Page 5 | To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

safetyfirst1 · 2025-06-06T08:54:33+00:00

Looking for some perspective here as I’m doubting myself. This happened last night and I can’t shake the feeling that it was wrong, but DH says I’m being critical of his parenting. We have a young baby. I’d put bottles in the dishwasher to clean them before going to bed and told DH where they were so he could sterilise them after. I was trying to sleep but could hear baby crying downstairs. The crying went on a while, initially because DH keeps saying I’m bossing him about I decided to leave him to handle things and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t as it was so loud and then it started sounding different - more distressed than usual. Despite DH always telling me I’m “bossy” about baby care, I eventually couldn’t ignore my instincts and went down to check. When I got downstairs, I found DH walking toward the dining room (a room we rarely use). Baby was in there, pitch black doors closed, with white noise on. When I asked what was happening, I went in and found baby had been sick and was absolutely beside himself crying. Baby calmed down almost immediately when I picked him up. DH’s explanation: The steriliser takes 7 minutes, dishwasher had 10 minutes left and was just waiting for them to finish (even though anyone knows you can stop a dishwasher and my DH is a very intelligent problem solver generally). He then said because I couldn’t be bothered to wash them manually, neither could he which is why he let the dishwasher finish?! He then said he put baby in the dining room because of our cats being in the living room and it was quieter as he didn’t want it to wake me up. He also said he’d been trying to soothe baby for ages before putting him in there. What I didn’t understand is why not stop the dishwasher and take them out rather than leave the dishwasher to completely finish? Waiting for them meant leaving the baby almost 20 minutes crying hysterically. When I gently brought this up this morning, saying I wouldn’t have done it that way, he got defensive and said he’s “fed up” of me criticising his parenting and that “babies cry, it’s not an issue to leave them crying sometimes, some babies have colic and cry for hours”. Also that the cry didn’t sound more distressed it was the same as any other cry (which being primary caregiver on mat leave I know this is NOT the case). AIBU to think this was wrong? Should I have just left him to handle it his way? I feel like I can’t raise concerns about baby’s care without being told I’m being critical, but something about this felt really off to me. WWYD? Am I overreacting or were my instincts right? Any advice for others that have had situations like this post natal?

Macklemup · 07/06/2025 12:46

He sounds like a nasty piece of work who is shutting you down.

I suggest you talk to your GP, health visitor and women's aid.

I know it is hard, but do not trust him with the care of that baby.
I would fear for its care.
Leaving it alone roaring crying in a dark room until it vomited is shocking.

Talk to your mother.
Do not trust him.

He has you anxious, walking on eggshells and he shuts you down.

Absolutely abusive.
Ask to stay with family.

pikkumyy77 · 07/06/2025 12:42

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 06/06/2025 17:10

"Crying is the only way babies communicate" is such a dangerous myth.

Babies have dozens of cues that are universal. There are great YouTube videos showing different cries and cues such as tongue thrusting, leg kicking etc.

Dumb. Many of those are literally involuntary and stop at specific developmental stages.

Nanny0gg · 07/06/2025 12:40

safetyfirst1 · 07/06/2025 12:07

@Dunnowototim not playing dumb but why do you say he’s abusive and outside of the OP what else is unreasonable? I often feel like I’m going crazy with him when I point something out that

He is abusive

He's controlling

It has to be his way or you're punished in one form or another

And it's absolutely going to get worse as he won't listen and he won't back down

I'm really sorry but there is no question your marriage won't last unless he totally strips you of yourself

pikkumyy77 · 07/06/2025 12:39

safetyfirst1 · 07/06/2025 07:44

We are at a point where everything to do with parenting has to be googled, and unless scientists can show evidence for things, we can’t agree.

Even sometimes when I can find evidence supporting something, he still won’t always agree, and it leaves me thinking, “How did we get to this place?”

I even explained to him that I’m newly postpartum and hormones literally make me protective. Anything I suggest is only ever in the best interest of our son, so what’s the issue?

When he suggests things to me, I often go along with it. For example, in the dishwasher scenario in this situation, he said I’d packed the dishes like an idiot into the dishwasher so the small bottle teats had gone everywhere. My response was, “Show me how to do it differently then.” Why can’t he be as willing to learn and open?

The bottom line is I also think part of it is that he gets really annoyed that I use the dishwasher at all. He thinks it’s for lazy people, and I insisted we buy one before the baby was born as ours had been broken for years.

He hates that I use it because dishes stay in there for the day until it’s emptied, and sometimes I forget to empty it—not out of laziness, just genuinely forget they’re there.

He continues to wash by hand, and I honestly believe this was part of it. He’s always angry that I put bottles in the dishwasher, but this is only my suspicion—he didn’t say this.

He is just a really shitty, emotionally immature, cruel person. I know this is a hard thing to hear but he has nothing but contempt for you (and no doubt lots of people) and this is the death knell for a marriage. Or should be. it is the quality that every marriage counselor knows to be fatal.

He threatens to abandon you. He attacks you personally (bossy etc…), he is willing to harm your child and you to make a point, he is determined to dominate and win at all costs.

Try to get out sooner rather than later.

Original poster

safetyfirst1 · 07/06/2025 12:07

@Dunnowototim not playing dumb but why do you say he’s abusive and outside of the OP what else is unreasonable? I often feel like I’m going crazy with him when I point something out that

OP posts:

Dunnowotot · 07/06/2025 10:54

Stop trying to convince him. Just stop. And accept this baby is now your 100% responsibility and parent accordingly.
Your partner is abusive. He is grinding you down by knowingly doing unreasonable, irrational and harmful things. He is in total control of you and your emotions because you are currently vulnerable with a newborn.

So gather your strength. Stop explaining. Accept the responsibility fully, and then when you're ready. Leave.

Haemagoblin · 07/06/2025 09:41

Agree with other posters this will be the tip of the iceberg. Men like this can't bear not to be in control and a newborn baby means that no one's in control, that's just the nature of the beast. So rather than dealing with their own feelings of helplessness and anxiety, they process them as anger - at the baby for changing all his routines and taking your attention away from him; at you for no longer centering his needs and wants and preferences (dishwasher a prime example of this).

When you have time to think about it you will realise how much of your relationship has depended heretofore on you accommodating, scaffolding and giving way to him. Because you could, and you are kind. But a baby will utterly destroy that dynamic because YOU and your priorities have changed (baby now most important thing) and he and his haven't (he is still the most important thing).

Your relationship may survive this very difficult transition, but it will never be the same because you have seen him now and it's impossible to unsee. Speaking from experience.

LowDownBoyStandUpGuy · 07/06/2025 08:57

PeapodMcgee · 07/06/2025 08:17

Because he is a child abuser and a wife abuser. Please report him and get him out. His behaviour is dangerous and toxic. He makes you feel in the wrong all the time because it's coercive control. Please seek support for this in real life.

Show quote history

Unfortunately OP this is becoming clearer and clearer the more you post. This is not a normal healthy relationship and someone who genuinely loves his wife and child just wouldn’t act like this, it really is that simple.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/06/2025 08:50

LadyDanburysHat · 06/06/2025 10:32

He didn't even need to stop the dishwasher early and sterilise, he just needed to pick up his crying child and comfort them.

Agree

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/06/2025 08:49

safetyfirst1 · 06/06/2025 10:13

Yes I’ve learned to never do that again re:the bottles but honestly, I’m not even convinced it was the case because I feel like a pit the dishwasher on way earlier in the night and it was express mode an hour, I also would have thought initiative to open the dishwasher would not have gone amiss?

we also have ready to feed bottles in the house, I had took some bottles upstairs so I can do night feeds easier and when I knew the issue I went to get one of those but it was the fact he was waiting for the dishwasher and saw leaving him alone in a dark room ok - I agree with poster that said I’ll show you how sleep training is done.

I feel sad honestly, and he has tried to make me out to be the problem is what has made me sad.

he said I should keep my opinions to myself and that I had packed the dishwasher up like an idiot and the small pieces hadn’t washed properly anyway but he’s not critiscising me about it.

I kindly pointed out I’m happy to learn how to pack them better and could he show me because I’m NOT defensive if there’s a better way I’m open to someone showing me!

So it's fine for him to dole out criticism and insults but not accept any advice on keeping his child alive and well?

Op I've seen this so many times and you will probably break up so you might as well do it now

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/06/2025 08:48

safetyfirst1 · 06/06/2025 10:01

@Motomum238 weeks

Baby could have died. He was neglectful and cruel and I wouldn't trust him alone with baby again while it's that small and vulnerable. He can do house work and cooking , you do baby

Profpudding · 07/06/2025 08:19

PeapodMcgee · 07/06/2025 08:17

Because he is a child abuser and a wife abuser. Please report him and get him out. His behaviour is dangerous and toxic. He makes you feel in the wrong all the time because it's coercive control. Please seek support for this in real life.

Show quote history

You’re absolutely right, This is where it starts and their true colours come to light when they think they’ve got you where they want you under the thumb.

PeapodMcgee · 07/06/2025 08:17

safetyfirst1 · 07/06/2025 08:03

The part you referenced here is what’s killing me about being postpartum and him treating me with kindness. Letting me take the lead is something he absolutely will not allow me to do. Sometimes he backs down, but not easily, and it’s led to him giving me this “bossy” title and saying I need to stop bossing him as it’s affecting our relationship.

It makes me sad that clearly he doesn’t care that being postpartum, I’m obviously going to be very protective, etc.

It’s like anything I do, he thinks is overreacting or silly. I even got the baby some wrist and ankle rattles, and he said, “Why did you do that? And he said Even the health visitor apparently said there’s no need to buy toys—they’re more interested in faces”—but this comment was approximately six weeks ago by the HV! He’s developed a lot since then, and I use the mat with him multiple times daily and feel he gets a little bored, so I wanted to make it more exciting.

DH has never once used the play mat, and I suggest it, but he doesn’t. This was another argument—he says the bouncers/chairs are fine for his development as he is still kicking, etc. I had to find articles and send them to him showing play mats are better as they move more freely. It’s exhausting.

Why would someone go against this though? I’m only clearly trying to do what’s best. What I’m suggesting is in no way harmful, so why the resistance?

Show quote history

Because he is a child abuser and a wife abuser. Please report him and get him out. His behaviour is dangerous and toxic. He makes you feel in the wrong all the time because it's coercive control. Please seek support for this in real life.

Profpudding · 07/06/2025 08:07

safetyfirst1 · 07/06/2025 07:52

@ProfpuddingI do see your point - although I do most of it myself overnight he just does the 10pm feed and takes baby from 8pm to 1am for me to sleep and get ahead.

if I did all night wakings myself I really struggle.

Yes, you will struggle
But to be honest, it’s better than the alternative. I don’t want to do the whole. I had four kids on my own practically because he worked away and I was alright thing. But that is the truth
Often they’re more of a bloody hindrance than a help.

Original poster

safetyfirst1 · 07/06/2025 08:03

SoonToBeArtStudent · 06/06/2025 15:12

Your “D”H sounds like a grade A bellend and I wouldn’t be explaining anything kindly but packing his bags. He’s a danger to your baby through his negligence and obviously can’t be trusted. And he probably knows this, which is why he’s so defensive.
The bottles/dishwasher thing is irrelevant, you never leave a baby this young unattended even if they’re happy, let alone if they’re crying, they can choke so easily if they vomit.

I don’t really understand the whole situation - so he’s waiting for the dishwasher to finish, why does that mean the baby has to be in another room? He could’ve still checked on him, picked him up?
At this age DD was always in a Moses basket in the same room we were in, whatever we were doing.
Also, at 8 weeks PP my DH took care of me, was always on hand to help with baby but respected my views and let me take the lead.
Your body is still recovering and your hormones are all over the place, your “D”H should be treating you with kindness and looking after you, not telling you you’ve “loaded the dishwasher like an idiot”.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this is just the tip of the iceberg, he sounds abusive.

I would seriously be thinking the relationship.

The part you referenced here is what’s killing me about being postpartum and him treating me with kindness. Letting me take the lead is something he absolutely will not allow me to do. Sometimes he backs down, but not easily, and it’s led to him giving me this “bossy” title and saying I need to stop bossing him as it’s affecting our relationship.

It makes me sad that clearly he doesn’t care that being postpartum, I’m obviously going to be very protective, etc.

It’s like anything I do, he thinks is overreacting or silly. I even got the baby some wrist and ankle rattles, and he said, “Why did you do that? And he said Even the health visitor apparently said there’s no need to buy toys—they’re more interested in faces”—but this comment was approximately six weeks ago by the HV! He’s developed a lot since then, and I use the mat with him multiple times daily and feel he gets a little bored, so I wanted to make it more exciting.

DH has never once used the play mat, and I suggest it, but he doesn’t. This was another argument—he says the bouncers/chairs are fine for his development as he is still kicking, etc. I had to find articles and send them to him showing play mats are better as they move more freely. It’s exhausting.

Why would someone go against this though? I’m only clearly trying to do what’s best. What I’m suggesting is in no way harmful, so why the resistance?

OP posts:

Original poster

safetyfirst1 · 07/06/2025 07:54

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/06/2025 13:19

Of course there are times you have to leave a baby to cry - when you're making a bottle/ having a shower/ eating food / changing them but they want held / when they've been crying for hours and nothing you do helps them and you just really really need a break

But its not clear why he left the baby alone to cry. Your baby was distressed and your husband doesn't seem to care, and would rather be in a different room to the baby? Just doesn't add up or sound like it's anything similar to any other scenario where people usually leave their babies to cry. Yes picking the baby up wouldn't get food any faster but it would have made the baby a lot calmer. He is really not acting in a way that most people would in this scenario. If he won't listen to you then I'd ask if you want to approach the health visitor together for some advice to get an outside perspective on whether you're too interfering or whether he is making some decisions that aren't in the baby's best interests

Exactly this. But I think if I raised that he wasn’t acting the way most people would, he would probably say he isn’t most people 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

Original poster

safetyfirst1 · 07/06/2025 07:52

@ProfpuddingI do see your point - although I do most of it myself overnight he just does the 10pm feed and takes baby from 8pm to 1am for me to sleep and get ahead.

if I did all night wakings myself I really struggle.

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Profpudding · 07/06/2025 07:48

If you’re on maternity leave and the babies eight weeks honest to goodness just do it all yourself and keep him out of it.
I used to allocate mine jobs away from the children that made my life easier but meant that it didn’t have any negative impact on them whatsoever
And then he would do things like Pat them to sleep
Which I doubt yours could be bothered to do but
You get the gist along those lines
The reason why you have maternity leave in the first six months is yours is because the reality of it is the babies do not want the big human that’s missing tits
They just don’t and it’s for their own safety

Original poster

safetyfirst1 · 07/06/2025 07:48

@Talkwhilstyouwalkand @oustedbymymatein with you both to an extent. I looked up spit up and it does say it doesn’t cause death and is the reason babies are placed on their back but it doesn’t excuse this.

also, as you both point out it was his attitude after this was highlighted. There was no remote or explanation he whole heartedly stuck but his decision to do this and got angry I suggested I would have done the contrary. To me this is the issue. There’s no getting through.

also some posters asked what he was doing I believe he was fixing something in the kitchen or at least that’s how it looked when I came down - it was almost as though he’d given up as he tried soothing and that hadn’t worked.

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Original poster

safetyfirst1 · 07/06/2025 07:45

@EdgarAllenRavenhonestly, I’m not sure it would prove anything but if anyone has any links I can try. I will also google later today when I’m less tired

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Original poster

safetyfirst1 · 07/06/2025 07:44

We are at a point where everything to do with parenting has to be googled, and unless scientists can show evidence for things, we can’t agree.

Even sometimes when I can find evidence supporting something, he still won’t always agree, and it leaves me thinking, “How did we get to this place?”

I even explained to him that I’m newly postpartum and hormones literally make me protective. Anything I suggest is only ever in the best interest of our son, so what’s the issue?

When he suggests things to me, I often go along with it. For example, in the dishwasher scenario in this situation, he said I’d packed the dishes like an idiot into the dishwasher so the small bottle teats had gone everywhere. My response was, “Show me how to do it differently then.” Why can’t he be as willing to learn and open?

The bottom line is I also think part of it is that he gets really annoyed that I use the dishwasher at all. He thinks it’s for lazy people, and I insisted we buy one before the baby was born as ours had been broken for years.

He hates that I use it because dishes stay in there for the day until it’s emptied, and sometimes I forget to empty it—not out of laziness, just genuinely forget they’re there.

He continues to wash by hand, and I honestly believe this was part of it. He’s always angry that I put bottles in the dishwasher, but this is only my suspicion—he didn’t say this.

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EdgarAllenRaven · 07/06/2025 07:43

Could you maybe send him a link to an article about the dangers of leaving young babies to cry? Or leave a book lying around? Or get a health visitor to explain it to him?
He needs to learn how to look after a baby, he can’t just assume he knows best.

Original poster

safetyfirst1 · 07/06/2025 07:38

As others pointed out it is less about what happened to an extent the bigger issue now is that after me pointing it out he has become so defensive and basically no apology no justification and it sounds like this will happen again, he certainly hasn’t said it won’t and stuck by the fact that babies cry and that’s that.

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Original poster

safetyfirst1 · 07/06/2025 07:37

@LowDownBoyStandUpGuy I had to stay really calm about it because we would get into a blazing row, and then what happens is he focuses on me losing my cool to detract from the issue. We’ve been there before with other issues, so I’ve had to work on my anger management for this reason.

When I brought it up the next day, he said I can’t keep criticizing how he looks after his son, otherwise I’ll end up doing it on my own. I know this is where it may lead, so I’m trying to be diplomatic, as another poster pointed out.

Because of the “bossy” label he keeps giving me, I didn’t even say “don’t do that again.” I said, “When you left him crying, I would have done it another way—that’s all I’m saying.” This made him come out with the above, and he said we can parent differently and shouldn’t be telling each other what to do when looking after the baby.

It’s virtually impossible, so he’s basically saying we should leave each other to do things our own way and not intervene.

This is creating a divide between us, and I am just finding it really hard.

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Talkwhilstyouwalk · 06/06/2025 23:53

oustedbymymate · 06/06/2025 13:35

Ok. So maybe going to get flamed....

Whilst what happened definitely isn't great I think DH is getting an awful lot of stick without maybe thinking of the other side.

You've both been through a huge life changing thing having a baby. Yes it's massive for you but will also affect him. I genuinely think DH just wasn't thinking straight (who does sleep deprived!) i feel like his trade of thought was

no clean bottle so need a clean bottle
I need to sterilise it first
baby is crying and will wake you up so hoping in other room won't wake you
in dark room baby might go back to sleep whilst I clean and sterilise bottle.

I'm not saying this is rational. It's not. Why he didn't pick baby up and comfort them
Or open dishwasher is anyone's guess. But he didn't.

I think you both need an honest conversation about how shit and hard it is right now. Lay some rules

he never leaves baby alone like that again - what could he have done differently
buy more bottles (we had about 12!!)
always have two fresh sterilised bottles to go. No matter how tired you are. That goes for both. We shared sleep like this and before the other went to bed me or DH we made sure the other had fresh supply of nappies wipes clothes bottles formula anything to make it easier. Drink and snacks etc.

My DH once left my 3 month old outside a public toilet block on his own whilst he went to the toilet as the pram didn't fit in the cubicle. Less than a great decision but we then talked about what he should have done in that situation and he hasn't done it again since.

It's really hard and you're both doing a an amazing job but try not to get into the blame game or who is more tired etc. accept you both feel shit and tired and scared and confused and amazed but how can you be a team. You've got this!

I agree with this. What he did wasn't great, but I also think it is likely he wasn't thinking straight. Sometimes it is hard to think when a baby is screaming. It's bloody hard when they are this little.

Also to add, sometimes you do need to put the baby down and knowing when to do this is very important in some instances when people feel they might snap. It's also dramatic to say that the baby could have choked or died.... when you can hear them screaming like that their lungs are functioning just fine!

Having said all of the above, his attitude does need to change pronto.