How would you feel if someone told you you are not needed

Oh, I’ve got a SIL like this.

What’s happening here, is that she feels her status and place in the family is threatened by you. I’m not joking, I’ve had it happen to me. My SiL’s take on it was that I am not family, I am an interloper, and my place is at the bottom of the ladder and hers is on the 2nd to top rung under their mum and dad. My DC are part of HER family, and are her blood, but I am just a walking womb and not family. My SiL was single till 50 and has no DC. Mine are the only DGC.

We have had many battles in the past, and she didn’t win all of them. When I decided that I was no longer prepared to be a 3rd class citizen when with them, I went LC with her. She doesn’t live with PIL so it’s a bit easier. She succeeded in pushing me out when I was younger, in the sense that she stopped MIL getting to know me, and wasn’t allowed to spend time with me. I’ll never forgive her for that.

I organise most things and I don’t include her. I invite PIL but not her and her BF. When she invites us, I am always busy. I’ve not seen her for 18 months. She recently told my DH that she wants to get to know me better. What after 30 years? Do you think I’m that naive that you are only doing it because you are excluded from the good stuff like my kids milestones, their parties, Christmas and days out. We went to Lapland a few years ago and she went ballistic because we didn’t invite her or PiL. I mean, the entitlement.

Your MIL has done the maths. DD is her child, she lives with her, now she has to put up with her upset, she’s going to probably have to look after MIL in her old age. Your MIL is sticking with her insurance policy and gaslighting you.

You need to get over your upset somehow. If you are damned if you do, damned if you don’t….waste no more time on them. Tell your DH he is to deal with HIS family from now on as they treat you with disrespect. Back out slowly. Drop the rope.

My greatest revenge is to live well. I’m really happy to see PIL when I see them. But I’m super dooper busy. We’ve been doing this, and doing that, life is so busy and great and I don’t have a second to waste thinking about your insecure DD, my SIL.

Ahh I would just ignore her - if you wanted to be specific, you are genuinely 'needed' by more people than she is, namely your husband and children and she isn't really 'needed' by anyone. It's just old fashioned jealousy from her part, and not worth giving any more headspace to - if you do want to think about her, reframe it as feeling sorry for her.

I am really sorry, Amy. Hopefully your husband will be able to repair the relationship with his sister in time, the current situation won't last forever and family rifts are awful.

Try not to think about it any more, there's nothing you can do, hurtful as it is. Certainly don't stoop to making vulgar remarks, that will do no good at all. I must say I do not understand it, I daresay you don't either. Just live your life!

She’s odd and her comment is odd. No one should ever be told they “aren’t needed here”. Certainly inclusiveness is a desirable
trait in all families. I think you and DH are doing well to ignore her and be cognizant of her ruthless negativity. Something has changed in the last 3 generations. My DF had a dsis and 2 aunts who never married and one aunt married no DC. These are my great aunts my dc great great aunts and they lived to meet my DC. They were absolutely the best aunts. Fun funny great cooks welcomed you and dc into their homes and babysit too (not mine too elderly). We still fondly bring them up at holidays..all their famous desserts and their largesse in general. Truly wonderful women who have good advice on child
rearing and marriage because they observed it all and were wonderful confidants. It’s sad your SIL can’t find a role in family life like this. everyones missing out with this cruel dynamic

Id ignore her she's the one with the problem.

I know somebody like this, He has openly said he is going to keep the house when they die, so it suits him to stay. He also is an overgrown child, works, but does nothing else.

I can absolutely see my mother and sister in law saying something like this. My MIL hates the idea that I, our children, his dad or ANYONE might be more important to my husband than she is, or might know him better. As it happens she barely knows him at all because he really doesn't want anything to do with her. On the rare occasions we feel we have to do a duty visit she'll buy certain foods that she's decided my husband loves, but because she never actually makes any effort to engage she always gets it wrong.

I once made the mistake of pointing out (politely) that he doesn't like a particular thing and she responded in a very similar way to your SIL here (I was right and she got all guilt trippy with tears when he told her the same thing afterwards). To be honest at this point I had been made aware that she was an awful woman, I knew I wasn't really the problem so I just felt a bit smug and not pissed off at all. It's caused by her own insecurities. In the end I worked out that the worse she behaved, the less my husband wanted to do with her so I happily allowed her to continue without any challenge so she spiked her own guns.

Ler his family continue their bitching. He already doesn't like it and is backing away. Hopefully in time you'll never have to see them at all.

And what did your DH say? Surely he's supporting you?

Oh well I'm glad you said it because I was thinking 'So who's going to be sucking his cock then MIL? You or your daughter?'. The pair of them jolly well deserve to have something like that said to them!

So the SIL is moaning that your kind-hearted DH is being there for your/his friends and then says he is there too much, you (rightly) stick up for him and she has a pop at you and she is backed up by her Mum.

It is them, not you - they can do one. They need to get their own life. Don’t be made to feel this is on you or that you are insensitive. SIL needs to kee her nose out and/or keep her rude opinions to herself. Isn’t remotely her business AND she started it 🤬

This is the crux of it. She is bitter and jealous. The jealousy is blatantly obvious. Has she ever had a significant romantic relationship (or even a casual one)? Has she suffered a heartbreak she can’t move on from?

I would say that she is jealous. She's an old spinster and wants what you have. She's left it too late for a family and with her snippy speak, she won't get a husband now either!

Hold your head up, OP, ignore her and move on. Love that your DH is with you on this too.

Oh gosh this is what I was going to say! Not my usual sort of speak but under these circumstances a reply like that should shut her and the mother up!

Interesting! I have just been thinking about that relationship. It was my aunt and her daughter (my cousin). My cousin has an older brother who was the centre of his mothers attention when we were children. Son was the 'apple of her eye'. Basically, my aunt preferred boys. So my cousin spent her life seeking her mothers approval. Always 'telling tales' on her brother. Her brother grew up to have a very successful career that his parents and sister felt threatened by (it would involve meeting people they couldn't cope with meeting and would feel intimidated by).

So mum and daughter were left together to bond over this, and every other person who had ever 'wronged' them in any way or who they could find fault with or create drama for by making stupid comments. Both just very bitter.

That is hurtful. Of course it is your business as much as anyone else in the family. However, and I say this tentatively, were you trying too hard, maybe taking over a bit too much? People are sensitive about such things which can make them insensitive in remarks. Back off a bit and just be available if needed. What does your husband say?

Any adult who has failed to leave home by their 50s is likely to be stuck in their childhood dynamic. She will have no understanding of how once you are in a serious relationship, that person and their views are likely to be of higher priority than hers or her parents. She is an adult child in essence.

I have nothing against two/three generations of family members living together, and understand it is the norm in some cultures. It wouldn't be for me at all, and would drive me insane but each to their own. However, in situations like these, it is such an unhealthy dynamic. The SIL needs to get her own life, she sounds like a petulant child.

Forgot to mention as well that we have a 3 generational family in a house down the road. All they do is argue, and we hear it down the street. The lazy adult children are like overgrown kids, and the grandchildren are like the children of the grandparents (who do everything). The adult mother of the kids has different boyfriends, PDA outside the front door, and behaves like a teenager. It is all dysfunctional.

The more info you’ve posted the more it just feels like she doesn’t have much emotional maturity. And that her parents have pandered to her a lot.

You’ve been an adult about the situation and I don’t think there’s much more to do. It’s up to her now. Good your DH is supportive.

@Amyrhaf your SIL is trying to stir up trouble and create a problem where there isn't one.

The fact is that your husband has done a good thing in being there for his friends during a very tough time. SIL having a problem with that just makes her look very bad.

I would ask questions. Ask SIL why your husband helping them out is a problem? What does it matter to her if he is spending a lot of time at the friends house?

These 2 women are trying to create drama where none exists. They will try to make trouble in your marriage. Don't let them. Ask them questions to try to get the the root of their comments (they won't be able to answer the questions with a sensible answer). Or just try to ignore them.

I would just right it off as her being jealous because her brother has moved on in life and has other important family members were as she just has her parents/brother. Your MILs attitude of being overly defensive is probably why her daughter has failed to get on in life.

It's hard to misunderstand "You are not needed here"!

Honestly op, I think you're bang on with this. It sounds like SIL hasn't moved on from the old family dynamic.