To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

Holy shit!

YANBU.

Agree 100% - trying to punish a newborn for crying is insane toxic abusive behaviour and his doubling down on OP the way he is is red flag city.

Poor baby you need to explain the severity of what he did OP, course he knew the crying was worse, the poor child is only 8 weeks and was sick after crying so much. He just needed comfort from a parent. Op tired or not, I’d be doing it myself from now on, unless you can get him to listen and acknowledge, you are trying to help him to understand how to look after baby properly, I know it’s not easy and most people don’t know what they are doing at first - but need to accept if they are approaching things incorrectly

Men are practical. Women are maternal. For most of us, it’s excruciating to hear your baby in distress. Men (generally) just aren’t bothered by it in the same way.

id have been furious too OP.

I don't think this has anything to do with the dishwasher, or the steriliser, that's just a convenient excuse.

It sounds a lot more like some attempt at sleep training/punishment of the baby for crying, at 8 weeks that's really unsettling.

If he was concerned and it genuinely was the dishwasher he would have been carrying and soothing the baby while he waited.

I think we’re getting side tracked with the dishwasher here. Just pick him up and try to sooth him. Give him one of the prepared ones.
Once that’s done concentrate on the sterilising of the other bottles. How many bottles do you have? Wash them out and do them through the day? That way you won’t be caught short.
But really the issue is an eight week old baby crying and vomiting in the dark on his own. Not good parenting in my book.

He can take his 'you're being bossy' and shove it up his neglectful arse. Honestly, I'd be absolutely fucking livid if my DH had've done this.

This …sterilisers didn’t exist when I was a baby!

I think you need a proper sit down chat about things to be honest, with honesty on both sides and hear each other out but also actually listen to each other- it sounds like he bats you away rather than listens and that cannot continue.

There are absolutely times when you are going to disagree about things when it comes to parenting, it’s normal, there isn’t a one size fits all approach that works perfectly for every baby and every family, there is a good amount of difference and you might not start on the same page but you do have to end up on the same page and that requires communication and respect on both sides.

My husband & I have had a few instances where we have had differing opinions, for example weaning. I had done a lot of research and reading, I wanted to do BLW. My husband hadn’t really read up on it (which is fair enough, I don’t expect him to have, I had done the reading more out of curiosity & something to do during nap time on mat leave) and he didn’t want to do BLW as he was worried about choking. We sat and had a proper chat about it, I explained why I wanted to & my reasoning, after listening and looking at some of the reading himself he agreed and I booked us both onto a baby safety class so we both knew how to deal with choking, we were back on the same page- no arguments required. I was the one at home with our daughter all day on mat leave, I could have just done BLW anyway and told him to deal with it, he wasn’t home so couldn’t have stopped me, but I respect him, his opinion and his worries and I know it is important for us to be on the same page.

You’re not always going to agree immediately but you cannot continue where one of you unilaterally decides to do something that the other disagrees with.

I find faffing so fucking annoying when a baby needs feeding. Nobody needs to wait for a dishwasher or a steriliser.

wash a bottle in soapy water, sterilise it using boiling water from the kettle then put milk in it. 5 minutes absolute tops. And hold the baby over your shoulder while doing it.

there was no need for all the dramatics.

I think that maternal instinct gives you an understanding of when a cry is a distressed cry and this is validated by the fact that your baby had been sick. As others have said, 8 weeks is very young and not a time for sleep-training.

What was he doing whilst his baby cried for 20 minutes and the dishwasher was still running?

Just sitting ignoring it all? Watching tv? Scrolling? Xbox? I mean, he had to be doing something.

Leaving a baby to cry when you're in the middle of something is fine, shutting them away and ignoring them is something else. An 8 week old needs to be comforted. Even when I couldn't pick my baby up I was talking soothingly to them. I remember being in the middle of changing very poppy baby nappy, and my newborn losing her shit screaming. Nothing I could do, baby needed changing. So I talked and let my newborn hear my voice until I could pick her up.

I would say though, if bottles have been in a hot steamy dishwasher they probably didn't need sterilising as all a steriliser does is create steam the same way a hot dishwasher does.

And if DC was had asphyxiated on said sick how long would it take DH to notice? Would he had assumed baby fell asleep from his great ways of ignoring and “sleep training” at 8 weeks old??

If he was waiting for the dishwasher to finish he had time on his hands to soothe the baby. Or if it was too much for him he could have tapped out and asked you to take baby. Leaving them to cry in the dark is completely unacceptable. Sleep training is barbaric at this age if that was his intention and 'self soothing' is not a thing. It's learned helplessness like children in orphanages that don't cry anymore.

Because he doesn’t respect you. There, I said it. If he respected you he could take your lead or guidance but as it is if you tell him something he has to firmly already know it or have his own, equally good way of doing things. He has to be right because god forbid you (a woman??) be able to teach him anything or know things he doesn’t already.

He didn't even need to stop the dishwasher early and sterilise, he just needed to pick up his crying child and comfort them.

Your baby could have choked on their vomit and died and he’s more upset about being “corrected” for his quite blatently neglectful parenting. His defensiveness is not good parenting or husbanding. He is wrong. Packing a dishwasher in a less efficient way is not the same as risking your newborns life and if he can’t see that he needs to step away and educate himself throughly before coming back with a serious apology.

He was wrong. Leaving a baby to cry for so long is cruel and leaving them to potentially choke on their vomit was dangerous.

Stop speaking “gently” and “kindly pointing out”. You are within your rights to get angry and force change! Stand up for your child.
Do not back down, no matter what he says.

Even proponents of sleep training don't suggest you leave a baby this young, that's incredibly cruel of him. Also (when the baby is older) any strategies to manage sleep need to be agreed together.

I was potentially on team DH- until you mentioned the fact it was 20 minutes.

There are times when you just have no choice but to let your baby cry for a bit when something else needs to be done and requires two hands, but 20 minutes? Nope.

Also, putting the baby in another room is a big no no. I know others will have their own opinions on that but 8 weeks is very very little still, I didn’t leave my daughter in a room alone at that age, definitely not for 20 minutes