To think my DH’s approach to crying baby was completely wrong?

PROTECT YOUR BABY

@safetyfirst1Only just seeing your reply to me now. He sounds exactly like one of my exes…contrary for the sake of it. It will drive you mad trying to reason with someone like that, because they don’t care about logic or what’s best, or your wellbeing, only about their ego. Was he like this before your baby was born?
If it’s a new thing brought on by the stresses of parenthood it might be fixable but if it’s just who he is generally then it will only get worse as baby grows, the demands get more and you have to make more decisions. I can’t imagine trying to co parent with someone like this, it is as you say exhausting.

This is so fucked up. It’s honestly really distressing to read.

What is wrong with him?! Does he have no empathy? Does he have some sort of personality disorder? Has he not bonded with the baby at ALL? How could you possibly think leaving a tiny baby alone to cry for twenty bloody minutes is ok?! While the poor little thing is getting more and more upset to the point of vomiting? Just awful. To think he was just calmly ignoring that and fixing a coffee machine is chilling, honestly.

Not to mention the head “patting”, which would have absolutely been the last straw for me.

If you won’t leave him and report him, can you at least both attend some parenting classes together? To learn about why it’s so important to respond to your baby, about developing a secure attachment etc?

OP, he knows exactly what he is doing.
You feel like you are going mad from the stress of not wanting to upset him, be super sensitive to his needs, not be bossy, constantly explaining again and again stuff that he pretends not to know.

He knows well.
You are in a highly abusive relationship with a man that is tormenting and terrorising you.

You are so confused because you cannot understand why he would do this.

Laughing at you being upset at him potentially hurting his baby?

You are refusing to accept just how nasty, abusive and deliberate this all is.

Laughing at potentially hurting a new born is so fxcked up and psycho behaviour.

You are deliberately keeping this from family, and professionals because deep down you know that this isn't right.

He is a really bad man.
He is deliberately upsetting you, winding you up, upsetting you, at your most vulnerable.
You poor woman.

When you are finally prepared to accept this, call Women's aid for a chat and then go from there.

Tell your best friends and family.
Do not give up work.
Do not get pregnant again.
Protect yourself.
Read about Narcissistic behaviour.
Read about DARVO.
Read about The boiled frog.

Educate yourself.
Then protect yourself by seeking support.
I'm so sorry you are being put through this.

@safetyfirst1 Love, you're trying to explain your valid reasoning to him. And then you try to explain his 'point of view' or different way of thinking to us.

He KNOWS what he did,and why he did it. He KNOWS he shouldn't have, but he enjoys winding you up. That's the whole point. To wind you up.

My exh was exactly the same. I had to Google, explain and rationalise why a newborn needed a car seat! He said holding him was fine. Its fine. You're being a know-it-all..

It is so hard to believe they know what they're saying and doing, but its not innocent. Every other grown up understands these basic things. They do too. They just pretend not to.

Neglect rather than abuse, I suppose. Either puts the baby’s life in danger though.

Not with an 8 week old baby ffs!

The reason to log it with your GP and Health Visitor is to log the abuse of an 8 week old baby, not for him to be persuaded.

They undoubtedly would contact SS so you could be supported.

Unfortunately you are very vulnerable and are determined to bend yourself out of shape to excuse his abuse of the baby.

Poor mite.
At least tell you parents and close friends so yoi can be supported.

I must have misread this i thought it said 8 months at first
But god no, i didnt start controlled crying with mine until the 6 month mark

At that point that wasnt controlled crying from dh and just straightup neglect

Controlled crying is absolutely not okay for an 8 week old, that is universally accepted. The baby was likely not ‘poorly’ but vomited from crying so hard and for so long. It’s cruel, through and through.

Controlled crying is very good for the baby and helps them self soothe. I did it with all four of my children and I genuinely don't understand why people are so against it.

BUT...what I am against is doing it when you know your child is poorly. Sounds like DH didnt want to deal with the sick.
Thank god your lad didnt choke on his own vomit

@safetyfirst1 You are tying youeself into knots trying to rationalise his behaviour to yourself and others, and trying to make him,Dh, see sense.

This is gaslighting. And gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse.
I see you are not going to walk out on him. You have given birth 8 weeks ago and you and your baby are both vulnerable. You are not emotionally or physically ready to consider leaving. And that's ok.

Just remember this thread and the advice given here, so that when these issues arise again, you understand what you're dealing with.
Having to explain and explain basic safety issues is not a parenting or gender difference. Having to censor topics of discussion or edit your feelings for the fear of escalation is not normal. Needing to prove your points by Googling them is not normal.

I'm really not defending him or excusing him at all 😀. Men like him give the rest of us a bad name.

If he has spoken to people then he shouldn't have any difficulty with you checking out with the GP and Health Visitor what he did?

If he does he knows its wrong.
If you don't, its because you know too and you know well how it will be viewed.

Ask yourself why you would protect him ahead of an 8 week old baby that he has abused?

I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.
He is determined to defend and argue the point of abusing an 8 week old child.

That screams narcissistic disorder to me.

Honestly OP I am outraged reading this. This is not a parenting style clash.
I honestly have no advice but unfortunately this is all too common. If he truly thought he did nothing wrong he wouldn’t have left out any details when speaking to others.

Honestly I think this is your maternal instincts kicking in here. With my first I was also ‘bossy ‘ and ‘controlling’ according to my ex. I never regained trust in ex. I can’t say anything to ex about parenting as it triggers a rage and makes him double down and repeat the behaviour to show me he is right.

Give you baby extra hugs today xx

It's not a difference of opinion when one person is making dangerous and inappropriate decisions around a small baby. So no, he isn't allowed to believe it's ok to leave a crying distressed 8 week old baby alone in the dark, in an attempt to make the baby "self-soothe" which is not possible or appropriate at this age.

So first you talked and ‘he’s promised he will never do it again’.
Then ‘he started showing me articles of websites saying it’s ok to walk away from a crying baby’.
Also ‘he still sticks by he wouldn’t have stopped the dishwasher early but he should have got travel bottles’.
and the last ‘He also said he mentioned it to two or three people and they all agreed a baby crying isn’t a big issue’
And now you are never to mention it again!
With every update he just doubles down that he did nothing wrong. This is ridiculous. Why is he promising not to do it again if he did nothing wrong? That makes no sense. Why can the dishwasher not be stopped? Come on, what’s the answer? He has none that’s the problem. It was to punish you for not washing the bottles through making your son pay the price.
It all reads to me that the only important thing for your husband is that he is never questioned and always proved to be in the right. No matter what.
I stick by my previous statement that I am convinced he is unfit to take care of your son alone safely. I believe based on what you have said that he would mistreat or put you son in danger if it were required in order to be proved right or to punish you for a perceived slight.
If you have somewhere to go I would leave for a few weeks with baby to gain some much needed perspective. He is being absolutely unreasonable and currently you are too close to it to see it fully. Is being proved right and being in control more important to him than his son’s needs and his relationship with the mother of his child? I suspect it is unfortunately.

The issue is not with the specifics of the poor decisions he has made, but with how he is so brittle and controlling about discussing them and making changes/improvements. He isn't being a partner to you, he wants you to shut up and do as he says. Even when he is clearly wrong and you are clearly and consistently right, and it's about safety and appropriate ways to look after a tiny baby.

8 week old babies sometimes want feeding often, even if it's only been an hour or two since the last feed. I bet even your DH sometimes wants a drink within 2 hours of having had some food! It's not a problem to offer a feed to see if that's what the issue is.

I couldn't be doing with his whole attitude to you, the baby, the relationship. And I wouldn't trust him to make appropriate decisions with the baby from now on, regardless of what your relationship status is. I would talk to your HV about all of this.