Starting to hate being a mother

If your idea of fun is sitting on the floor in a dark room, night after night, then I think you need professional help.

@CharlotteLightandDark not what I chose but it still isn’t “draining” is it? It’s just sitting?!

Maybe not everyone wants to spend their evening sleeping on a floor though 🙄 maybe they want to watch some adult telly or a film, and get to relax finally.
great that you enjoyed the never ending bedtimes but i expect you’re a minority!

Why is sitting with her until she falls asleep draining? It’s a nice sit down in a dark and quiet room. My husband and I used to regularly find each other sound asleep on the floor. Stick headphones in and listen to a podcast or something.

OP I could have written your original post - in exactly the same position with 5 year old DS and feel very much the same. This update I have quoted also really resonates with me.

i spoke to health visitor recently at the end of my tether and we are going to try something called the moving chair technique?

No other advice - but you are not alone ❤️

Really great advice from PPs about how to start her going to sleep alone. Could also get her a new toy to cuddle and say she has that instead of you now. Also tell her you will pop back to check on her - start by doing it after 5 minutes but after a week or so it can be after 40 minutes and she will be asleep so no need to keep popping back. Also I see you say she is used to sleeping with no noise but you could say that some big girls like to listen to stories at night, and see if she would like to try it - it may feel like an exciting novelty.

I think you need some you time, this will really help.

I was like this and my mum did a star chart, so a star every night I went to bed and I got a present at the end of the week for a full week. She bought the crafts for us to sit and make it together so I really took pride in it, worked so well and I still remember it fondly now!

Oh and there's a subred "regretful parents" on reddit, you could join it to vent in a non-judgemental environment.

I'm sorry you are struggling. If you think you would rather split with your partner so he has her half the time, it sounds like he could be doing more of the childcare currently?? You might benefit from having a couple of evenings that are his days to do bedtime, and if you go out or take a bath or whatever it is so that you get a break. Absolutely no judgement from me on the sitting with her while she falls asleep, because I have done the same with all of my children. At 5, She can completely understand that you will be back and she is safe with Dad even if her preference is for you. You need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of her.

What a helpful and supportive comment, I hope you never find yourself in a situation where you are struggling and looking for advice and someone says something so judgemental.

A surprising amount of parents regret or have periods of regretting having children, there is a lack of honesty at how difficult it really is. How are you supposed to embrace a situation where you have to neglect your own wants needs and happiness for someone else when you are feeling low already and going through a difficult time?

Young children are demanding and a lot of people overestimate how rewarding having kids is, they see the good sides of parenting but it’s quite rare people are open and honest about how much of your life you have to sacrifice.

OP clearly loves her daughter, she wouldn’t be posting if she didn’t and she wouldn’t be as drained by it all if she simply didn’t care. You can love your kids but still hate parenting, it’s too late once you’ve had your child to realise how much you’ll struggle.

Your comment was unnecessary and you are just making someone going through a difficult time feel worse, is that what you wanted to achieve?
OP was brave to post what she did and deserves some actual advice, helpful suggestions or support, I would expect most women to have empathy as a lot of parents will have had similar struggles.

I don’t have children, one of the main reasons is because I knew I’d find it difficult as I’m neurodivergent.
I have a lot of friends with kids and nieces and nephews, I asked everyone to be as honest with me as possible about parenthood.
Because they knew it wasn’t something I was just a bit unsure about and was looking for absolute honesty most people advised me not to have kids and were very open about how hard they had found it and although they loved their kids there were times they would have given them back if they could! For most people these stages passed and they found it easier as their kids got older. Unfortunately my own sister admitted she regretted having kids and although she has loved them, cared for them and they will likely never know this, her opinion hasn’t changed even though they are nearly adults. She believes her life would have been so much better if she had stayed childfree.
I think a lot of this is because she was very young when she had them and sacrificed her youth and although she had a huge amount of support that made it more difficult because she enjoyed the time she had without them more than being with them.

OP wasn’t whining, she sounds worn out and at the end of her tether, it’s not surprising if she isn’t even getting time to herself in the evenings.

I suggest you don’t comment if you are just going to be judgemental, people post on this site with PND and a comment like you made could stop someone seeking support when needed and feel worse about themselves.

When I feel like this I always think of the putting your oxygen mask on first saying. You can't pour from an empty cup. Do you have a way of getting a break at all?

My DD6 I used to have to sit with. Now we will do stories, put her yoto on and ill give her 2 minutes to get cosy and snuggly and then I'll leave. DS4 is a bit harder but a work in progress. We sit with him and hold his hand. When he is then dozy and sleepy we will leave telling him that we will be back in ten minutes as we have washing to put away / load the dishwasher etc. We generally go and check on him after ten but he's usually asleep by then. We will eventually get there like his big sister but some children just take a bit longer.

Don't get me wrong, my relationship was shit before we split up but having the time to myself was a big bonus... I'm with you. Motherhood is overrated.

Some children are easier than other that’s just a fact. Some have a chilled out and easy going disposition and others don’t and are more demanding because of it. You’re being honest and that’s ok. I think it will get easier about 7 so try to remember they it will end soon - easier said than done though.

Could DH put her to bed 2/3 night per week to give you a rest?

Don’t assume that splitting will mean 50/50. I have been a single parent since youngest was 4 and ex-h has done very little apart from make life harder. The biggest change you could make is be tougher on her with regards to bedtime. She is perfectly capable of falling asleep by herself, she just has to learn to do it. My DD was the same but I sleep trained at 12 months old (I know lots don’t agree with that). Yes she cried for a while for a few nights but she learnt, isn’t suffering from any trauma many years on and I kept my sanity. Don’t project your feelings about your own childhood onto the situation, the fact you care is evidence you are good enough, shit parents don’t care that they are shit.

It is just totally and utterly exhausting, and doing the same thing over and over again day after day is just soul destroying. Add in if you are a single parent and it can tip you over. The problem is no one tells you what it is like, and even if they did tell you, you still couldnt really imagine how hard it is. The population would die out pretty quickly if we did know. i keep saying to my mum why didnt you tell me what its like! i remember one time i couldnt lift a fork to my mouth through the exhaustion of it all.

It is a scam, that made me laugh :-). Keep going though and try to see the little moments of joy that they bring and try and scrap a little time for yourself each day. Get good sleep.

This is so sad to read. You sound unhappy and burned out. You clearly need to sort out a bedtime routine that works for everyone and to get some time to be you, not just ‘Mum’.

I think it sounds like op isn’t winning here. And particularly with bedtime. It’s not very helpful to just say stop regretting, because that is exactly what the op is saying she is doing?

I bought really cool presents for my DC, when they were 5 and 6, and said that now that they were big boys and would go to sleep on their own, they deserved nice presents. We had a celebration, and I made sure that they woke up a little earlier and went to bed a little later, and were active in between. Independence did not start overnight, but things became easier.
I was drained and depressed and looking back 20 years later I realise that I needed to learn "health and safety " techniques to learn to rest on the way.
I became a lot more relaxed with my younger DC.
I lost my eldest DS a few years ago and miss him a lot. At 13, he became a great friend and soul mate. The dynamics changed. It was not just me teaching him, he taught me a lot of things, and I still have his list of books on Goodreads that I am going to read, and music recommendations on his blog that I often read.
My youngest will be 11, and I enjoy our bedtime reading because it's no longer a chore, it's a treat because we read the books that I choose and I love. His taste matter, too, but he is free to read whatever he wants during the day. At bedtime, he agrees to read together the books of my choice, and he likes most of them. If I want time for myself in the evening, I just say, no reading tonight, but feel free to read yourself.
When you are stuck in the moment, you think it'll never end, but it does. My second once very clingy DS is 25, lives far away and sends me a meme per day.

Have You spoken to your partner about splitting up and sharing custody?

Because the thing is if he doesn’t want her 50% of the time you might find yourself worse off… sorry OP.

Also time to get your tubes tied.

I love the idea of splitting so I'd get every other weekend to myself.

I love my DC but they all have special needs and I have ASD, I still don't quite belive that most mothers enjoy that constant need, need, need.

Anyway, been there, felt that. I operated on a sense of duty when they were young. Dh was better than most but I realised it wasn't 50% and he stepped up, I still had to do most of the emotional but he did all of the physical and we had equal free time.

So, it will get better as she gets older, I promise. Figure out what has to change and do it - sounds like it might be bedtime. Make sure you and dh have equal free time - not just child free but chore free. You getting to do the shopping whilst he has dd then him playing golf whilst you have dd is not equal.

I wish you strength.

I know I don’t love motherhood. You don’t have to love being a mother to love your children. It sounds like things are relentless for you right now. It will change and things will move on. I never felt like I enjoyed being a mother, nor was a ‘good’ mum, until mine were a bit older. It’s hard to be needed all the time. There will be a stage of motherhood which you will enjoy.

I do wonder if I had the choice again would I have children and it’s a very difficult question to answer. Live is easier without children, but I think the world is a better place with them in it, and I’m glad I’ve given them the opportunity to experience life. It’s hard to cast your gaze upwards when in the hard bits, but your sacrifice will be worth it.

I used to wish I could accidentally break several bones just so I could stay in hospital for a bit. DS2 refused to sleep and then when he finally started to get the hang of it, developed night terrors! Several nights a week, just as I drifted off to sleep, I'd be wrenched awake again by his screaming. I was permanently on edge waiting for it to happen. For 6 years 😭. Miserable, miserable times.

You have my sympathy OP.

My favourite saying is that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Yes she needs you but you are running on empty. Why not talk to your other half about a couple of nights away alone by yourself so you can recharge and think about some strategies that you could try as a family?