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AIBU?

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Original poster

To just be pissed off with DH for approaching sex in this way

60 replies

Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 17:30

I don’t know if I’m giving him a short shrift, or if I’m right to be pissed off. We’ve been together 12 years, have a 3yo DD and currently going to fortnightly marriage counselling as we’ve been through a lot.

Sex has been on the back burner for a long time.. I think the last time was December, and we haven’t spoken about it since aside from saying in counselling we both want it, we’ve just lost our way. We agreed to go on a date night etc and slowly see where it goes.

Anyway today he was off. I’m WFH. I’m going through a lot at the moment, at risk of redundancy, my heads just a bit all over the place. He’s obviously in the mood, grabbing my bum as he walks past etc which he hasn’t done in a really long time.

I came down for a cup of tea midafternoon, and he says ‘let’s have a quickie’. I said I’m really not in the mood, and I’m upset that’s how you approach it after this long of not even speaking about it. He then follows up with ‘well just flash me then’. I’m really upset. Ffs. I didn’t, I just said I was going back up to the office. I just thought we were slowly rebuilding things, and now I feel like he’s not taking it seriously. I will speak to him later obviously, just needed to rant.

YABU - you’re being hormonal and a bit shitty
YANBU - that was a bit grim

OP posts:
Goingncforthisone · 05/06/2025 17:43

Yes it was a clumsy attempt to initiate something, but sounds like you're both in an awkward place with it now, as it's gone so long.

GreyCarpet · 05/06/2025 17:42

It sounds like it's something you both want but neither of you really knows how to go about it.

We will sit down and have a conversation later, as our therapist is so keen on communication.

This makes it sound like you disagree?

MissDoubleU · 05/06/2025 17:42

If he can’t even kiss you.. I mean. It’s not fucking rocket science is it?? It shouldn’t be this hard. He isn’t even trying.

Do youmthink he’s using porn? This happens a lot, men use porn and get instant satisfaction and can’t be bothered with the whole ordeal of sex. The fact he wants just a quickie or a flash is a bit of a red flag for these things

SoScarletItWas · 05/06/2025 17:40

Yes he’s crude and too 0-60 for that approach to work, but you’ve agreed you want more sex.

How about instead of speaking to him later, why don’t you follow up on his cues tonight, whether that looks like flirting or cuddling in bed, and try and get in the mood? Apparently women are more likely to have ‘responsive desire’ whereas he was doing a typical male ‘spontaneous desire’ thing.

He was crude. But he’s tried to ‘break the dearth’. Give it a try tonight.

Then when the pressure is off and the crudeness has passed, you can bring up how you WANT him to signal in future.

(I don’t know the answer to that, btw, as my DH can get a bit schoolboy FNAR FNAR OH LOOK TITS and I haven’t found a way to tell him that really doesn’t do it for me…)

Original poster
Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 17:39

Yes, maybe it’s just thrown me and made me feel like we’re on completely different wavelengths again.

We will sit down and have a conversation later, as our therapist is so keen on communication. But I also appreciate I’m in a bit of a crap place and was maybe a bit harsh - I definitely rejected quickly. I was just so thrown.

I just think.. we haven’t even kissed properly in months and you go straight to flashing?!

OP posts:
Disco2022 · 05/06/2025 17:37

Made worse sorry!

Disco2022 · 05/06/2025 17:37

It could be that he's gross or maybe it was just a bad attempt at humour, made worse by the flashing comment which might have been an attempt at humerously deflecting the rejection. Is it typical of him?
When it's been that long it's such a balance between scheduling in a session and just getting over the hurdle of actually doing it (if you both want to) and trying to keep it spontaneous. But whenever I've been that long without sex I never think I am really in the mood because I kind of forget what being in the mood felt like. (Iyswim)

Original poster
Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 17:34

That’s it @Foxworth except we’ve had 6 months of seeing me as anything but. I’m just pissed off with the whole situation.

OP posts:
JacquesHarlow · 05/06/2025 17:34

I mean it is by most people's standards a bit grim.

However -

Have you made it clear to him what would make you feel more 'right' for this?

Or is it really the case that the "been through a lot" is still at the forefront of your mind, therefore it is a long way to go before sex is on the cards again?

Foxworth · 05/06/2025 17:32

Sounds like he sees you as a sexual object rather than a human. He’d have done better if he’d made you lunch and chatted to you than groping you. Sounds gross.