AIBU DH best friends with ex

If you were so uncomfortable from your first date on with their being best friends as well as co-parenting, why did you marry him?

It sounds to me like you're jealous that he has an emotional closeness to her that he doesn't have with you. Do you think he's still carrying a torch for her?

Just another viewpoint. I'm best friends with my ex, and we co-parent successfully. Up until recently, we would text daily, just general chit chat, not serious. his new gf has got the hump with this, made him de-friend me on facebook and we are now only chatting (raely) about our son.

I have known this man for over 20 years, and because his new gf is an insecure little madam, who has thrown her toys out of the pram, all of our history is currently out the window.

Let me be clear, there are no feelings on either side, barring a long friendship. Neither of us wants to be together (honestly, it would be like sleeping with my brother 😷), but all those years of friendship and respect are gone cause his gf simply can't understand that we have built a trusting friendship with the father of my child.

I have stepped back a lot since they started dating; he has moved country to be with this woman, yet it's still not enough. She needs to control how much / what we speak about. Get a grip!

Is that because it's not been an issue or because it's been hidden from you ?

I'm not saying he doesn't love you but it sounds like he still carries a torch for the ex and she's able to take advantage of that because they share a child.
The continuing closeness makes him feel less dumped. He'll enjoy feigning sympathy about her break ups (I don't blame him for that) and the fact that she (apparently) still needs him other than for co-parenting.
She's maintaining a safety net for herself as well as for their child as she moves from one relationship to another.
I don't imagine she wants him back; she's just keeping him warm under the grill so to speak.
I think they should consider your feelings and restrict their exchanges to mutual child related matters.
I wonder if she's just as pally with all her other baby daddies after she's split from them? If so she must be almost permanently on her phone and have very little time to properly parent all her children.

I understand exactly why you feel this way. This goes beyond basic friendship or co parenting. He puts a lot of time and energy into the connection and intimacy with his ex that he doesn’t put into you. If he texts the ex 5 times a day, talking about all different things and catching up - but couldn’t do the same to you (pre living together) that’s a real problem.

There are three in this relationship and you are often sidelined.

I don’t think your soulmates from his behaviour
he can have a great co parenting relationship but this sounds more intimate than that and it sounds like he’s settled for you
I don’t know if id want to be settled for…

This 100%. I've been in this exact situation and I should have kicked off about it much earlier.

😂😂😂

I was going to say I'd be fine with it, until you said that! And that issues have come up when she's between boyfriends. I think enough is enough and I wouldn't be happy with them being friends. They don't need to be friends. Amicable exes and co parents yes, friends no. You are not wrong to be concerned. And she's clearly not a friend of your marriage at all, if all the comms are with him privately.
She sounds like she is exposing her kids to all sorts of randomers, so why is he friends with her when it's affecting his child badly? If my ex was doing that I would be really cross, not bessy mates.
It's fine to have boundaries and to want to be prioritised in your marriage. Stick up for yourself.

And in 6 years it’s not really been an issue.

I think this is the key thing, really. It hasn't been an issue to date, and you've said that you don't think she is a particular threat. So I don't really see that there's an issue tbh.

Just dump him.

It's not worth years of arguing.

Im not a jealous type but the writing is on the wall: he clearly wants her company more than yours in the day because he's calling and texting her and not you.

Why accept second best? You could literally dump him and find someone who wants your company as much as he wants hers.

I completely get your position. My only warning / advice is be very careful - he is welcome to have a chatty fun supportive friends type relationship with her, as others have said this is positive for coparenting....the only time this becomes a problem is when the news and trivia of the day are shared primarily and first with her, and then second hand and less enthusiastically with you....these trivial minutiae are the cement that builds intimacy and closeness. And if they are communicating this often through the day, every day, and only intermittently with you, chances are that the freshness and excitement are shared with her and only distantly with you right at the end of th eday. Their closeness is not a dealbreaker, but defend your intimacy.

You're in danger of damaging a relationship you value with pointless jealousy. The important thing here is stability for your stepchild, and a good, strong friendship between his parents is something that will help, given that your DH's ex seems to live an unstable life.

Stop spoiling a good situation for no reason, be supportive of SS, be glad you aren't dealing with an angry, resentful relationship between your DH and his ex, and if your first description of your relationship is true, that it is strong and you are soulmates, start trusting him. If you don't trust him, then your relationship isn't strong and you are not soulmates.

I think this is all very reasonable and sensible. I think boundaries and clarity are so important for THE most important people in the circle, the children. As you point out, the child may hope for reconciliation, not form.a good bond with a step parent or be resentful that they are the ones schlepping from house to house while the adults are getting along famously. There is a middle ground where people are respectful, supportive and sometimes put themselves out for the other but within very firm boundaries as to the nature of the relationship

I also don’t think it’s ok for your husband to be messaging another woman all the time??

This is a you problem because it's perfectly OK for people to message their friends about their day, and it's perfectly OK for them to have friends of the opposite sex. I have literally just messaged a male friend about what I'm doing today!

Obviously you message people you don't live with more than people you do live with. My WhatsApp chat with DP mostly consists of recipes we bung in there to remember later and shopping lists. My chats with my friends are much more exciting and we use actual sentences.

As a PP said, it’s as if she is his primary relationship - all the texting and sharing and joking - and you are his domestic mate. It’s not ok for it to be balanced like this, to your detriment. It’s a question of loyalty and priorities.

And yes of course it’s positive to be on good terms for co-parenting. But this goes way beyond that.

YANBU. I would hate this too.
May be you feel he would go back to her if she was single, since you mentioned other issues come up when she is.
I'd be really uncomfortable with this, and I've been in your situation with an ex who used to still shag her on the side. He'd pretend to be at work when in reality he was meeting her in her car and hotels.

I think it’s inappropriate and I don’t actually think it’s good for the child involved to see the parents so friendly. Polite and friendly over childcare arrangements etc then that’s nice. Helping each other if one of them is ill then great.
Constant every day chit chat I think is disrespectful to the new partners and quite confusing/ unfair to the child. Surely they must think if mum and dad are such good friends then why couldn’t they make the effort to stay together as my life would have been easier.

I agree that you have nothing to be jealous of but I think it’s quite disrespectful to you and not in the child’s best interests because it’s showing poor boundaries.

My children’s dad is now re married. I wouldn’t dream of contacting him when they are on holiday or at home at the weekend. It’s inappropriate and unfair. I would text him if I needed to regarding our children. In reality that is hardly ever. I’m happy to sit with him and his wife at events, which are few and far between. There is absolutely no need for constant communication.

This is just my opinion and I’m aware other people think it’s fine to remain very good friends with an ex despite having a new partner and there being no necessity for the communication.

I think this summarises things well. It's the issues with your partner and his communication and secrecy, not the ex.

It's seemingly like emotionally cheating, I get why you're upset op.

Two separate issues.

I don't think it should be a problem that he's friends with his ex. Im good friends with mine, we help each other out, it helps us to co parent our two children. My partner has zero issues with this, our relationship is loving and open and trusting and solid. If ex says something amusing about the kids when they're with him I'll show DP sometimes.

this leads to the bigger problem. Your husband doesn't send messages to you, he also didn't tell you they were messaging as much as they are. I would say that's a bigger problem and if you fix that, you'll not worry so much about their friendship. She's no threat and they have a child.

It sounds like you aren’t his confidante, that he goes outside the relationship for chat and fun leaving you with the drudgery. I wouldn’t like that.

I would definitely not be happy with this, especially so as the break up was not his choice. There is stoking going on here that extends beyond a co parenting relationship. Even if nothing ever happened between them, there's an intimacy there I would be uncomfortable about. As to what you can do about it, I don't know. You want him to either not want to have this level of friendship with her or realise it is jeopardising you guys and pull back of his own violition but that's not looking likely. And if you come down hard it's a bit mean mommy stopping him frpm being friends. There are no great outcomes - I think you have a lot of thinking to do.