How would you feel if someone told you you are not needed

I’m not married. I’m not jealous and snippy at people who are. I think it’s a combination of her not having a relationship (ever?) and still living with her parents at 50, never having lived independently. She seems not happy with her choices.

Yeah that’s misogyny and sexism making you assume the sister’s behaviour is prompted by her marital status.

My SIL out of the blue once told my DH (at another sibling’s wedding) that he had to choose between her and me. Context was that we had both had a falling out with her years before over her behaviour, but things were (I thought) resolved. We’d been married for about 12 years by then and had our son. DH told her well, there’s no decision to make is there and walked away. SIL has since been diagnosed with Schizophrenia so we think this was probably around the time her symptoms started to come out.

Just laugh at it. Ridiculous and petty.

Amyrhaf you HAVE to accept it - it WAS said, can not unsay it
Your reaction IS the defining part and your opportunity.
The stage IS now yours, to either show that you are not needed or to show that you ARE needed. The choice IS yours, only you can decide which role that you want to take. Take that role on the best way you CAN.

They actually have no rights

I would tell MIL, "Only in her dreams, and my nightmares".

Not you are not being unreasonable and I think you should distance yourself. Do not engage with her, if there is anything to be said to her it is DH who needs to do it.
The next move (if there is one) has to be made by her. Cut her loose for the forseeable future.

They have zero rights where your children are concerned. Zero. You would be well advised to keep your dc well away from them or they will be next.

We have discussed the topic and decided we wouldn't tell DH's family any information about any member of the family until 'the situation', whatever it is, is settled, if it's something they need to know. There's very little they need to know.

Wife is automatically NoK if husband doesn’t specify somebody else. Some husbands do nominate others as NoK if they suspect “D”W might not act in their, or the wider family’s, best interests.

you haven’t accepted it you have taken action
don’t let them live rent free in your head

I agree it's the teacher factor. In my experience lots of them hate not to be in charge and cannot accept that they may be wrong occasionally.

She clearly doesn't understand that once married, the most important woman in a man's life is his wife - NOT his mother and certainly not his sister.

I suspect that she has disliked you and abhorred your presence within the family circle for some time. It is a shame that matters have attained such an impasse, but if ever anything is going to be resolved, one of you has to make the first positive move. Even if you only move an inch at a time. I wonder if you have always felt uncomfortable in her presence, and she in yours? Families can be strange hybrid groups, and even small differences of viewpoint or jealousies can build up a real head of steam to end in fractured relationships that are never mended. A little humility goes a long way, and this a good opportunity to be the better person and be the first to break the ice. Your DH is also probably suffering too, so you have a golden opportunity to show him what a wonderful woman he has married. Good luck.

@OP acutually sister and monther are very insecure and trying to manipulate their brother or son. enjoy the drama, do not take it all to heart . be happy for what you are .yes they can say anything, you have nothing to question about it to your husband. only question him for what he is doing silly but not for his mum and sis. they are nothing in your life, but can be a thing in your husbands if he is insecure too. so whatever have fun when they are around, Ignore them

I'd ask her if there is something incestuous going on that she hasn't told you about... because clearly there is a need for you... and maybe she should ask her brother instead of sending these vile messages.

Well, she sounds ghastly, so sorry about her uncalled for comments.

My SiL has made a fair number of negative comments to and about me over the past 30+ years and it’s taken far too long for me to (mentally) ignore her. I dont know if it’s jealousy, possessiveness or a personality trait, but there do seem to be some SiL’s who don’t seem to have grown up!

Recently, when I was at my parents house she said, ‘And what is SHE still doing here?’ ie me, after I had spent a long weekend (in fact every weekend) looking after my lovely mum. That same Christmas my SiL gave me an opened box of chocolates whereas I had spent £95 on something she had requested!

Some friends say much the same about some of their SiL’s.

Please don’t let it upset you, it reflects on her, not on you 💕

Hmm on reflection she did say “he has a mother and a sister”…but still I couldn’t scrummage up a fuck to give about what my DH’s clearly batshit sister has to say. Especially after 2 kids and 14+ years together.