DH made a show of himself at his dad’s wake

Also staggering how much abuse a parent can pile on a child and not even realise anything is wrong. Personally, I wouldn't have gone to the funeral. Did DH or OP ever consider that an option or did they feel there was no choice, I wonder.

It is staggering. I was removed from my parents at 7 because of their abuse and neglect, so I'm not unaware or unsympathetic.

A shitty childhood doesn't give you the right to frighten children though, and their uncle having to be pulled off their father will undoubtedly have scared those children. There is no excuse for that.

He shouldn't have gone. At the very least he should have stayed sober.

Also staggering how much abuse a parent can pile on a child and not even realise anything is wrong. Personally, I wouldn't have gone to the funeral. Did DH or OP ever consider that an option or did they feel there was no choice, I wonder.

Agree totally. When a relationship hasn't be great there's an anger, an emotion that can never be fixed, you can't say what you need to say to that parent, it can never be discussed, put right. You therefore grieve for the loss of your parent but also for the relationship you should have had.

Yeah not great timing but he needs your support x

It's quite something.

I see now why my father had so many women fawning over him desperate to be the one to save him.

Yet on a thread about the effects of violence in childhood I (and others with similar violent and abusive childhoods) was firmly told by multiple posters that his violence and neglect shouldn't be having any impact on my life because I'm an adult now and how I feel and live is my choice...

This, with bells on, this whole thread is so frustrating. I commented that I would’ve left the second he started because I don’t tolerate that kind of behaviour.

I have no empathy for men like this and I would not be there to make him feel better.

That's my take. Is he a shouty prick because his family don't regard him as equal or do his family not regard him as equal becaise he's a shouty prick.

I know where my money is.

The op should be ashamed? As opposed to the grown man who threatened physical violence in front of grieving young children...

What if OP's husband's behaviour came out of him being a prick who shouts at his wife, coerces her into getting pregnant and tries to start fights at funerals? Nothing the OP has said makes him sound particularly nice when he's not with his family.
I understand that sometimes there are true scapegoats and black sheep who have done nothing wrong and everyone in their family is mean to them, but sometimes a spade is a spade. A lot of black sheep are also the family gambler, liar, thief, drug addict, violent abuser and all round degenerate. When they meet people do you think they self describe this way or tell people how it's not their fault?

Your lack of basic humanity for the OP is also shocking. Her husband is a shouty and difficult man who has threatened to smash his brother's face in, in front of his brother's children. OP has also said:

'Usually when he shouts it’s just me and him, behind closed doors. No one else ever sees it.'

He didn't visit his dying father in hospital as he said he would have been a hypocrite. Given his stance on this, I'm not sure why he then decide to go to the funeral and the wake.

Lots of people, including myself, have had difficult relationships with their fathers but don't do what he did at their funerals. He has squandered any sympathy and compassion that people might have felt for him by his drunken and violent behaviour.

Honestly, I don't think that threatening to inflict violence on his brother in front of his brother's children is just 'letting out years of bottled up emotion'. 'Making a show of himself' just implies embarassing behaviour. As his behaviour included violent threads, I think his behaviour was worse than making a show of himself.

He is an adult who had years and years to:

A--Confront his Dad while his Dad was alive
B--Get therapy to learn to deal with his feelings

Instead, he picked:
C--Wait until your Dad dies, get drunk, start shouting and getting angry and then try to injure your brother in front of his small children.

The fact that so many seem to think "C" was a rational choice is astounding!

There is a time and there is a place and the drunken sod missed both.

I don’t agree and it seems that there other posters who also disagree. It’s possible to sympathise with her husband’s feelings about his childhood and to suggest he talks to a therapist whilst also acknowledging that his behaviour at the funeral was wrong and to feel embarrassed.

You should be standing by your husband during these harrowing times, not disgracing him by opening this shameful thread.
Your lack of basic human sympathy is shocking. He has clearly endured a deeply traumatic childhood that has taken a severe toll on his health.
Your actions are appalling, and you should be utterly ashamed.

I agree, @Bloozie. I am not saying that the OP's dh's behaviour was acceptable or right, but it didn't come out of nowhere, and they need to look at where it came from, and deal with it - probably in therapy.

I believe it is possible to criticise the behaviour, and say it was unacceptable, and still look at its root causes and seek to heal whatever damage caused the behaviour.

'Had a full on go at his brother, threatening him, and had to be pulled away' isn't brilliant, especially in front of children, but dismissing her husband's extreme upset and anger as 'making a show' rather than worrying about what sits beneath them, and being more worried about her own embarrassment than her husband's grief... It's not how I'd approach this, put it that way.

Guess what? Dripping taps make an annoying noise. * *

DH behaved like an absolute cock, and you don't get a free pass on abusing people because "grief". Don't talk to him about it now though, but if he does something similar definitely don't tolerate it and do address it when the loss is not so recent.

PS, and if he's regularly verbally abusing you, why are you putting up with it?

My DH and I (47+ years) have yelled at each other during an argument, but we have never taken days to apologize. Of course, most of that was years ago. Now, when we each do something "puzzling", we have learned to let it go or just find the humor in it.

The fact that OPs NVDH takes days to apologize when just he is angry and shouty, is concerning. He doesn't sound like one who would accept therapy, but he needs it.

But, that would ruin all of their fun. There is a whole segment of MN, who do nothing but froth at the mouth, waiting to attack whichever poster they decide they want to try and destroy. NOTHING decent, good or helpful ever comes off their fingers. Just hateful, hurtful, words that try to belittle, denigrate, castigate and destroy the poster.

Sadly, they must have the most awful lives in existence, or they'd have zero need to behave as they do. It's many of the same ones, over and over, on a daily basis. They actually egg each other on and even sound the same as they give their virtual high-fives over an insult.

Luckily, there are also posters here who give very good advice, and still manage to be kind with their words, even when they do not agree with the OP. They are the reason MN still stands strong. They actually care about the topics, the OPs, the issue and can give advice or a rebuke without tossing the OPs a nuclear warhead. These posters also know who they are, and I thank them often in my thoughts. It's easier to be unkind than it is to be kind in these forums, so the kind deserve kudos.

Actually, with her NVDH's propensity for shouting and violent threats in front of youg children, I suspect that the NVDH is more like his father than he'd care to admit.

Hopefully, @Colpered will think long and hard about continuing a relationship with this man-child, OOC, adult brat. Nothing wrong at all with being a single mother and better all around than being with a man who enjoys being loud, shouts and takes days to apologize.

I don't blame you for not telling him and the poster(s) who think you should tell him now. like some kind of "treat" are, imo, batshite.
The fact that he shouts at you and takes DAYS to apologize and the fact that he was threatening a father in front of his very young children, makes me wonder what kind of father he will be. I can understand you thinking this too.
He has shown you who he is, in private and now in public. Is this what you want for the next 20+ years of your life? I think it's wonderful that you are expecting, but am not so thrilled that your NVDH is the father.

Many UNMumsnet {{HUGS}} to you.

And, guess what? She IS!

Too bad, too sad for ya, but she and a few sane others are right and the rest of ya'll can pound salt for your viciousness.

They, frankly, don't give a f'ing crap because piling on a newly pregnant woman is WAY TOO MUCH FUN for them!

What a bunch of tossers.

@Colpered I feel for you. There is a time and a place for outbursts, and his father's funeral was neither. Your NVDH needs to lay off the booze and lay in to some serious therapy. If he is shouty at you when frustrated, it will get worse with a child in the mix. Think seriously about the relationship and how he'll treat your child, if he is still so messed up.

AIBU to be livid? I feel sorry for him in some ways but Jesus Christ, it was a funeral. Not the time. I don’t even want to show my face around his family now.

Why are you livid? I can understand embarrassed, but he did this in front his mum and brother and others, so not sure why you’re livid. If he did it at your family funeral then I would understand.

Anyway, sounds like you have much bigger issues than his behaviour at the funeral.

Couldn't agree more.
Women are surprised when they end up with low life, when often the signs were clearly there.

His poor mother and brother having a painful time made worse by the unfortunate OP's uncouth husband making a holy show of himself, his family and his fathers memory....a father he couldn't be arsed to visit before his death.

He had an issue with his father, fair enough.
Stay the hell away.
Don't go and make a show of yourself and your family, traumatising them all by behaving like violent scum in front of young children.

OP, I really hope this is a wake up call for you.
Get away from this waster while you can.