To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

Agree DH is wrong in this instance. I will just add that the early days of parenthood are awful and it’s into uncommon for new fathers to feel pushed out and not good enough when seeing the bond between their newborn and mother- when we have an innate ability to know what our babies need and hot to do it best- no excuse but it’s common. Perhaps he’s feeling like this and inadequate and the defensiveness is trying to assert him self.

I would prob come at it from this angle about how difficult parenting can be and you know it must be hard for him perhaps not yet having such a strong bond? Reassure him it will come but you have to work together to find parenting methods that work for you both, and leaving them to cry (until much older) isn’t recommended- you’re both still learning so being supportive will reduce his need for defensiveness.

That is putting it politely.

Oh bless him, he's still tiny. Your husband was in the wrong and very stupid, especially as your baby had vomited, poor little chap.

He needs to learn to parent adequately so he can be trusted. You were quite right to point out how wrong he was but he obviously doesn't like that, hence his defensiveness. Tell him to grow up!

There were ready to feed bottles available, as per the OPs post at 10:13 so that option was easily available to the DH, that's what they are there for.

Rubbish. Who do we set the bar so low for men? Mine shared everything equally and was just as tuned into our babies as me, often more.

OP, what he did was totally unacceptable and you know that.

You might want to tighten up your bottle admin though. We made the bottles in advance (no, it's not. What the NHS suggest, with the WHO say it safe and that's good enough for me), so there was always one ready to go at the back of the fridge. When you use your penultimate one, make up the next batch whether that be six or whatever. You're never in the position of waiting for a bottle then, ever. Saying that if he's such an incompetent idiots can even be trusted to heat it up right?

Don't take my posts as me thinking you are to blame for this, more that he's not going to accept any criticism or suggestions, so it's sadly up to you.

I would be absolutely furious if my DH did that!! What an absolute arsehole. Firstly for just leaving your tiny baby to cry alone and secondly for his disgusting reaction when you pointed out how wrong he was! Why on earth didn’t he at least hold and comfort the poor baby while he was waiting for the bottles? Or use one of the ready made bottles?! It’s horrific behaviour. There’s no way you should be made to feel like you’re in the wrong here!

you wouldn't do that to an animal let alone a child. and if the bottle genuinely could not be used (but I don't see why not) then you pick the baby up and soothe them. I have never had kids although used to look after my niece and nephew and even I know that..... I am thinking that this could be thought of as abusive....has he shown abusive or borderline behaviour before?

Get a cold water steriliser. I know they are thought of as old fashioned but the bottles float around and and nearly always ready to use. Easy too 😊

No sorry OP that is awful on your husband's part. If mine had done the same to ours at 8 weeks (or at all) I would be horrified and furious. He has done some idiotic things and I certainly don't tiptoe around him asking to be shown how to do things. Stand up for yourself and your baby. You are your baby's protector, including from dad if need be. if you're scared to stand up to him then there’s a bigger problem.

I only read the OP and my heart broke for that tiny baby. FFS. You carry on your “bossing” OP.

I do not have children but when I hear one of my nephews cry I don’t ignore them for 20 minutes. I don’t leave them alone in distress in dark rooms, when they’re hungry I feed them and when they’re distressed I comfort them.

It has got nothing to do with him not carrying a baby and everything to do with him being a neglectful arsehole who was clearly trying to punish the baby for crying with some sort of war of wills.

Your husband is wrong and his actions were dangerous. Your baby could have died. As he's still being obnoxious about it this morning and isn't sorry at all, you need to prioritise the baby's safety. Plus your husband sounds like a controlling pig anyway. Have you got somewhere safe to go with your baby?

Leaving an eight week old baby to cry for 20 minutes is really damaging, it will cause massive cortisol spikes which is terrible for them at such a young age, he is wrong

Obviously leaving a small baby to cry for 20 minutes is not acceptable, but just wanted to point out that fathers can get postpartum depression also. This could be part of the problem with defensiveness etc.

Oh my good god. Your husband is a fucking moron.

DH was always an attentive father but he could never hear the different notes in dc’s crying.

I didn't make the comment about breastfeeding 🤔

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannelAbsolute nonsense!
Also do you have any self awareness whatsoever?! Even if that were true (EBF babies are generally hungrier and grumpier babies!), in what world was your comment helpful to OP? Shameless bragging that any time your baby wanted attention you shoved your breast on him/her to shut them up?! Not helpful. At all.

I’m genuinely not trying to be dramatic here but all I could think of after reading your OP (& continually with your updates) was “this man is abusive” “this man is abusive”
I’ve been through similar with my DC’s father and it does not get better I’m afraid. Some men just aren’t good fathers and whilst many will happily learn as they go and eventually become decent fathers, some don’t. In my case I highly regret not seeing the warning signs earlier.
My advice is to write down every little niggle at the back of your mind, along with this incident and how he gets defensive at criticism etc - everything. Then after a while, go back and read it as though it was written by someone else to describe their own DH. I’m pretty confident it will hit home.

He left your 8 week old baby in dark room crying to the point of being sick. The baby could have choked to death.

I'm sorry but that is an absolute disgrace and your DH is actually super cruel and neglectful!

If I came downstairs to see my husband had done that he'd wish he hadn't been born. You need to find some gumption.

Saying men cannot be expected to not leave infants to choke on vomit alone because they didn't gestate the infant is a diabolical take on bare minimum parenting.

You don’t need a maternal instinct, you just need some human empathy and some common sense. Both of which the DH seems to have missed out on.

One of the most worrying parts of this is that you clearly knew something wasn't ok with your baby and we're stopped from going downstairs by your worry about your dh's reaction.

That isn't normal, it isn't how people in supportive relationships feel. I hope you're ok.

As someone who exclusively breastfed both my children for years, kindly STFU. What a sanctimonious, unhelpful and irrelevant comment.

And the award for most unhelpful comment goes to.........