Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

I've not read everything (I've read all your posts on this) so apologies if I'm repeating others here.
I think you shouldn't concentrate on the donor aspect of this without also considering the impact of his own childhood and anything else going on at the moment.

There may be some truth in what he said about being tired from work. He may be then struggling to deal with a 2yr old mithering him in a way he might cope better with if he wasn't tired. I suspect there's an element here that he doesn't have the emotional resources because he can't draw on positive childhood experiences himself. - he's struggling to see this from the child's point of view.

That in turn might be then 'explained' to himself as being because of the donor situation.

I'm not saying it's not relevant. I'm not saying it isn't the only issue. Just that it struck me that it might be more complex because of his father not being a great parenting model.

I also agree that it can't help to constantly be told DS looks like daddy if her feels insecure about it because it's just reminds him all the time that he wasn't able to have a biological child. And by making it secret it's compounding the idea that it's shameful.

He clearly needs to do one of 3 things,
a. get some therapy and counselling about his feelings and also about his own childhood.
b. If he is able to take it on board, do his own research into the psychological issues here and reflect.
c. Leave.

If he's not able to meaningfully do a or b and isn't willing to do c then I'm afraid you need to force him to leave it get out.

I really feel for both of you. 💐

He's been increasingly distant towards your DH for the last 6 months and says he hates him? There's no poor DH about this situation, you don't have to be blood related to love a child and show them affection. You can't have someone who says they hate your DS living under the same roof as him. Your DS will notice one day that his dad resents him, you must leave your H before that happens.

I’m not in the LTB group often (or ever) because relationships are nuanced, and I can understand that as DS changes maybe there is ‘less’ of him in similar looks to DH- but I’m sorry- I could not stay with a man who states he hates a child, will always hate him, and has no I retest in looking into talking to someone ASAP. Having people say DS is the spit of him would be hard I’d imagine: and seeing DS become his own person, and maybe thinking his personality is more like his sperm donor I also understand but as the adult he needs to deal with it. Your son does not deserve to grow up thi king he isn’t worthy and chasing his dad’s attention

I think if he is refusing to get therapy about his feelings for DS, then you need to leave him OP for the sake of your child. If he is like this with him now, he could get a lot worse as DS gets older.

are you serious?? No most parents don’t go through phases of hating their child. That’s insane.

You do need to protect your son. The relationship has to end before your husband attitude towards him affects him. Really feel for you.

Your poor DH, yourself and your little one.

Haven't any suggestions, but sending strength if you are ok with that.

This is heartbreaking.

100% agree
Hes an adult who literally chose this
the poor baby asked for none of it ☹️ the long term impact of being rejected by a primary caregiver at such a young age will be devastating. But his selfish “father” only gives a shit about himself.

I cant believe the amount of people defending the poor dh being sad about not having a biological link to this child.

Hes a fucking man baby who needs to buck his ideas up and go to therapy or leave rather than ignoring and going cold on a literal toddler and telling his mom he hates him and refusing to cuddle or show him any affection.

My sympathy goes to the poor little lad who doesn't deserve the only father hes ever known to treat him like that.

Because he obviously didn't realise how he would feel once DS was growing up. Did he? Or are you saying he knew he would feel this shit about the whole thing?

Looking from the outside

In the past before the invention of IVF & DNA some people found other methods of having children.
Or they had no children.

I wonder if your DH is feeling that his/your lives would be better without children ?

I wonder if your DH, now sees you give all your love & attention to your child & less to your him.

I think that your DH is struggling to communicate how he feels, so he lumps it all into one feeling of "hate". However, he probably has lots of different feelings bundled into one.

Being a parent is not easy.

I also think that he should take a week & go away & decide if he wants to stay & have a family life or walk away forever.

There's so many posters here agree with, including the ones that state how this is one of saddest I've seen on mn. @ClawFriend I can't imagine what emotional turmoil you're going through. Definitely go to the DCN but for you and DS.
your H while he may having difficulties, the fact he's refusing counselling and expects to be in a family where he openly states he hates his child??? He can fuck off.

I'm so sorry for you OP. Sounds to me like your DS has got to an exhausting tricky phase and your DH is using the sperm donor background as an excuse to be an arsehole. I don't feel sorry for him. You both went into this with your eyes open. If he can't cope that's on him. Definitely ultimatum time. Step up or fuck off.

I hope my post doesn’t seem insensitive but this is like a sliding doors moment with how my life panned out…

My DH has azoospermia, we tried ivf (through surgical sperm retrieval) but it failed, it was too heavy on my mind & body that I said I couldn’t face another round.
We then discussed our options and were told it would be adoption, sperm donor or no children.

My DH basically said (I’m paraphrasing) that he did not like the idea of using a sperm donor for multiple reasons that he explained but said he understood it was a lot to ask me to never experience pregnancy due to his own hang ups and insecurities and that he ‘knew’ he would love the child as his own so it was my choice.

I realised that wasn’t enough reassurance for me, and I always said ‘you can’t miss what you haven’t had’ so I decided to not go down that path as I was more fearful of doing it and losing my DH if we had a child and he couldn’t get past it not being biologically his.

HOWEVER, I know 100% in my heart that if we had had a child via sperm donor and my fears had come true and my DH just couldn’t accept him, that I would have walked. I wanted children so desperately as I wanted to love and protect them, but I love my DH more than any unknown children to have risked it. But known children are different, it was a decision you made together and he did not keep up his end of the bargain, but you went in to it knowing the risks and you need to be the one who protects your child from the fallout of it.

You worked so hard to get your son because he was so badly wanted, and he is all that not matters, you will be fine just you and him ❤️

You need to be clear, this is obviously extremely hard for your dh but either he gets help and learns to accept the situation and work at loving ds as his own. Or it’s over.

But her child still isn't biologically hers so it really isn't that different. Men never go through pregnancy and birth so that isn't the issue for her DH. It's the fact that he isn't his biological son.

I didn’t say it was the same, I was just adding context for my suggestion of contacting DCN as I have a lived experience of using them for support/info.

For what it’s worth I never felt like a ‘real’ mum for a very long time as there was always a bit of imposter syndrome going on due to the DEIVF. Therapy for PTSD linked to traumatic baby loss issues helped me to reconcile the imposter mum syndrome too.

Just because I was pregnant and gave birth it didn’t give me a free pass to a rosy start to parenthood.

My late husband's children were adopted. Nevertheless, I could see that his son had similar personality traits to DH.

Dear @ClawFriend This is one of the saddest threads I’ve read on here … It’s heartbreaking.

Perhaps you could go and get some professional help or advice on how to deal with this. It is so complex. He has been a good dad and if he’s normally a good husband I wouldn’t be tempted to give up on this marriage just yet.

xxxx

Think that's a bit different. After all you still went through the pregnancy and birth

It sounds as if he might be very scared of rejection once your ds knows he isn’t his biological father, and that he feels jealous and inadequate seeing all the fuss and love for a child he didn’t father. I say this with kindness - I have experience of this situation. The ‘he looks like you’ comments are hollow to him. He loved him as a little baby but as your DC getting older, perhaps he’s fearful of getting attached. What I found helped is showing how much his little boy loves him and reassuring him that he was a wonderful daddy - the other man is a donor and not his daddy and can never replace him. I hope this helps a little. I just have a feeling that this irrational ‘hate’ he speaks of all of a sudden comes from fear that not everyone on here will understand.

Sounds like your DH goes into flight mode - his urge is to cut and run - when things get hard. He wanted to leave when it was discovered he was infertile and now he's in another hard place - parenting a toddler.

He's being honest about how he feels. He hasn't just walked out and left you without a word

Perhaps one of the answers might be to stop being secretive, maybe starting with your family if they'd be more supportive. Then he doesn't have to keep hearing comments about his they look alike.

But I do suspect from what he said that he's finding parenting hard and that if he didn't have that reason to justify his he feels there would be another

In your shoes I'd not being it up for a bit - I think otherwise it will entrench how he feels. Parenting a toddler is hard and he's hardly the first parent to wonder if they are up for the job. Given how he was when your son was a baby it's possible things will shift again as your son grows.

Mum of a child conceived with a donor egg here, honestly a lot of the time I forget that my child was donor conceived. We are so similar in personality that it’s scary! The Donor Conception Network may be able to point you both to some local support groups. Not sure if it will help but an honest conversation about what to do is probably the best way forward.

He will not go to therapy, and he doesn't seem to understand the gravity of what he is saying. I think if he's saying it he's been feeling it for a long time and grappling with it. I wonder if he would be prepared to attend couples counselling on the guise of discussing the impact on your relationship. Unfortunately, 8f he's not going to engage in therapy or he has no intention of changing his mindset then your done. You have no option but to walk away.