Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

I didn’t realise this was a secret from everyone! I think that was a mistake! You two need to sit down and have a civilised talk about how you go forwards with this. Being a secret has put a different slant on it (though still unacceptable behaviour from him).

I had a hard time bonding with my daughter and the more human she got the harder I found it. I had a difficult relationship with my mum and it took time and therapy for me to see I wasn't going to be replicating the issues from my childhood and processing my relationships with the "mothers" in my life.

I had 18 months of therapy through the infant parenting service and it was amazing. We explored what being a parent and a mother meant to me. We did something called vig therapy where we were recording playing and the therapist would pull out second length clips showing aspects of parenting we had agreed to look at for this block of sessions.

Firstly, if he can't play pretend that he is happy around your little boy he probably wants to spend a lot less time with him on his own. If it's one does the cooking or housework and the other is on child duty it's going to be have to be cooking/housework duty. It's not fair for him to have a play parent that doesn't want to play and is emotionally and physically putting distance between the two of them
He needs to get some therapy to work on his issues and he has to really think about whether he's all in. Kids needs parents that are fully in most of the time if he can't commit to that it's time for the question about the role he does want in his life so you can build your lives around that. Continuing as you are is going to be no good for any of you.

Actually by treating them nicely it can become genuine affection.

It's hard to tell from what you've written whether the source of DH's emotional problems is his feelings about your DS's conception, or whether he is otherwise depressed (or some other MH issue) and its being focalised through your DS. Is he withdrawn generally, exhausted, irritable, not getting joy where he used to? Those would suggest a broader depressive illness might be at play. Either way his behaviour is deeply unfair to your DS and absolutely can't continue, but it does change the route you might take forward.

If you think he's depressed, can you suggest he sees a dr about medication and counselling? His response to this suggestion will probably shape how you want to move forward.

I also agree that you cannot continue to keep this secret from your families and close friends. What a massive burden on everyone. I wonder whether a support group for couples who used egg and sperm donation might help.

Irrespective of who should be doing what
I'd get two things going now, today.

1. couples therapy
2. Shortlist solo therapists for him to select and arrange to see. (Check your work policies they often cover this)

Id use these spaces to address "the secret" which i dont think is helping your dh at all even it is was his choice

You need to start to address it now or its the beginning of the end.

I was shocked at the development between 2 amd 3.
In less than 12m that child is going to see hear and understand almost everything.
While they wont be able to fully process it they WILL know something is up with daddy and it WILL impact your son.

Good luck this sounds so tough

DH’s family don’t know and they always make comments like “oh he’s got your eyes” or “he’s the spit of you” — big blue eyes etc. DH usually just nods along but I’ve no idea how it makes him feel really.

Well, for heaven’s sake, how do you think it makes him feel?! Like he’s going to be living with a secret for the rest of his life, and that he’s always going to be reminded that his son isn’t his biological child. Living with secrets is exhausting, and takes up so much emotional energy that could be better used elsewhere. This is probably causing him a lot of stress, especially if his family is “always” making comments about how your son looks like him.

Did the two of you discuss what to tell your son about the fact that he was conceived with donor sperm? If your husband’s relatives don’t know, it sounds like either you plan to not tell your son; you do plan to tell your son, and they’ll find out when he does; or you’re going to tell your son and want him to to keep the secret too. Three bad ideas.

The issue with telling OP's DS is that they will then have to tell his whole family, their close friends, etc.

I can't even begin to imagine how that will feel for OP's DH, as they've kept it a secret until now.

This is complex. My husband and I talked donor sperm when we found out he was infertile due to a varicocele, and he thought about it and really didnt want to do it. In the end ICSI worked for his own sperm, we were lucky. If not we'd have had to be child less.

In one way it was very selfless for your husband to go down this route, as its not like adoption where neither of you are biologically related. The fact his behaviour changed when your son became a toddler and grew into his unique features speaks volumes. A baby often must looks like a baby so perhaps he found it easier then, but now he's seeing features he doesn't recognise in his son, he is struggling.

Saying all that, he absolutely must not be behaving like this to his child, he needs serious therapy or to be honest and talk it over with you. If he can't do that then the relationship is over, it's a heart breaking situation you're in.

I agree. It means your DH can't reach out for support from anyone. He has to lie to his whole family.

By the way, in adoption we are taught to bring the child up 'knowing'. 2 is not too young to start. There will be advice out there on how to word it. Better to know he has a Donor Dad as well as his Real Dad (or whatever the recommended wording is) before he understands fully. Otherwise when will he be old enough? It will get harder and harder to tell.

Those comments from your DH’s family must be such a punch in the gut every time he hears them.

It sounds like there is a lot to unravel here. I feel awful for all of you.

Your husband needs to go to therapy.

in the meantime you need to
start quietly prepping for your likely divorce.

My father was adopted by his step-dad. They were absolutely bonded and their relationship didn’t even start until my dad was a bit older. DNA doesn’t matter. It’s about being there day after day and loving your child.

you can’t keep your son in a house where he isn’t loved unconditionally.

The fact that you haven’t told anyone makes the situation worse. Like you have a shameful secret that he is carrying alone.

Also:

DH didn’t have a great relationship with his dad growing up (or either parent really), so I didn’t think he’d turn cold like this.

If he didn’t have a great relationship with either parent, he didn’t have good role models, and it’s fairly common for parents to revert to how their parents acted when they’re stressed - even if, consciously, they recognize that their parents weren’t great parents. Sometimes people need to learn another way, not just in a vague sense - “I want to be a better dad than my dad was” - but in the specifics.

Either way. Your husband needs to acknowledge his feelings in order to move forward and be a father or leave and not be one. Deep seated resentment and unresolved issues are not good for anybody in this situation.

Legally, your son is your husband’s child, but biologically, there’s no getting around the fact that this is your baby with another man. Not a man you knew, not a man you had sex or a relationship with, not a man you cheated on on your husband with - but the cultural and psychological implications of “during our marriage, another man fathered my wife’s baby” can be very deep and difficult. I wonder if when your son was a baby, there was so much to do to take care of him that your husband didn’t have the mental space to think of too much beyond what your son needed immediately, but now that he’s older, your husband’s had time to think about the implications of having used a sperm donor.

l’m assuming your husband is not a hateful person, and I’m wondering if there’s some serious depression going on here. Whatever the issue is, your son needs to live in a home with parents who are connecting to him. I’d consider a separation from your husband and some major couples counseling to see if you can overcome this. I don’t think you should immediately give up an entire marriage because of something he said when you confronted him and tensions were running high. I went through some very intense depression when my children were babies, and while I never said I hated either of them, I had moments when I thought things I didn’t really mean - that my younger daughter “didn’t fit into the family,” for example.

I never said his behaviour was okay.

But not raising a child at all would be infinitely easier than raising one that’s not yours for the rest of your life.

Did he have any counselling when you made the decision?

A lot of thoughtful responses already OP but would echo that he has unresolved feelings around his fertility issues (understandable, that's tough on most people) and there is a real possibility that your son is another reminder of that. He probably beats himself up a lot that your son is not biologically his, that he couldn't give you a child from himself.

Your son wanting another level of engagement with your partner and becoming a lot more of a person in their own right has probably just heightened the above.

Of course it's not fair on a child, however your partner needs therapy OR he needs to admit now that this isn't ever going to work for him, he cannot see it and as brutal as it is, bows out now before your child gets even more attached.

A very hard and sad situation for you all. Your husband needs some counselling (I'd go private) to attempt to resolve things. If he won't or it doesn't work you need to call ut a day for yoyr son's sake.

I know other people with egg donor kids and they don't suffer from these issues.

I hope you do get things sorted out.

He needs some significant counselling but that requires him to want to work on his difficulties and commit to parenting a child he agreed to bring in to the world. You need to talk to him about what he wants and if he wants to remain in the relationship and a part of your family. Is there anyone in your support network that may also be able to talk to him about how he’s feeling and can gently encourage him to get help?

Reading your reply - could something else be going on and he’s using this as an excuse to lash out? Amy other changes in your own relationship, staying out more etc?

Urgh, this is so sad to read OP. I really feel for you and your little boy. I don't have anything to add but I really hope your DH work through this and be the best Dad for your child.

I agree. That is one of the dangers of donors, surely all that was explained to you before you went ahead but I suppose you don't really know until you've done it. Obviously your desire for a child of your own trumped all other needs. I really wish sperm (& egg), donation had never been thought of, frankly, and that infertile couples found fulfilment in other ways. Being childless is not the end of the world.

Agree with everyone who says he needs more therapy and some understanding. However, it would be unwise to stay living together while this is ongoing. He literally shouted that he hates the child in the house. It’s not a safe space for your son right now. It might be after he works on himself.