How would you feel if someone told you you are not needed

That’s because you are a nice person. My own mother was like this, and still is, with her mother and sister, they have an enmeshed co dependent relationship and spend their days running everyone down. None of those people deserved the scorn and malice they were subjected to ( it could be a holiday, a cruise or the audacity to buy a caravan) but this kind of gossip and mindset is born out of boredom and a lack of achievement and direction.

It has nothing to do with you - you could be anyone. Nothing to do with dh.

They no doubt feel some ownership towards him. It’s a deeply unhealthy dynamic.

Next time maybe OP could reply with a concerned “you sound unhappy sil, things not going so well for you?” Then see how she responds.

The onus is on her to approach you - definitely not the other way around or you will be reinforcing the dynamic/hierarchy. In this instance she must initiate with an apology and an explanation and you can consider whether it’s acceptable and move on (if they show you respect)

I’m not sure how else to take it?

She was openly disparaging of her brother, your DH, helping a friend in need and then said they don’t need you.

MIL needs to stop taking sides.

Nailed it.

These are petty, small minded, bitter misers/gossips angry with their own miserable existence, they spend their lives picking apart everyone else’s life. This is what they do all of the time, it’s just spilled over publicly this time. This is who they are.

Why are you wracking your brains op? This has nothing to do with you. This is their issue with the world at large.

They see themselves as the unit, and you are an outsider/imterloper. You always were, but you served a purpose before bending over backwards to ingratiate yourself to them, so they kept quiet(er)

I am glad your dh has your back. For how long I don’t know. Families like this tend to control other members and he will come under a lot of pressure to roll over.

You need a distant, coldly civil grey rock relationship with them at most, at best I would just avoid them. They won’t apologise, this is who they are.

I think this sister still sees her siblings as younger people and and part of the family that once was 25 years ago. The family has grown up, moved out, married and have their own families now - but this sibling is aged and still at home, in the same family.

This is by no means an excuse because it was insensitive and rude what she said - people don't trump others in a family, as everyone is important.
Not being in a relationship she isn't understanding that the dynamics of the relationship between yo and your husband is different to that of him and his mum or him and his sister.

I don't like all this not talking, talking needs to be done and setting her straight that the family has changed over the years and considering youve been part of the family for 13 years she needs to catch up, apologise for such a silly suggestion and make amends

People with small lives and mean minds often end up behaving like this. Nothing to do except gossip and pick people apart. Often emotionally unintelligent, and frankly, a bit thick.

I encountered one in-law like this but apart from her, I honestly cannot remember the last time I gossiped or gave a shiny shit about anyone's business. On the handful of occasions where a friend or relative has done or said something to upset me, I have either let it slide (if no malice was intended and it's not a pattern) or spoken directly to them and sorted it out. People who fester and start creating scenarios in their head are usually jealous, spiteful and bitter.

Don't let MIL minimise but equally, try not to let it get you too down. It's definitely a 'her' not 'you' problem.

My in-laws are spiteful like this I’ve had “you’re not family”, “only DH is invited, not you” and one even outright said “none of us like you”. As well as a million other snidey comments and insults. They are an only blood is family type of family and they hated women coming into the family.
I was only ever kind and welcoming to them, but the nastiness got too much. DH went NC and I got blamed for being “oversensitive and ruining the family”, even though it was his decision.

Stick to your guns. The more you put up with, the more she will dish out.

SIL commented that he was spending far to much time there, trying to make himself out to be a big important man!

So she dislikes her brother as well as you?

What business was it of hers anyway?

Surely it had no impact on her?

I think that she's clearly bonkers and not in the fun way. I think that your husband needs to say something to them though

This reminds me of MIL a few years ago absolutely insisting she was DH next of kin as his mother despite the fact we are married. She wouldn’t have it that I was !

What has your DH said??

Keep them away from you as much as humanly possible. They are nasty and they won't ever see your side. That's how I handle my stupid in-laws who have zero interest in me or my their own grandchildren/ neices.

Unless you did something bad to anger them ?

OP she is foul and deranged.

Have a similarly awful SIL. Don’t let her drive a wedge between you and DH. If he can d es l with setting boundaries it would be better as SIL and MIL will have a harder time turning it on you.

So sorry. You and your DH are absolutely doing the right thing in the tragic situation of your friends.

My SIL got very cross with DH because he wouldn't invest his money in a house for her to live in. She then told him that she expected him to be 'benevolent' towards her and that he had a duty to his sister as well as his wife.

She's cuckoo.

She sounds very weird and unhappy. I would just back off and spend a lot less time with them, and not get into these kids of conversations with either of them.

See sounds a right nutter, but if you're feeling petty, you could highlight some of the 'very important' things she cannot do for him but you can.

Bleurgh. People who can't tell the difference between being a mother/sister and a wife are weird and creepy. YANBU