To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

I did leave my tiny baby to have a shower/ toilet or make a sandwich quickly BUT I had the monitor with me and would have known if my baby was distressed. Huge difference to what he has done.

He is gaslighting you op. He’s left out the details, while telling friends and that is gaslighting you. You KNOW this is wrong, everyone here has told you. A baby crying for a few minutes while you are watching them on the monitor is completely different to leaving a baby crying without knowing what is going on the other side of the door. The baby is 8 WEEKS. You absolutely do not do that to a tiny baby. What if the baby choked and kept quiet, he would have left him even longer!!

I would make a list of what he has done and you speak to friends/ family and tell them. I’m sure the responses are going to be as horrified as you are.

I’ve read through all your posts and I’m so angry on your behalf. Tapping poor baby on the head? Leaving him alone and he didn’t know he was sick? Your baby could have choked and arsehole wouldn’t have known. This is an 8 week old !!
my dh treated me with so much care when we had our babies. Even if I was this overly anxious crazy new mom, he very very gently helped me see logic but also gave me alot of grace just to be ‘mom’. It’s not only different parenting styles that he has, it’s dangerous!! I would be staying put at your parents for a while till he proves himself that he can keep your baby safe.

I’d be fuming !

Completely unacceptable to leave an 8 week old baby crying alone for so long that they got sick. I’m angry on your behalf! Poor baby. 😢 I feel that he has done something grossly wrong here. What if baby choked on the sick ?

You are right about feeding upright but I'm sure you knew that already

Demanding?
It's an 8 week old baby.
This is so messed up and chilling to read.

Kindly meant OP, if you keep this from your GP and health visitor, you are colluding with him and knowingly putting that baby at possible risk.

His behaviour and attitude are not normal.
He is a risk to your baby.

And yet OP has managed to figure it out. Does the knowledge leak out of our tits or something?

How long do you want her to pander to her man child before he pulls himself together and starts parenting the actual child?

My DH, though a very long way from perfect, would never have done this in a million years. Cos he gave a fuck, had empathy for his child, and didn't assume that he knew it all and that everything he did was right.

OP's DH is STILL trying to justify. Using information aimed at desperate parents who have been awake for literally days or who have other hardships going on to excuse his lazy, uninformed behaviour. Using bloody websites to mansplain to OP, the parent who does actually know how to parent, why he was right. Pathetic.

“babies cry, it’s not an issue to leave them crying sometimes, some babies have colic and cry for hours”.

Yeah and it's been shown in studies that they are less distressed being held WHILE they cry for hours with colic than if they are just left by themselves.

8 weeks is too young for this. He thinks he knows what he's doing but he doesn't.

I have sympathy for people who leave babies to cry when they are at the end of their tether but not for that long and it doesn't sound like he was anyway.

It's not the fucking fifties. I would be furious. And the pat on the head thing wtf.

It seems like he doesn't have the instinct that tells him a baby needs to be protected, not to work to his convenience. I'm sorry he sucks at this OP.

Sounds like he’s focusing on the practical needs of the baby but not the emotional needs.

Perhaps he didn’t think to give baby a cuddle while waiting for the steriliser, or maybe he thought that would ‘’reinforce’ the crying ‘behaviour’.

Loads of men are emotionally illiterate, mostly because they have been trained to dismiss and ignore their own emotional needs. Did he grow up in a ‘strong man’ environment where feelings are weak and not to be encouraged?

@safetyfirst1 If this seems relevant, a simple parenting course should do the trick. Do it together. don’t present it as ‘you need to learn to do better’ but ‘we see things differently, I am open to the idea that I might also get it wrong sometimes or there may be a better way. Let’s go on some training together so we follow the same principles and don’t end up telling each other what to do and falling out’

I can see why you are struggling. It isn't just postpartum hormones, it's that your DH has now been identified by your maternal brain as a potential danger to your baby and so you're being triggered by all these things he is doing. I think if you have a difference of opinion on things it is largely ok to do things differently even if his way isn't optimal eg having baby in the bouncer more than you would. But when it is a safety issue like this was it is non-negotiable. You should definitely be very clear between the two of you that if either partner is worried about a safety issue (genuinely, not just intervening to be a dick) then you need to both accept that calmly and discuss.

I wonder if he could talk to a third party about how he's feeling and coping with parenting. This could be him feeling overwhelmed and angry with the baby I which case this needs addressing. Or it could be him being neglectful or petulant - in which case that also needs addressing, but by stern action.

To be honest, I wouldn’t leave a baby, or indeed child of any age, on their own, in the dark, crying.

8 weeks! You don’t leave an 8 week old on its own, in the dark, crying. He could have choked on his vomit. Not sure what you can do about your stupid husband, but just stick to your guns when it comes to your baby’s safety and wellbeing.

Your baby is only 8 weeks old, it is completely normal for them to want to eat every 2-3 hours, sometimes more frequently when going through a growth spurt or a developmental milestone that means they need more comfort. The fact that your DH does not understand normal newborn behaviour is a big concern. If he understood better then his frustrations would (hopefully) be greatly eased. Get the man into a parenting class or a book on parenting ASAP or he’s going to do your LO real physical and psychological harm. Promises that it won’t happen again are meaningless if he doesn’t expand his knowledge and change his own behaviour.

It's completely possible if your baby is demanding frequent feeds and vomitting that he/she has reflux and is in pain from heartburn.

So many red flags. So sorry for you but you need to do something. This is not a nice man or someone you can leave your baby with safely.

How do you have different approaches to responding to crying?! When your baby cries, you respond to them! Especially a newborn, ffs.

This is all so concerning and there is no way in hell I would leave him alone with my child if I were you.

Christ what the hell did I read?! Please don’t leave your DH with your child alone. He is borderline neglectful at best, at worst he’s a risk to your child.

So what if the baby was “just comfort seeking?” He didn’t give it comfort!

Your dh has a really, really, dysfunctional attitude towards making mistakes—lots of shame and aggressive rejection of anything you say or any information he didn’t know already. He is not going to work respectfully and joyfully as a team with you. He has just an enormous, wounded, touchy, ego that gets in the way. Two good books are Raising Life Long Learners” and “Raising the Optimistic Child”—these two books will help you both understand what he missed which is how to happily learn new things and joyfully make mistakes and keep trying.

OP, he knows well its wrong.
Speak to your GP and health visitor.
You are rightly nervous of him.
I wouldn't risk your baby with him again.
I'm so sorry,but I wouldn't.
Babies are so easily hurt.
I couldn't risk it.

From your updates he sounds a massive know it all and doesn’t like to be told there might be a different way of doing things to what he’s decided. Is it his personality to be so strong minded and unwilling to listen?
With a baby there are things that need to be done a certain way like safe sleeping, baby being in the same room, not too much time in containers, rear facing car seats… all of this stuff only requires a quick check to show it’s the latest guidance. You really shouldn’t have been finding scientific studies to ‘prove’ that this is the right way of doing things.

the fact he is requiring this of you at 8 week post partum is insane and quite cruel. You just want the best for your baby, and so should he.

could you speak to your midwife team and get some advice from them? I’m sure this isn’t the first time they’ve encountered men like this and they may be able to help. Also if it’s affecting your mental health you can get support.

It's a pity they can't bottle empathy because you certainly need to be fed some.