To think it’s not ok for Dh to nip out to the shop

I don't understand why he didn't pick cigarettes up on his way back home in the first place

What pool, though? Is it safe??

edited to add: I’m with you, OP.

If only there was an answer to this conundrum………

Unless the DH has no fingers, he can do that himself, surely? OP isn’t his secretary.

He asked for change to buy fags? Surely he should have been asking for a small bank loan? (They're so expensive!!)

Yes the OP herself could die while she is at home waiting for her daughter too. Or what if they were together and OP was looking after her daughter and then had a brain aneurism - what would her daughter do then?

What is your point?

Why does it seem some people want to insist the OP isn’t looking after her DD because DD’s playing at her neighbour’s house?

As a fully grown adult, I'd struggle with walking into a house to find a dead body.

I can't believe I'm actually asking this but, do you teach your kids what to do if they come across a dead body??

Just out of interest for anyone else, have you taught your children what to do in this situation? I definitely haven't told mine what to do if they find their dad dead in a chair.

So weird.

Because it’s often the grandma supervising and just drops her at the gate and goes

So, you don't know where she is at all moments then?

This posts sound alike you wanted to go to your husband and say MN agrees with me that you should be able to wait two hours for a cigarette and not stop to look at the waves when you go to the shop, when actually, everyone has said, 'sort out the piss poor communication in your house when it comes to your child's safety'.

What a drama!!

This whole thing could have been averted with a bit of simple communication 😂.

Hopefully everyone has got everyone else's number and this will never happen again as people will text to let them know what the hell is going on.

I wouldn't be sending a child this age home on their own without a text saying, 'they're coming now-are you in?' and I wouldn't relax until they'd replied 'yes' and also told me she'd got safely home. I'm v relaxed but your way of working leaves so much margin for missing children that it needs to be changed.

I suppose I just know that he’s not that responsible

Yet, you married and had a baby with him?

He n eds to get her number and message when he goes and when he's back.

But you’ve repeatedly said that she comes home at random times so you have to be there just in case and the other family are lax - but if as you are now saying the grandma walks her home then the grandma will notice if no one answers the door surely and wouldn’t just leave your daughter at your doorstep to fend for herself? So there isn’t a problem here at all then is there..

What this comes down to is something we see on thread, after thread, after thread..... Women are reliable; men are not. Women put children first (all children - not just their own!); men do not.

T'was ever thus.

Sounds like the 7 year old rules the roost…..

She just pops in and out as she pleases whilst either you or your husband have to stay in and have your time dictated by her actions.

1. Make sure your husband has their number.

2. Stop all the “popping in and popping out” - they are either at your house or her friends house, and that where they stay until a designated time.

Eww YANBU

YANBU. We have this set up with our neighbours and I always let the other parents know if I’m popping out. If DH is in charge he knows to do the same and he has their number. I do sometimes need to remind him to communicate with the other parents clearly as he can be a bit absent minded and there have been occasional mishaps but our kids know what to do if this happens (go back to the neighbours’ house and ask them to contact us to find out where we are, or if the neighbours left in the meantime, let themselves inside, watch tv and don’t try to cook anything or do anything risky and don’t worry, we are on our way).

Your DH sounds like he is being deliberately useless so he can get out of the ‘communicating with the other parents’ labour. But he needs to know that it’s neglectful and he is potentially endangering your child if she ends up alone at home not knowing where her adults are. That’s very scary for a 7 year old. It’s also illegal. Try to impress this on him. He probably just hasn’t realised what it really means to be responsible for a minor in the way that you have because you do most of the childcare. But he needs to bloody well get with it because he’s her dad and if anything happened to her he is at fault and it’s a tragedy that no one would ever recover from. Good luck OP, I’m sorry you have to put up with this crap from him but hopefully a bit of clear communication, giving him the tools to take responsibility (the neighbours’ phone number and a reminder about your daughter’s vulnerability and his legal role as the parent in charge) and he will step up.

@Moonnstars if there is open communication it can work much better than formal play dates though. Local kids go home to eat and sometimes to use the toilet so when they are about the house it's easy get jobs done, you're not hosting as such. I work term time only and we had this type of arrangement and it was very easy. When playing out front you just keep an eye out, then when they are moving you walk with them or let them off depending on age, and msg other parent to say they are gone to the next house/green/ tree etc. Drop offs for other kids or trips to the shop are easily done, just a quick msg or knock on the door. It benefits everyone but 100% depends on constant open communication between all parents.

He needs to have all numbers for DDs pals and send messages. It's not a big deal. I used to do it all the time and other parents would do the same, you just tell the kids not to go home for 30 mins or whatever. I agree he shouldn't do it without checking. Or at worst he could leave a note for her to say he was gone out so she wouldn't be upset coming home to an empty house

I think DH can make reasonable judgments on popping to the shop and you didn’t need to stay back.

you are DDs mum not his it was a bit heavy handed.

You could’ve spoken about it afterward and made sure he had neighbours number. But I assume if he’s home alone he’s not going to take e the piss and be gone for an extra long amount of time as he knows he had to be home for DD

A normal adult would be perfectly able to nip out to the shop and have the initiative to text the other parent to let them know without involving you. This is a weird thing for two parents to need to discuss or argue over.

It sounds like you have some deeper frustrations going on with your relationship and him not really being capable of parenting on his own.

Have the two of you considered communicating with your DD friends mum? Surely there doesn’t need to be a huge drama about things like this………just explain to the woman ‘popping to the shop, can you keep xxxx at yours until I’m back home?’ She might actually need a similar favour someday.
Do stop bickering with one another, grow up and communicate!

did he ask for the number, or does the op have to carefully hold his hand and step him through basic parenting?

This is where these kind of playdates are really inconvenient as they don't benefit anyone. It sounds like both houses have to be on alert for children popping back at any time, meaning no one can use the time to get things done.

I don't agree with your husband wanting to go to the shops to buy cigarettes, but I don't think he is wrong in wanting to use the time DD is supposedly at a playdate to do something else.

I would want to have a more formal arrangement of the neighbours child being at mine til a certain time and no back and forth, and vice versa knowing the next time my DD would be at their house until a certain time. This flexible arrangement only works in you have people at home sat around with nothing to do. I would be even annoyed at just starting to do a household job (making a meal, getting the iron out) to then have to stop as they want to go to the other house briefly.