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Original poster

How would you feel if someone told you you are not needed

307 replies

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 12:40

How would you feel if your sister-in-law told you outright, “you are not needed here” that my DH “has a mother, has a sister, there is no need for you here at all” my DH and I have been together since I was 18, now 33, 2 DC. I have since blocked her on all SM and keeping a huge distance from her, but really, who would accept being spoken to like that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 13:13

Away2000 · 05/06/2025 13:10

That’s really odd behaviour. Is she married? Seems really weird that she would think his wife is not as important as them.

Shes not married, has never left home despite being 50 x

OP posts:
Original poster
Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 13:13

Handbagcuriosity · 05/06/2025 13:10

It would make me feel a bit shit but, she doesn’t sound particularly normal, so I’d try not to let it impact you too much.

That doesn’t mean it’s not a nice thing for her to have said or that you have to put up with it. What I mean is she is behaving oddly, you aren’t, so don’t let her get to you.

You’ve done the right thing to block. And if your MIL persists then simply say she told me I wasn’t needed therefore I’m being not needed.

Hopefully your DH is supportive. If she apologises sincerely then I’d try and move forward but I wouldn’t go above and beyond keeping things civil

I have said that I am open to an adult conversation at any time to see if i had misunderstood anything or taken it the wrong way and we could move on, but nothing at all, which makes me think she 100% did mean it.

OP posts:
MounjaroMounjaro · 05/06/2025 13:13

Imagine having the sort of personality where you're jealous of the help your brother is giving to someone who's lost a child.

What your MIL says doesn't make sense anyway - how are you to stop your SIL feeling lonely when she's just told you she can do without you?

Whataloadoffuss · 05/06/2025 13:12

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 13:00

The main reason im asking here is because MIL had also been trying to convince me that “I was sensitive” “took it the wrong way” and was “too weak to take it?” I am pretty sure im not wrong in feeling how I am feeling, so I just wanted other peoples thoughts…

So she is essentially gaslighting you, and flipping it. No, they were insensitive, and rude. They're controlling of your dh; he's a grown man fgs. What does he think of it all?

Original poster
Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 13:11

sesquipedalian · 05/06/2025 13:06

“MIL had also been trying to convince me that “I was sensitive” “took it the wrong way” and was “too weak to take it?”

I am astonished. If one of my DD’s ever said anything like that to my DIL (I’m absolutely sure they wouldn’t) then I’d be pointing out in no uncertain terms that the wife of my DS and the DM of my DGC was very definitely one of the family. I assume your DH is aware of all this - what’s he had to say? He should be leaping to your defence and having a word with his DSis.

i feel the same, if my son ever had a wife, who my DD dpoke unkindly towards I would 100% pull my DD up on it snd tell her to behave! DH is not speaking to his sister after this, not through me prompting mind! I told him i simply cant have anything to do with her anymore, annd he said I dont blame you.

OP posts:
Handbagcuriosity · 05/06/2025 13:10

It would make me feel a bit shit but, she doesn’t sound particularly normal, so I’d try not to let it impact you too much.

That doesn’t mean it’s not a nice thing for her to have said or that you have to put up with it. What I mean is she is behaving oddly, you aren’t, so don’t let her get to you.

You’ve done the right thing to block. And if your MIL persists then simply say she told me I wasn’t needed therefore I’m being not needed.

Hopefully your DH is supportive. If she apologises sincerely then I’d try and move forward but I wouldn’t go above and beyond keeping things civil

Away2000 · 05/06/2025 13:10

That’s really odd behaviour. Is she married? Seems really weird that she would think his wife is not as important as them.

PrettyPuss · 05/06/2025 13:09

I think the SIL sounds like a bully. I have some relatives (also mother and daughter) who sound similar. I no longer see them. They managed to fall out with everyone in the family over the years, including their own son/brother. It's a very strange, unhealthy relationship. The daughter is now 56, she never left her childhood home. This woman just ground me down with her snipey little comments over the years and in the end, I'd had enough and stood up to her. Never saw them again and never will.

I don't know what underlies it but my relatives are very socially inept people. They don't go anywhere or do anything except work and be at home, where they bitch about people.

FoodAppropriation · 05/06/2025 13:07

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 12:45

No one should trump anyone! We should all be equal, so imagine being made to feel much much mich less than equal, how would you feel?

Show quote history

I don't understand the context, but no you are not equal with a daughter and her mother and never will be? You are not family, nothing wrong with that.

The " we don't need you here" is more confusing, need more details.

sesquipedalian · 05/06/2025 13:06

“MIL had also been trying to convince me that “I was sensitive” “took it the wrong way” and was “too weak to take it?”

I am astonished. If one of my DD’s ever said anything like that to my DIL (I’m absolutely sure they wouldn’t) then I’d be pointing out in no uncertain terms that the wife of my DS and the DM of my DGC was very definitely one of the family. I assume your DH is aware of all this - what’s he had to say? He should be leaping to your defence and having a word with his DSis.

alcoholnightmare · 05/06/2025 13:06

I’d go way below the belt and ask her if she thinks her brother preferred fucking you or his mum and sister

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 05/06/2025 13:05

Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 12:50

Context is DH had been spending slot of time helping our bereaved friends who had recently lost their child. SIL commented that he was spending far to much time there, trying to make himself out to be a big important man! And why did he need to run to help them?! I calmly told her “well thats just how DH is, he wants to help” Cue “we dont need you to tell us about DH name, we dont need you here at all, he has a mother and a sister, we dont need you” etc etc…

Based on this she sounds horrible.

Icedcaramelfrappe · 05/06/2025 13:04

Blocking is best I think. she sounds pretty unkind to my ears

LakieLady · 05/06/2025 13:04

I'd point out that my husband chose to be with me, he merely got lumbered with those two.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 05/06/2025 13:03

Katemax82 · 05/06/2025 12:42

No one would accept being treated like that! Imo wife trumps mum and sister..

I think the person who isn't making it into a competition trumps the person who is.

Unless they are both demanding that you choose them over the other person, in which case you have got yourself into a right bugger's muddle and you should probably fake your own death and start again with non insane people.

My BIL's wife is trying to make him choose between her and his family and we are all just hoping he eventually realises she's a nasty piece of work and gets a divorce.

grumpygrape · 05/06/2025 13:03

OP, where does your husband stand on this ?

Seventree · 05/06/2025 13:02

"Oh, I can think of a few things I do with DH that would be entirely inappropriate for you or his mum to do with him (optional wink)".

But on a more serious note, what does your DH say when his sister is so rude to you? If he doesn't immediately shut her down then you have a bigger problem than a crazy SIL.

blueshedhermit · 05/06/2025 13:01

I would simply say at any given opportunity, "No, thanks-I know I'm not needed, take care."
Preferably followed by a tinkly little laugh and a demure head tilt.
Wankers!

Original poster
Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 13:00

The main reason im asking here is because MIL had also been trying to convince me that “I was sensitive” “took it the wrong way” and was “too weak to take it?” I am pretty sure im not wrong in feeling how I am feeling, so I just wanted other peoples thoughts…

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 05/06/2025 13:00

Not needed where? Ask to remind you what exactly her purpose is in the universe? As you can't imagine she's 'needed' anywhere with an attitude like that.

Original poster
Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 12:58

DwarfBeans · 05/06/2025 12:56

Op, has your fil passed away and your sil and mil relying on DH? Because I can’t figure out the dynamics.

No FIL is very much alive, i think part of it comes from SIL not having her own little family, and is struggling with her other siblings having their own people, and not her anymore? I dont really know.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 05/06/2025 12:58

She just sounds a bit unhinged OP.

Let it roll off like water off a ducks back. She’s obviously wrong. What she’s saying is ridiculous.

Original poster
Amyrhaf · 05/06/2025 12:57

AtlasPine · 05/06/2025 12:53

She sounds nuts but you’re allowing her to live in your head rent free. Forget her, she’s irrelevant to your relationship. Of course a wife offers so much a sister or mother can’t. If she isn’t able to see that then honestly it’s her problem, don’t make it yours.

Thank you, i really have been letting it get to me, mainly because ive given so much of myself for them as a family, always helping when i can etc, and to realise that she thought that of me all along x

OP posts:
DwarfBeans · 05/06/2025 12:56

Op, has your fil passed away and your sil and mil relying on DH? Because I can’t figure out the dynamics.

TeenLifeMum · 05/06/2025 12:56

Whataloadoffuss · 05/06/2025 12:54

It isn't SIL's dc. Op's last response explains.

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When I started replying op’s update wasn’t posted.

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