Family dinners with ex husband and children

I think it’s a nice idea OP , it’s really nice for the kids ..
Sure see how you go with it , that’s all you can do 🤷🏻‍♀️..
No point looking too far ahead , thinking what if I meet someone, what if he meets someone ….

I think a mutual setting

If your ex does start to date then the family (which you no longer are) nights stop it could cause more issues later on down the line.

I don’t think you can fully stop being “family” when you have kids, you’re both linked to them permanently and hopefully put their needs first. There’s no one else in the world that feels the way I do about my kids other than their dad - we’ll always have that in common and will always be linked to each other through them, new partners or not.

When I was growing up I had a friend whose mum was a divorcee who remarried. She had two older half siblings. Her Dad was good friends with the ex-husband / stepdad. They went to the pub together. It’s hugely helpful for children whose parents have separated if there is a pleasant relationship and no stress.

It is a nice idea. Don't make it too frequent so it will be easy to stop. IME it works until the divorce gets nasty or one starts dating.

It's a nice thing to do if you're able to do it. I'd go so far as to say it's the right thing to do if you're able to do it. Children didn't choose to have their families split in half and it's nice having their family whole sometimes, especially for important occasions.. But that depends entirely on the dynamic and if you can do so in a healthy way. If you're fighting or a partner is abusive it's not the right thing obviously!

My ex and I do this. Our split was nasty, but we managed to move on and co parent our two so well. I do think those meals helped us build a healthier co-parenting relationship, and it's wonderful for our kids to enjoy us both together. When the meal is over, he will hang around for a drink and chat, giving us the chance to talk about anything practical. All you can do is try, and it's really worth trying. We do this once a month, and/or special occasions, or if something has cropped up that we need to talk about.

If it’s for the kids benefit I personally wouldn’t bother, they are old enough to understand. You’re separating so they will learn mum and dad now have separate lives.
If your ex does start to date then the family (which you no longer are) nights stop it could cause more issues later on down the line.
Have the kids said family dinner is something they want?

This is weird. Why would they feel that unless there was abuse or you are sobbing constantly about how much you want him back and he refuses or if you're being left with no money becuase he's swanned off and refused to give you or share or similar?

I mean, none of us will have anything to do with exBIL becuase of his abuse of SIL and his behaviour towards the rest of us.

But if the break up is relatively amicable then I don't see the issue.

And this is exactly why it’s a bad idea @LightB - it gives such scope for a lack of boundaries and false hope.

Dh and I have been together 20 years. When we first got together they were just separated and he'd go round for dinner at hers with the kids sometimes. Over the years as the kids grew up we have her round for dinner with or without the kids about once a week, we've all been away on long weekends together. When one of their grown up kids was seriously ill they had to go and stay near him together in a hospital flat and later in an Air B and B for several months - off an on.

They are friends, I'm friends with her. It's much easier for the kids. There's no vexing questions about graduations or weddings etc and who is on top table etc.

I'm not sure if all this would have happened if she'd got together with someone else permanently.

I know other people who are friends with their exes - going round for tea/on holiday together friends.

But - big BUT - they took it fairly slowly at the beginning and it wasn't all plain sailing. It's taken some years in most cases. And very patient new partners!

I separated over 4 years ago and we did this initially. However as time has gone on our relationship has soured and frankly I wouldn’t do this anymore. We are amicable in front of the kids but i tolerate him in my house once a week so he can spend time with them here. Thats more than enough

I think it's a bad idea. It reinforces the kids' possible wishes that you guys get back together. One of you will meet another man or woman and those dinners will put a halt to that or become awkward. It just slows the whole process of separation and detachment down.

Is one of you hoping to get back together?

A clean break is better. Go on as you mean to. You can be friendly coparents without regular dinners together.

My friends parents did this once a week when they split up her dad cheated on her mum but they done it every week for 6 odd years till her little sister was older it was never awkward or unpleasant
i think it all depends on the situation and the people involved as to if it works or not

I did this with my exH, used to be every Sunday until he got a new gf.
We remained close friends, and it benefited our son seeing us get along, making co-parenting much easier. There have been ups and downs, but if you both stick to wanting to keep a positive, friendly relationship. It is possible :)

I think it’s nice, though I’d give it time, not right away. Give everyone 6 months or so to settle into the new normal first.

But my parents regularly had dinners with me, maybe once a month. We often did Christmas together as well at one set of grandparents or the other, and we did a few small holidays, sleeping separately, but days spent together. When my dad met his lovely partner, she was invited too. It wasn’t confusing or weird.

My dad was completely incompetent. He had no overnight contact with me. He just wouldn’t have coped and wasn’t really interested in spending time with me, but with some facilitation and catering by my mum, he’d do it. Bless her, she hasn’t always done a lot of things right in her life and we aren’t close now, but I think she got that right, even though it must have annoyed her having him over. My dad died suddenly when I was 18, so I’m glad I did have that time with him.

That’s interesting, we still do it now with grown up children and spouses/partners, I don’t think it ever felt uncomfortable. We didn’t do it immediately after separation though.

Take each occasion as it comes - don’t set anything in stone.

There is an area you can live in between being toxic and hating each others guts and being friends who still have family dinners together.

You can be friends and have a positive relationship without having to muddy the waters by starting a routine that will not be able to be kept up say one of you get into a new relationship.

We went on a few holidays too, it was after a couple of years though. But still had family meals together for occasions in the first year.

This. It's confusing for the children.
Better to keep it to birthdays and special days only.

Also wanted to add that I grew up with divorced parents who hated each other. And it was awful. I never ever wanted to put dc through that. And luckily for me and dc my ex felt the same way. I guess the key is that we were both on the same page of how we wanted to protect dc and were able to put any animosity behind us.

@LightB It works for my ex and I and dc. We have dinner at each other’s houses. We have times when we do family activities together. We navigate our co parenting relationship focusing on what is best for dc and for what works for us. We have been doing this for several years now. I think we get along better as exes who have remained friends and co parents. There are many different kinds of family dynamics out there and the nuclear family isn’t the only one.

I very much related to Mayim Bialik on her views on family and co parenting.

https://www.today.com/today/amp/tdna102287

My ex and I have been doing this for 10 years, but it probably helps that there has been no new partner emerging on either side.

It started out shaky, but we've managed so far and my daughter accepted a long time ago that there would be no reunion. Now she says she's enjoyed us getting on being able to do things together.

@alcoholnightmare I worry he'll break your heart all over again if he finds someone. I hope you're working on disentangling your heart/emotions before then 💐.