face in is not ok. Every abusive, out of control drunk has an excuse. I’m sad because daddy didn’t love meeeeeee is not good enough.

I wouldn’t be angry, I just would’ve left the wake the minute he started being messy. He’s clearly going through a lot but I won’t be seen with someone getting aggressive and rowdy. Have you suggested he speak to someone about his trauma and grief.

I don't know why you're with him, given all your posts really show a lack of care as to his reason for his behaviour at the wake and seem to be full of disdain, yet also how positive and wonderful is DB is.
Is DB quite wealthy? His parents?....