DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

My sympathise to you OP. Who behaves like this at a funeral? Very bad manners. He should have stayed away and told everyone why if he wanted to but to make a scene like that - what an appalling experience for everyone ! HE was NOT what it was about!

Because she found out she was pregnant on the day his father died.

Read the OP’s last update. Puts a different perspective on things. She’s not siding with his family at all, she’s reeling from it all. And to be honest if he hadn’t visited his father the whole time he was ill, why on earth did he go to the funeral ? There is no resolution to the difficulties between him and his father, and the opportunity for reconciliation is lost. He will now have to live the rest of his life wondering whether it would have been possible, had he not decided to cut his father out of his life when he was dying.

You were TTC. Why did you not tell him you were pregnant?

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

YABVVU
What a way to make the death of his father, centric to you and how you feel.
Whether you want to show your face in front of his family is absolutely irrelevant. He's hurting, and on top of this you're now belittling his experience, his actions, his stance and worse still taking side with his family.

It's not your problem to solve. It's his family, its his past, its his experience. Stop siding with who he feels aggrieved by at the point of time when his father just died. You'll be making it worse, not better especially if he's already prone to taking put his anger toward you.

I’ve just got through reading it, and it puts a bit of a different perspective on things doesn’t it ? This isn’t the first time by any means that OP has taken the brunt of his anger - it’s just that this time it happened in front of his whole family. And the added stress of TTC and then finding out she’s pregnant on the day his father died. Very difficult, and there have been some very harsh responses here. To those saying that OP doesn’t need to deal with the fallout - of course she does. She’s part of his family and clearly there will be repercussions

@Colpered in the nicest possible way of course his mum is going to say they were treated the same, she was the one doing the unfair treating as well! Don’t tell him it didn’t happen, it’s his experience.

YANBU to be livid about his behaviour.

I totally understand his conflict - when my abusive father died I was a myriad of emotions. And was caught off guard by the grief that hit me for the Dad I'd never ever have. However, I stayed away from the funeral and everything around it

The fact that he's shouty with you shows that he's a man with no current wish to control his emotional or care for how he treats other people.

I'd be telling him to have therapy to sort that out or I'd be reconsidering the relationship. Regardless of how poor he views his upbringing to have been (and I do get it - my earliest memory is violence) he's got no right to go through life expecting to use people as verbal punchbags.

He's grieving and struggling with emotions over something that will now never be fixed as his dad's gone. Add in the alcohol, it's unfortunate but he needs support not more judgment. I'm assuming he's not feeling great about the scene he made?

It's always how the updates go though isn't it.

I dont feel violent towards her but I wld defo want to smash her face in at the funeral considering the absolute lies and BS she came out with.

Exactly. He threatened his brother in front of his kids. Surprised how harsh posters are to op.

You mean the man who shouts at the OP even before his dad died?

I don’t like being around shouty people either OP and won’t tolerate it. I think your gut is trying to tell you something about him which is why this has upset you - does he feel safe?

Yes, he is shouty with me at times. Not violent or anything like that, just loud and reactive when he’s stressed or angry. That’s part of why this whole thing has hit so hard — it’s not a one-off for him to lose his temper. This time just happened to be in front of 50+ people at a funeral.

Well, then he needs anger management and grief counseling, obviously. And you need to decide what you want for the rest of your life.

I feel sorriest for your husband.

If you felt violent towards your sister, then you probably made a wise choice by not going to the funeral. And if OP’s DH felt similar towards his brother then he should have stayed away. OP mentioned that he didn’t visit has dad while he was ill because he didn’t want to be a hypocrite, so having made that stand I don’t understand why he went to the funeral at all.

I think people are losing sight of the fact that this was a wake, and his drunken and aggressive behaviour was totally unacceptable. He showed no respect for anyone who was grieving - including his own mother, the widow. It wasn’t the time or the place, and I understand where OP is coming from.

Having said that I don’t think there is any point in being angry, because he’s clearly suffering and I think if OP loves him she should use this as an opportunity to get him some therapy so he can work out his issues and come to terms with the fact that his father has gone, so there will be no opportunity for reconciliation. But I do wonder whether he has to accept some of the blame for that - the opportunity may well have presented itself if he had visited his father while he was ill. Now he’s probably carrying some guilt for that too. I hope OP can find it in her heart to put this behind her and be supportive of him getting help to sort out his feelings and move on.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. It is very reasonable for you to feel upset, embarrassed, mortified by DH - he has acted like a child at an event where it was entirely inappropriate to do that. However, grief makes people act in strange ways, and I can appreciate that he probably has a lot of built up resentment towards his dad, which he will now never be able to resolve.

Best of luck going forwards and congratulations on your pregnancy!

I am going to guess NO ONE is going to read the OP's update about how her DH shouts at her!

My grandmother was horrible to my dad. But she would have said all the children were treated the same. Just like she would have said that my sibling and I were treated the same as the other grandchildren. They lie to themselves.

Who needs enemies when you've got you as a wife. You DH is obviously going through something, was the timing great, no, but geez have a little sympathy/empathy. It's not about you.

Totally agree, we’ll said

Right. I thought so. He's a shouty angry man even to his wife.
I thought so. Can posters stop rushing to defend him now?
I"d insist he goes to therapy. Tell him about the pregnancy later.

Wow not my way , it sadly can take weeks .