Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU DH best friends with ex

39 replies

Strategies25 · 05/06/2025 10:52

This is really hard for me to write- and it’s the last thing I need as I’m battling with lots of other problems at the moment.

in a throw away comment yesterday I realised that DH and his ex message each other all the time about their day etc.

they have a son together, and I know they message a lot about him. And he’s always bragging about how great they get on and never make any issues etc, and they put their son first.

But I was pretty unhappy to find out they also message each other as friends- even when it has nothing to do with their son.

for context me and DH barely message at all. Max once per day before we lived together. Now once per week.

He really defended their friendship and in his mind the messaging as friends reinforces their relationship and makes Co parenting easier.

I just generally don’t think it’s right for your husband to be messaging his ex all the time??

for context we’ve been together 6 years and see each other as soulmates etc. we’ve been really strong.

the ex has 5 children all with different dads. Since we’ve been together she’s had another baby and lived with 5-6 men.

I don’t feel she’s a particular threat. But I also don’t think it’s ok for your husband to be messaging another woman all the time??

OP posts:
DeSoleil · 05/06/2025 11:32

Why would he text you more? He lives with you!

It’s good he is supportive of her and they have a good relationship.

Endofyear · 05/06/2025 11:29

I think it's great that he is friendly with his ex - this can only be beneficial for the child they share. They will always be inextricably linked by being his parents.

What exactly is it that you're concerned about? Do you think he's still in love with her?

Original poster
Strategies25 · 05/06/2025 11:24

Thank you @SummertimealreadyI did say that last night.

I said I can’t control what she messages him- but it’s not appropriate in my eyes for him to be messaging her about his general day which has nothing to do with the children.

there have been a couple of instances over the years when issues around her came up - both times interestingly when she didn’t have a boyfriend.

the downside of all the love in boyfriend’s is the toll it takes on their son- and the impact that then has on me, my house and my children. As he comes over like a complete wreck.

anyway I’ve had a sense of unease about her from our first date. I thought we’d dealt with the issues- which is why I don’t like it flaring up again.

OP posts:
Summertimealready · 05/06/2025 11:12

I agree with you OP.

I think co parenting their child is one thing but as a married man being so emotionally entwined with her is not appropriate and definitely not fair on you.

It sounds like she is still his primary relationship and you are the third wheel in this set up. It's quite telling that he has kept the extent of his level of involvement with her from you up until now.

I think you should be asking him to put boundaries into his relationship with her and confine his communication with her to parenting issues. If he refuses to do so to set your mind at rest then you will know where you stand in his priorities.

Renabrook · 05/06/2025 11:11

Strategies25 · 05/06/2025 11:03

I’ve been fully supportive of their Co-parenting relationship, but finding out they text each other about their day is upsetting.

he loved her and thought she was the one for him. They only split up because she moved onto a new man. He wouldn’t have split up with her.

id be upset if he had a close female friend he messaged all the time. The fact that it’s his ex makes it worse in my opinion.

So you didn't know all this before you married him?

TheSlantedOwl · 05/06/2025 11:07

Yeah it’s too much. It’s very intimate.

Butchyrestingface · 05/06/2025 11:07

the ex has 5 children all with different dads. Since we’ve been together she’s had another baby and lived with 5-6 men.

The godless HOOR!!

Anyway, irrelevant information aside, why compare the amount of times he messages her with the amount of times he messages you? You live together presumably. Surely he can just talk to you?

Sunnygin · 05/06/2025 11:06

He sounds like a caring co parent....after reading some off the horror story's on this site...you are being very unreasonable...their child will benefit parent that are still friends

Original poster
Strategies25 · 05/06/2025 11:03

I’ve been fully supportive of their Co-parenting relationship, but finding out they text each other about their day is upsetting.

he loved her and thought she was the one for him. They only split up because she moved onto a new man. He wouldn’t have split up with her.

id be upset if he had a close female friend he messaged all the time. The fact that it’s his ex makes it worse in my opinion.

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 05/06/2025 11:02

Comparing how often they message and you message when you live in the same house and presumably talk is not a fair comparison.

Your title also says best friends, from the message that's not really clear, or just good friends, and best friend is a bit primary school.

okydokethen · 05/06/2025 11:00

It doesn’t sound like you trust your soul mate

MattCauthon · 05/06/2025 10:59

I don't think that it's intrinsically a problem for him to be friends with her. It only becomes an issue if his friendship with her takes away from your relationship. In light of the fact that you didn't even realise he was that friendly with her, it doesn't sound like your relationship is suffering in any way.

Having said that, I wouldn't want DH to be that friendly with anyone - male or female - and to hvae MORE communication with another person than he has with me. eg I'd be upset if I discovered he was talking to his friend/s about things and not telling me (obviously, the odd thing you talk to friends about and not your Dh for a good reason, but I mean day to day).

Lmnop22 · 05/06/2025 10:57

Why is it relevant how many children she has by how many different fathers? Or how many men she has lived with since she split with your DH? This says a lot about your contempt for this woman!

If you don’t like, ask DH to keep communication about the children, if he says no then decide if you can live with that.

Ultimately, they have to be in touch since they share a child, it’s perfectly acceptable to have friends of the opposite sex when you’re in a relationship, you have no cause for concern over the content of the messages and you risk affecting their coparenting relationship over your insecurities if you’re not careful and jeopardising your relationship with your DH

IfIDid · 05/06/2025 10:56

When your partner has a child with an ex they’re connected for life. In your shoes I think I’d be glad they have an amicable co-parenting relationship, as the alternative can be so awful. And no, I don’t think it’s reasonable to try to police the content of their messages, with only strictly child-focused content being allowed.