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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just be pissed off with DH for approaching sex in this way

60 replies

Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 17:30

I don’t know if I’m giving him a short shrift, or if I’m right to be pissed off. We’ve been together 12 years, have a 3yo DD and currently going to fortnightly marriage counselling as we’ve been through a lot.

Sex has been on the back burner for a long time.. I think the last time was December, and we haven’t spoken about it since aside from saying in counselling we both want it, we’ve just lost our way. We agreed to go on a date night etc and slowly see where it goes.

Anyway today he was off. I’m WFH. I’m going through a lot at the moment, at risk of redundancy, my heads just a bit all over the place. He’s obviously in the mood, grabbing my bum as he walks past etc which he hasn’t done in a really long time.

I came down for a cup of tea midafternoon, and he says ‘let’s have a quickie’. I said I’m really not in the mood, and I’m upset that’s how you approach it after this long of not even speaking about it. He then follows up with ‘well just flash me then’. I’m really upset. Ffs. I didn’t, I just said I was going back up to the office. I just thought we were slowly rebuilding things, and now I feel like he’s not taking it seriously. I will speak to him later obviously, just needed to rant.

YABU - you’re being hormonal and a bit shitty
YANBU - that was a bit grim

OP posts:

Cheffymcchef · 05/06/2025 19:35

yANBU, me and my bf have a healthyish sex life and I would not be impressed asking for a quickie or for me to flash him. Yer husband has been watching far too much porn. Which is understandable if he’s not had sex in so long,

Original poster

Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 19:33

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the balanced views. I gave him a cuddle and a kiss and said it just took me by surprise, but that I appreciate that he made a move and I want to try again, just maybe less of a flashing situation 😂 so will see where the next week takes us - and maybe I need to step up to the plate and try next time.

Really appreciate it x

OP posts:

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 05/06/2025 19:28

If only they realised if they just looked longingly and gave us a snog they’d get so much more.

Tina294 · 05/06/2025 19:27

I think if this is the sort of thing he used to say and you were up for it then he's just doing what he knows and there's no reason to be pissed off.

I think you're at the point where you're over thinking everything and you just need to get it over with and get things back on track.

Put the redundancy aside for one night and seduce him the way you'd like to be seduced.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 05/06/2025 19:20

Ponderingwindow · 05/06/2025 17:45

You both agree that your sex life isn’t working. He tried something. Was it perfect? Absolutely not. But he tried something.

if you can take a minute to acknowledge to him that you appreciate the effort, even though it didn’t really work for you, it will go a long way to improving your communication.

You both need to be able to try new ways of tackling this issue and some of them are going to fail. If the other person treats the attempts harshly, there is no hope.

I think this is well put.

Its hard to know what to do when it’s been so long. If he made a proper night of it, you then might feel too pressured 🤷‍♀️

Clumsy - yes, but thoughtless I don’t think so.

Mama1980 · 05/06/2025 19:13

On the face of it that is really grim but given the context it sounds like he was trying, juts clumsily and misread the situation. Maybe he though a ‘tear the bad aid off’ approach with a quickie might help. Obviously he got it wrong but he tried.
maybe instead of a chat kiss him this evening, explains you were caught unawares and panicked….then gently guide him as to how to approach you more suitably.

Endofyear · 05/06/2025 19:06

He made a move and unfortunately got it wrong, but at least he tried. Have a chat when he gets home and make a plan together that gets you back into a more intimate place - maybe a nice dinner together, glass of wine, curl up together and watch a romcom, have a cuddle. It doesn't have to lead to sex but it's getting you feeling close again. Remind him that holding your hand, giving you a kiss and a cuddle, bringing you a cup of tea, are all things that make you feel loved and cherished. Do these things for him too ☺️

Init4thecatz · 05/06/2025 19:00

So it's been ages, he asked, you said no.

Yeah, I get there's always a 'right time', and you need to get in the mood, but he shot his shot and you rejected him.

I wouldn't be surprised if he withdrew and expects you to make the first move now.

Mt563 · 05/06/2025 18:57

I'd love this. It's funny and han fisted but at least he's trying. Don't think my DH even remembers what sex is or finds me at all attractive.

LittleSoo · 05/06/2025 18:51

I think I would approach it like ripping off a plaster, go for the quickie and get that first time out of the way, it might get you both wanting more. I think the more it's dragging on, the more pressure there is and then does it have to be perfect etc.

This is just the approach I think would work for me to get over that initial hurdle of 'its been a while and don't know what to do anymore'.

Sherararara · 05/06/2025 18:50

Well at least he’s trying…

Original poster

Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 18:43

Thanks everyone, I am maybe being a little unfair as he has really tried since we started counselling - well, we both have. I think that’s why it took me by surprise today, it was so left field. In the past we were playful, but maybe he’s just assumed we could go straight back there and completely misread the room.

Counselling has been really good for us in lots of ways it’s just this last hurdle separating us from being a married couple and friends, essentially. I do realise I can’t just sit and wait hoping it’s going to fix itself though.

OP posts:

Todayisaday · 05/06/2025 18:32

Well that kind of talk is fine if you are in a good place and you are both messing about. But it seems innapropriate in your circumstances, like bring the romance back first and connect properly. That kind of banter is for couples completely happy in their sexuality as a couple and are messing about.

S0j0urn4r · 05/06/2025 18:27

Following the counselling could it be his really shit attempt at trying to get things going?

ohyesido · 05/06/2025 18:25

“Give us a flash” indeed what does he think you are a stripper? Give him short shrift or a lap dance

ohyesido · 05/06/2025 18:23

I’m sorry but that made me laugh a bit. Why don’t you seduce him instead, take the spotlight off his ham fisted approach and show him what you want?

gannett · 05/06/2025 18:18

How did he use to approach sex? Back when you both wanted to have it? Maybe that's a good starting point to go back to.

Also it strikes me that his attempt to initiate got worse and worse. Physical touch is, I think, an acceptable way to initiate. "Fancy a quickie" is not romantic but if you're both in a good place it can be funny and do the job. The flashing line... urgh. I can't work out whether he was trying to salvage it or sabotage it.

senua · 05/06/2025 18:15

Ponderingwindow · 05/06/2025 17:45

You both agree that your sex life isn’t working. He tried something. Was it perfect? Absolutely not. But he tried something.

if you can take a minute to acknowledge to him that you appreciate the effort, even though it didn’t really work for you, it will go a long way to improving your communication.

You both need to be able to try new ways of tackling this issue and some of them are going to fail. If the other person treats the attempts harshly, there is no hope.

I agree with this.

We will sit down and have a conversation later
This sounds like hard work. Can't you raise it quickly whilst making dinner or doing some other task - a grown up version of talking to teenagers in the car (no eye contact, no pressure but no escape)
Raise the subject without being too heavy. Baby steps and all that.

Original poster

Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 18:02

I’ll be honest.. I haven’t made any moves yet. Bar one sort of heated kiss on holiday a few weeks ago after a few cocktails, that didn’t lead anywhere because DD was asleep in our room.

I don’t even know how to anymore. MIL has offered to have DD overnight, which we will take her up on but then it’s like the bloody pressure. I hate that we’ve let it go on this long and now it’s a thing.

It takes two to tango.. but we’re making a bit of a hash of it

OP posts:

Dweetfidilove · 05/06/2025 17:59

Sounds like a shabby attempt from him.

What have your tactics been towards getting back to sex?

I can't imagine more talking is that 'sexy '.

proximalhumerous · 05/06/2025 17:56

I would be equally unimpressed that after six months his best suggestion is a very male-orientated approach which is unlikely to provide either intimacy or sexual satisfaction for the woman. He may as well have a wank.

Original poster

Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 17:52

Thanks everyone, I do see it was an attempt, a clumsy one. Honestly I panicked, we haven’t been that way in so long it feels so unnatural, but I realise in order to get to a better place we have to get back on the horse, so to speak. Although I will be saying I need a bit more romancing than.. that.

Our intimacy has been improving, slowly. We cuddle more, talk more. It just really caught me off guard today after such a long dry spell.

I really appreciate all of your comments and insight. I definitely want to get back to the place we were, it just feels a lifetime away at the moment.

OP posts:

Meadowfinch · 05/06/2025 17:50

Well, he's certainly not a class act, is he !! Has he forgotten how to help you relax? As @MissDoubleU says, it's not rocket science.

Does he ever bring you a post-5.30 glass of wine or offer to run you a bath? He might get further...

Superscientist · 05/06/2025 17:47

I went through redundancy in Feb and definitely didn't have the headspace for sex then. I was just too preoccupied to relax into the moment that was without intimacy issues.

We went through a long dry patch after having my daughter, a difficult pregnancy followed by pnd. It was a lean 2-3 years and it did take time to get back into the swing of things and on the same page but that kind of proposition wouldn't have helped! Especially the flash me comment, it just adds to the idea that intimacy is about him and not you as a couple.
What did help us through that patch was day time intimacy on days we were both working from home but by that I mean gentle touching, cuddles, kissing and making time to have lunch together. The feel of another person's touch made more of a difference and it helped whilst I was going through my pnd and redundancy too.

I think he probably got the message today about what you don't want but maybe next time rather than a flat no you could counter with could you hold me/cuddle me/ and so on. When we did start to get more intimate it usually started along those lines on days when it felt right to move further

Ponderingwindow · 05/06/2025 17:45

You both agree that your sex life isn’t working. He tried something. Was it perfect? Absolutely not. But he tried something.

if you can take a minute to acknowledge to him that you appreciate the effort, even though it didn’t really work for you, it will go a long way to improving your communication.

You both need to be able to try new ways of tackling this issue and some of them are going to fail. If the other person treats the attempts harshly, there is no hope.

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