How would you feel if someone told you you are not needed

Oh god, that's taken me back to my school days. Teacher in primary school was a spinster and still lived at home with Ma and Pa! She was a really nasty piece of work. Had all her favourites who she called "Peach" (FFS) and was an absolute COW to me and my siblings. This was back in the 70's when kids were scared of teachers.

That is what she is though. If she was either living independently or in a romantic relationship I doubt she would give two hoots about OP’s position in the family. It’s not as if spinster is an everyday word in modetn society (thankfully, it’s an awful word) but it does encapsulate the ‘movie’ stereotype. She’s almost like a Mrs Danvers character but it’s the brother instead of Rebecca.

Your dh needs you to support his boundaries and red lines, he has had to put up with this for his entire life. It sounds like you are doing so now, whereas before you were people pleasing, especially with them.

These people are not interested in being kind or enjoying a lovely family relationship, they want fodder and drama, because their lives are dull and lifeless without it. You are coming from completely different places. Like Venus and Mars.

Stand your ground. Refuse to be drawn back in. You can only win by backing off and enjoying your own life without this constant nasty undercurrent. Care much less. Be less available. Be less interested. Bright, breezy and indifferent. No doubt you will be told this is really affecting sil, that she is really struggling. They will expect you to fix this. Please do not. Ignore. She knows where you are when she is ready to apologise, and start being respectful.

Yes, it does. We've also been together since teenagers and it took me a long time to stop trying with them.

The invitations were one thing I stopped with. I'd told DH it was his job. He either did or he didn't. He didn't.

Of course I get all the blame for excluding them but I haven't excluded them at all. If their son can't get it into gear to include them, why is it my job?

It was made clear by my DH's family that they were his family first and I was an optional extra. Eventually I decided that, since I wasn't family and was left out all the time, DH could be social secretary for his own family. I made sure DH knew this was now his job. Result: We haven't seen them for 20 years.

I agree completely

Yes Completely Concur With You We All, Or At Least I'd Say The Majority Of Us Wish For Happy Families
Why would we wish for less for Our Beloved Families

Just prior to my MIL’s death, my SIL made some allegations of something I was supposed to have written and sent her. No one saw the document but she went hysterical to MIL how awful I had been.

there was nothing I could say or do to prove the allegations were false and I was told the document was destroyed because of the nasty content. I suspect you are in a similar situation that I was in.

for self preservation, you both need to stay as far away from your SIL as possible. If you want to have a cuppa with your MIL, offer to meet her at a local cafe, but completely exclude SIL so you cannot be accused or put in a difficult position again.

I'm So Sorry To Hear You Were Spoken To This Way
Completely Unacceptable From Her
You Deserve Much More
Did She Just Say This In a Temper
If She Said It Calmly With Thought It's Cruel, Unless She Apologises & Admits She Spoke in temper & takes it back
Also I'd wish for an explanation for such heartless words 💚😢💚

Enjoy the PEACE - leave them to it! I bet you don’t. Too busy wishing for happy families rather than looking at the reality of your situation, and your ritual humiliation.

She sounds single and bitter

Not an uncommon trait, especially in single women teachers, if they are in their 50s they will probably have responsibility and authority at work and can't leave it at the school gates.

SIL sounds controlling and prone to jealousy, which go hand in hand. She asked you a question (which was really more like her voicing her opinion on how her brother should be spending his time and completely inappropriate) and you answered it. For her to then claim that the only people your DH needs are her and his mother is just plain crazy. I MIGHT have given it a pass if you had just started dating this man a few weeks ago, but you are married with 2dc! Also, what she said doesn't even make sense in this response, which tells me that she's been holding this feeling in for a while and just waiting for the moment to say it.

So, she is 50+, never married. In her world, her family hasn't changed since when she was a child, but it's sad that she can't accept that her brother's has and that he is a grown man with a family of his own.

Your MIL sounds like a complete enabler. So her adult daughter insults you and it's your fault she is now lonely? I'd keep some major space with these people, especially your SIL, as she is highly unlikely to change for the better.

The 1800s called. They would like you back.

No, you weren’t too weak to take it. You took it and then you took action to stop this bratty twatty woman from treating you like it again.

I would ignore her and leave it to DH to deal with.

Wow your SIL is a piece of work.
Jealous of her DB helping people and takes it out on yiu.

What's your DH said? Can he intervene with his parents at least do they know what happened?

Honestly she needs to be put in her place and told firmly just how much you're valued.

Sending a hug you dont deserve that at all.

Sorry to sound sexist, but she sounds like a bitter spinster, still living with her parents and they deeply resent you/your relationship with the son/brother.
Your husband sounds like a good person who is doing his best for his friends, but may need to have a firm word with them sooner rather than later.
Horrid for you, try and keep your chin up.

Yeah that’s called gaslighting. It sounds like your in-laws are being equally mean and judgmental to your husband so try not to take it too personally, they are just not nice people. The way SIL questioned his reasons for wanting to support his bereaved friends is also very telling. He sounds like a lovely man so she is just unfairly projecting her own shitty behaviour and thought processes onto him - she’s the kind of person who wouldn’t go out of her way to help people so she can’t understand his motives and assumes he must be up to something. People like her have no self-awareness so there is no point in trying to reason with her. When I’m dealing with somebody like that, I like to remind myself that they are not the special, unique person they obviously think they are - they are just a cliche from a psychology textbook! Once you identify that, it makes them easier to deal with because you start to recognise the patterns in their apparently irrational words and behaviour. It’s all just a defence mechanism to protect their own insecurities and stop them having to face up to their own faults.

well quite. What a weird thing to say.