To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

@safetyfirst1 Do you have anyone who could come stay with you for a little while? You have an 8-week-old baby and sound utterly defeated and sad, not from being a new mother but because of your awful husband.

It has gotten to the point where he is using your tiny son to prove some sort of point, and you are too scared to stand up to him. This isn't right, it's not normal.

Fucking hell. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Bottles should have been washed and sterile before you both went to bed. I didn't expect my DH to do the night feeds as he was working and I could sleep when baby slept. Be better prepared I'm future.

How is that dumb? If anything, an involuntary form of communication is more valuable because it will happen whether or not the baby is aware to articulate it.

And if you think it's "dumb" to find it useful that babies will tongue-thrust for hunger, or make the "come get me" call in the first six months, when is that information supposed to be useful?

I would imagine his goal is that you do everything for the baby and he does nothing. He doesn’t want autonomy to look after the baby in his own way, he wants you to know that the only way the baby will be properly taken care of is that you do it yourself.
And he’s prepared to risk your child’s safety to do this.
If you are going to be taking care of the baby 100% alone anyway, you might as well live alone too.

I hope you're ok OP; it sounds like a worrying experience.

Sorry if I've missed this, but how did your DH act before your baby was born?

Is he working full time and then with the baby 8pm- 1am every night? Do you spend anytime together?

Take care of yourself!

Your husband is a massive arsehole and a bad Father and he sounds abusive. Supporting a child at that age is about supporting the Mother. An 8 week old needs it's Mother. He doesn't support you or he isn't even kind to you, so that shows he doesn't give two shits about his son. What was he doing trying to sleep train an 8 week old? Next time you hear your baby cry like that, come down and take him off that fuckhead of a husband and I wouldn't be sugar coating what I said to him either. If you feel like you can't take your child back when you want to, and you can't be honest with him when he is mistreating you child, then you are not supporting your baby. It sounds like you will have an easier time if you left him and lived with you Mother or a bit

He needs a parenting course as the bare minimum. New borns are not there to validate men. Most women are breastfeeding at this stage so the Father doesn't do any feeding, and they don't become massively insecure about it. They bond in other ways. Your baby cried so much it caused him to vomit. Don't let your husband do that to him again.

Did either of you attend prenatal classes and if not why not? Have either of you ever spent time with other babies?

I've never used a dishwasher for bottles, I didn't think it was recommended. There is no excuse for leaving an 8 week old baby to cry for 20 minutes. His instincts should have been to soothe his child.

You need to focus on your own instincts because he is gaslighting you. Its the not supporting ypu and wanting to argie over anpont that im strugglingbto understand. He could have held baby whilst the dishwasher finished then put him down to make the bottle safely. I appreciate he might ot uave been thinking straight but he shouldnt jave got all defensive and then turned it on you.You are only 8 weeks postpartum and I find his behaviour concerning. I'm only going off of what I have read though, you know him.

The only thing I would say it is very easy to feel as a mum that you are an expert in all things baby. Often mothers will keep the father at a distance believing their approach is the correct one when this isn't always the case. My dh was an equal parent from the get go but I had to learn not to immediately step in when he was soothing our son for example as that would undermine him. He had to learn and develop his own way to soothe him and he did. My approach wasnt the only way! That was difficult as I knew I could do it much more quickly. However, my child was never at risk, dh always tried to comfort him whenever he cried and if ever I had thought any of mine were being treated in a way which was unsafe I'd have raised it as he would have too.

I think taking some time to stay with family is wise. Hopefully they are supportive so you can get some rest and sleep. Trust your instincts and best of luck op.

Your DH is a dick. Unsupportive at best. Abusive at worst.

You did. And you won’t wait until the cry changes next time. In terms of the different evolutional role played by Mum and Dad, contact with Mum is best at regulating a baby’s emotions when he’s upset and needs soothing. By picking him up and helping him relax you are teaching him to self-sooth. Babies don’t learn that by feeling abandoned. Dads are best at exciting babies and toddlers and teaching them how to handle those emotions, how to play physically without hurting someone, how to be adventurous without doing something dangerous. Your husband may feel a bit useless right now, as the baby only needs you, but his time will come.

Your husband is an idiot who likes to think he knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t. He needs to accept that and take your lead as mother. He’ll come into his own as baby gets older. He sounds bloody pig headed though, so god knows if you’ll get that through to him.

Oh go away with this sanctimonious shite. A struggling new mum with an unhelpful (and possibly struggling) DH doesn't need to be told smugly how wonderful breastfeeding is. Read the room. Christ on a bike.

Babies don’t like sleeping alone. All this back and forth to another room to hold a crying baby. I don’t get it. Sleep with the baby and save yourself all this trouble

Small babies need physical contact to feel safe and learn how to soothe their distress. If you hear your baby crying like that again, never hesitate for fear of offending your husband. Your baby needs you now. Go and get him.

Think you need to buy more bottles.

Seems like he is unfairly turning this on I OP which is very unfair and insensitive.
You have every right to be upset
Take care of yourself.

Your 8-week baby needs you and your instincts, not their father who clearly has no understanding of child development. At this age they want you, your smell, and added to that your partner made poor choices that were bordering on cruel. Is this his attempt at some kind of sleep training? If so it’s way too early.

That I can't answer, I'm afraid - I'm sorry for you that you were on the receiving end of such unthoughtful and unnecessary behaviour. I wish you happiness, and hope things work out for the better. Take care of yourself too, you sound like a wonderful mother.

I'm not trying to defend his parenting - I was dad to several kids, and I was basically perfect in every way 😉😃- but to offer a possible explanation - he's probably stressed out to the max, doesn't know what to do or how to parent, and is trying to 'problem solve' - maybe in the only way he knows how. He hasn't yet realised that babies don'r follow logic, and that your problem solving needs to be a little more aware of the realities, and adapt to them.

its good that you brought it up again in the morning - you’re right to always put the needs of your baby first, and to advocate for them even if it means a difficult learning journey for your partner. Some things are not acceptable, you did right to intervene.

at 8 weeks baby should be in the room all the time with you - they sleep in same room, the nap in same room, for safety, for nurturing, for attachment. Baby getting sick and crying hysterically and dad not bothering to go to him is neglect. It’s a parenting choice all right but not one any decent parent is okay with.