To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

That was my reaction too!
You've just carried that baby for 9 months OP. He needs you more than his detached, bullying father for reasons that are pretty obvious from your post.
Never ignore a crying baby.

I would very much be contemplating a ltb here.
he’s a shit dad and his defensive behaviour will only get worse, you won’t be able to trust him when you go out etc which would be a deal breaker for me, what’s the point of a partner you can’t trust with his own baby.
use your mat leave to set yourself up without him

I'd have been bloody livid and he'd never be looking after my baby again. He sounds like he really resents the baby and can't be trusted at all.

It sounds like he’s not got a very strong emotional attachment to your baby

This is why exclusive breastfeeding is so good. We had no crying from the baby in the night As soon as they woke up, they were put on the breast while I remained in a semi sleep state, purped them and put them back down. Everyone went back to sleep straight away. This happened around 3-4 times at night, so easy

I can't see where it says that? OP was upstairs and the man dangerously neglected the infant.
@Lourdes12 presumably the OP cannot or doesn't want to feed her baby that way.

Breastfeeding as a way to prevent the husband from leaving to baby to vomit alone in distress isn't a great solution.

Your instincts were 100% correct - your baby was in need & your partner shut it in the dining room because he probably knew it had been sick & didn't want to hand wash the bottles

Pure laziness & I would rethink leaving my child alone with him

Men don’t have the maternal instinct that women have because they didn’t carry the baby. This is why i exclusively breastfed, no expressing or faffing around with bottles. I appreciate not everyone is able to breastfeed so baby needs to be held why you sort out bottles and milk. It sounds like things need to be better organised. When babies are hungry, they need to eat straight away not hang around and wait for milk and bottles

Your poor baby op. At 8 weeks, your DH should never have left the baby to cry like that. He did it because he couldn't be bothered to try to soothe the baby, whether through frustration/tiredness or just plain indifference. If he can't see that what he did was wrong, I'd be concerned about leaving him alone with the baby.

I might have misunderstood but is baby sleeping downstairs whilst you and DH sleep upstairs?

Shutting the baby in another room in the dark is really weird. You just don’t do that with an 8 week old, when you need to watch them. So on this front he is very unreasonable. I know sleep deprivation and a crying baby can be difficult but he needs to find ways of soothing the baby.

if your baby is quite demanding for a bottle and doesn’t like to wait then then be more organised with the bottles. My baby was like this and we hand washed the bottles and put them in Milton throughout the day and always had two ready to go. Because at 8 weeks they go through a lot of bottles! Can’t see the point of putting them through the dishwasher when hand washing is a 5 minute job. Maybe he felt you set him up to fail on that front, then the defensiveness comes on how he dealt with it? Maybe sit down and agree ways you can make things easier like always having nappies stocked, bottles ready, spare clothing and both take responsibility for helping each other

Never ignore your instincts when it comes to your child, especially one as defenceless as an 8 week old baby. Your husband sounds like a cruel arsehole. There’s doing things differently and then there’s neglect of an infant’s needs. I wouldn’t be trusting him alone with my baby until he acknowledges that what he did was unacceptable.

I could not trust him with the baby after that, he needs to see a therapist about his defensive nature to any discussion you have, it's toxic and very disrespectful to you.
What your husband did last night was cruel and not ok from any pov, please don't leave the baby with him again.

In this situation it’s fine to just make up the bottle without sterilising it, he should prioritise that. Sounds like he wasn’t coping. It’s weird and dangerous to shut baby in a dark room like that.

He's deliberately harming your baby so you learn never to ask him to do a fair share of the childcare. It's horrible.

Leaving a distressed baby for twenty minutes isn't a "parenting difference", it's clearly unsafe. What if the baby had choked? Does he understand about attachment and child development?

The real question is why he feels more comfortable letting the baby get highly distressed than having to do a little bit of washing up? That isn't the behaviour of a parent who's bonded with their child.

@safetyfirst1 He is using the baby to revenge you for things he doesn't like in his life.
Maybe he had no idea how hard its like to have a young baby and how it has impacted his life. Maybe he is jealous of you and how tied you are to baby. Maybe he thinks it is your job to look after baby and cause minimal disturbance to him in the process. Maybe he gets annoyed when sex isnt on tap and he isnt getting attention from you. Maybe he thinks all house chores belong to women and they should not be bothered with that stuff. And he sees you and baby as a unit. So he uses baby to cause you distress and make sure you are not happy (or rested) either.

Many men think like this. It's awful to realise, but its so common. Men want children like kids want pets.

Your husband sounds awful, at what point would he have checked, your baby could’ve died. No way should he have shut him in a dark room, what in earth is wrong with him? Dishwasher is secondary to this. He just doesn’t want you telling him what to do. I’d show him this thread

I would be livid. What if the baby had choked. Babies that young are supposed to be in the same room as parent/carer at all times. Who on earth shuts a tiny baby in a dark room by themselves. All they want is comfort. I couldn't get over that, I'm sorry. I'd never trust him on his own with the baby again.

I would be bossy too if my DH was this incompetent! Who puts an 8 week old in a room on their own with the doors shut?? This goes against all medical and health advice, and I hope you've told him that.

As everyone else on this thread is saying, there is a right and a wrong on this and he is wrong. However, in the past mothers were advised to leave babies crying. He is probably subconsciously (?) aware of this and doesnt see the problem. He needs to respect you and make a proper effort to do a proper job. Or ltb

Blimey, how old are you? Milton sterilisers became widespread in the 1940s.

I agree with what others have said - this isn't a matter of differing opinions. What your husband did was objectively wrong. 8 weeks is barely past the newborn stage - a baby that tiny has to be with a parent all the time, for safety. They cannot be left to cry in a dark room. It's dangerous. There is no justifying it, no argument about who is right or wrong. It is wrong and you have to protect your baby.

Your DH can be defensive all he likes. You need to impress upon him that this is not acceptable and he cannot do it. Ever.

You're right, the way he shut the baby away and did nothing is really concerning, and then he's being so defensive of his shitty behavior that he's now attacking you. I don't know what you can do if he is going to be so stubborn about it but I really couldn't accept this in your position. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

This is not about the dishwasher. Your baby could have died.

If he doesn’t realise this, I’d never leave him alone with the baby again.

Let him get annoyed.
Dont pussyfoot around it by trying to speak kindly and gently.
just be straightforward.
”Look, you cannot let a baby cry this long. He could have choked on his vomit. Please go to him if he’s crying! He is very vulnerable, we need to put his needs first.’

And if he is annoyed at hearing that, so be it. But explain it and say it.