Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

I would make it clear, however, that dealing with these issues effectively, to the extent that the child never has an inkling they exist, is mandatory if he wants the relationship to continue.

I very much hope you didn't tell her this. I speak as someone whose mother told them on a weekly basis growing up that she wished she'd never had kids, what a disappointment we were and how it had ruined her life. This led to a lifetime of self esteem issues for me and my sister.

Oh OP this situation is so terribly sad for you all. I'm not surprised you are blindsided - first by your DH's growing coldness and now this outburst. It must be all the worse for you when initially he seemed to be such a good and loving dad.
Your DH needs to agree to some professional help and fast! While your little boy may not have noticed what's going on yet (although I think he will have taken on board more than you realise) he will very soon be fully aware of this rejection and it will damage him.
It's simply not good enough for your DH to have changed his mind. I agree with others that all the secrecy has been counterproductive and people commenting that your DS looks like his dad can't help things.
I have not been in your situation but my older DD was a toddler when I met my DH and he has always been a loving parent to her. Anything else would have been totally unacceptable and a deal breaker.
If you have a family member or friend you can trust to talk to about this and who would keep quiet about it, please do so. I know your agreement was to keep it all hidden away, but I think that agreement has been somewhat blown out of the water by your DH's recent behaviour and change of heart. You can't now be expected to deal with all this on your own with no IRL emotional support. I wish you all the very best and hope you are able to work this out and move on from it as a family 💐

I went through years of ivf treatment. My age and my husbands vasectomy were the causes. I never told my family a thing. I justified that if I fell pregnant it was meant to be. I never fell pregnant and I now have to endure all the words which silently slice you.
‘She was never the child rearing type’
’wsmott is happily child free by choice’
’you can’t understand what it’s like to be a mother if you never wanted to be one’
’wsmott doesn’t have children because her step kids are enough’

It’s been too many years to put everyone straight now. But if there happened to have been a child in the picture being affected by the secret I would definitely spill the beans for some support and a little bit more understanding from my family on the gravity of their words.

@ClawFriend

You say you haven’t even messaged him today as you’re so upset. Gently this isn’t about you. In a relationship it’s not always 50/50. Sometimes it needs to be 60/40, 70/30 etc because one partner needs the support and grace more for a million different reasons.

Your DH is going through something big right now and he needs your support and empathy and not for you to be defensive and thinking about yourself.

You really can get through this with open conversation and help.

This.

I need to know if this is about DS’s conception or if he’s struggling in general.

Could be both, OP. Plus other stuff.

I would try more than one shot to talk about it, tbh. Counselling, talking, it all takes more than one shot.

Try and come at it with empathy, and patience. Even though that may not be what you're feeling. Try not to be accusatory, because that will shut him down. Ask him how he's feeling, because you're worried about him. Or whatever.

Fucking hell OP. Sending massive hugs, you must be floored.
Your husband needs counselling asap. Would he be open to this? You need a calm conversation when he’s home from work later.

I would have some compassion for him, which it does seem like you’re doing, to be fair. I think you may have overreacted and I think that’s what triggered this. It’s totally okay to stop and 18 month old from crawling on you if you are touched out and had enough. You saw that as rejection of your ds, but it’s a healthy boundary. Parents can say no and still love their children and this might be something you need to work on in yourself if you had this sort of reaction to it.

As for the rest of it, if he’s not otherwise a big jerk, my guess is this is pain that bubbled over in a bad way. One of the things about being a parent is that it re-opens all your wounds from your own childhood. It sounds like he didn’t have a totally happy childhood and carries a lot of pain from his relationship with his parents. Sometimes when things come up with our dc, they’re actually about us as children.

Does that mean it’s okay to shout and scream and be horrible? No. It’s not a free pass. But it sounds like with your ds he was just trying to have some space, maybe because he was tired or sad or frustrated or whatever. If he’s didn’t work on his own family stuff as part of the counselling he had, it may be worth doing it now.

I think you got to be a bit nasty as well to treat your child adopted or not like that. Ok inside you might not be cool with the idea but struggling to be kind to someone you see and watch grow up.. most ppl would get attached regardless to the child being there's or not.

This is really sad OP. The emotional turmoil for your DH is probably so much greater because his own family relationships aren’t good.

It sounds like he has a lot more healing to do. Having little kids can bring up buried pain in anyone and he has a lot of layers to this. I wouldn’t give up on him yet. It sounds like he needs more therapy and it needs to not be a secret, at least with the people in your lives you can trust to be supportive.

Aww OP this is so sad 😞
It doesn't sound salvageable really if he's got it into his head he hates your child, poor little soul...What if it escalates? The child will pick up on his hostility and it will lead to a whole host of issues.
Don't blame yourself though, no one held a gun to his head!

It can, sure, but there’s no guarantee - and what happens in the meantime?

I’d agree with you if he was taking it out on the wife. But how can he be so cruel as to take it out on the child?! Say he was thinking of leaving or whatever, if a 2 year old was trying to love you, you would at least fake interest while you decide what to do, FFS!

He is being eaten up inside by this, and clearly he isn't coping. The update about his family saying how he looks like him is heartbreaking, he just feel like he's had his insides ripped out every time someone says something.

And you say you don't know how that makes him feel, why on earth haven't you asked him? You can guess how it makes him feel right? If he's not even talking to you about it then it's all just festering inside him and being released in the wrong place ieb your son. You need to talk to him.

What are you going to do OP? I feel so much for you all but mostly for the little boy who must be getting so confused. Honestly I think you need a frank chat with your DH and if he can’t pull himself together, you and DS need to go it alone.

The thing is, OP's DH clearly feels like the little boy is a cuckoo in the nest. Not his at all.

When a woman conceives with a donor egg, she carries the child, her chemicals go into the foetus, the child's chemicals go into her. It is a totally different relationship.

When a couple conceives via sperm donation - the male has no physical connection to the child at all.

When a couple adopt a child - everyone knows about it. It's not a big secret. Both parents are similarly related to the child.

OP's DH clearly wanted the sperm donation to be a secret because he was embarrassed or ashamed, demasculated, you name it. When the boy was a baby, it wasn't so apparent. Now the child is talking and making specific demands of him, things are changing.

This.

You are living a lie and the enormity of living with that is taking its toll.

it sounds like he feels very isolated as he cannot talk about this to friends and family.

He absolutely should not be taking it out on his little boy of course.

I said I hated my eldest and wished she'd never been born when she was about 2 or 3. Was at breaking point with her.

I'm sure other parents have as well.

This is heartbreaking, OP. For the sake of your DS, I think at the very least, you should have a separation as soon as possible until your DH can sort through his feelings and decide if he can love this child and be a proper father to him. Can you take DS somewhere, or can/will DH move out for a while? This situation cannot sustain itself and will truly damage your son with each day it continues, as this kind of rejection isn't just confusing to him but will impact him and all other future relationships he has as a teen and adult.

Clearly, DH is very, very unhappy to be treating a child he once cared for like this. He has to do the work to change his attitude in order to move forward, or he needs to admit that he can't do this after all and let you and DS go. It would not be fair to DS for DH to stick around only to treat him this way.

Your DH has said he hates your child. I understand this was said in the midst of an argument but those are words you need to take seriously. A separation is needed. Pronto.

These are my thoughts too. Does he really regret using donor sperm - bearing in mind he was initially fab with your DS - or is he just overwhelmed with the very full-on-ness of toddlerdom?

I had 3 v close together and vividly remember going to sit in the car for a bloody good scream one day when they were 2/4 years old because i felt completely overwrought and for a few moments regretted my life choices. Pre school years can be hard - these cuddly babies suddenly develop mobility, opinions and attention spans of around 2 seconds.

It might be that your DH thinks his lack of understanding/attachment/patience is coming from the fact this isn't his bio child, but it might not be that at all. A good counsellor might be able to help him see the wood for the trees.

Husband can't help how he feels; I'm sure he doesn't want to feel that way, nobody would.

As for the circumstances of the child's conception being a secret, nobody would want the world and his wife knowing about it, it's private. Maybe tell the child when he is old enough to understand.

It's an awful dilemma. In your place, op, I would want to live apart from my husband and see if he can sort out his feelings, or not. He knows it isn't your son's fault and, legally, the child is his so he has some responsibility.