To not want my parents to go in my bedroom (I'm 33 yrs old)

That's the result of the drip feed.

I haven’t read the full thread, but just want to say that I really empathise with how you feel @Gummybearmum. I am not saying you are reasonable or otherwise but I feel exactly the same, as I have a close relative who constantly seems to find excuses to do the same and it feels like a bit of an invasion of my privacy.

I grew up in a fairly chaotic household with multiple siblings (including a sister who loved raking through my private stuff) so I think this is why I guard my own space quite jealously.
I also know this relative is prone to a bit of snooping so it puts me on edge and deters me from using them for babysitting.

It's absolutely ok for people to have different interpretations of the purpose of a bedroom but I consider it to be my haven / private space, particularly because even if the rest of the house is presentable and tidy, it's the one room where if I'm in a rush, there might be clothes in the bed, yesterday's knickers on the floor waiting to go to the laundry basket etc.

Would you be able to have a conversation with her about this? Just to help her understand how you feel? I was nervous of doing this for a long time but have recently done so. She thought I was being ridiculous but I just reiterated the point and asked her to respect how I feel about this.

Oh we have descended into rage 😂

I will go against the grain here.

How many of you would want your MIL snooping around your bedroom? I certainly wouldn't! OP husband has every right to feel like it is an invasion of privacy because it is.

Just because OP parents are kindly offering childcare it doesn't mean they need to go anywhere near her bedroom.

OP just get a lock for the door.

Get a grip and stop acting like an ungracious, ungrateful brat.

I wouldn't like it at all...especially as partners room aswell.. private space

OP I think the drip feed didn't help at the beginning as first comment does across as a touch ungracious.

I grew up in a household where it was a very open door policy, no room was off limits and although I don't think that lifestyle is for everyone, I don't think it is weird. Even as you get older. It's almost like a habit you have to retrain your brain for.

As for your mother going into your bedroom currently, it feels like you have a few options.
You could have a grown up conversation about your boundary and explain it is no longer just your bedroom and that it makes hubby uneasy, if it persists you will consider putting a lock on the door.
You could ask her to have the baby at her house which will have to have a reason for it.
Or you could put a lock on the door. The last 2 options run a risk of upsetting her and you might lose your free childcare.

I suspect DM doesn't even think that she is causing an issue as it is a lifelong habit for her. I don't think its sinister going into your room. Perhaps she doesn't see the issues that arise with your partner(and yourself) about privacy.

Obv if she ignores your request, then I would think it is deliberate and would question her intentions. Good luck either way.

So do I, but sadly my parents live too far away for this to work.

If they did do it though, I still wouldn't expect them to want or need to go into my bedroom.

The two things are mutually exclusive, surely?

I understand your point as my father was very controlling when I was growing up, he is very nosey and he would also snoop around my things. Therefore, I would hate for him to be in my house alone as I know he would snoop through everything - my mother on the other hand wouldn’t and doesn’t so I wouldn’t worry about her going in to my room to leave ironing etc. I have a key lock on my bedroom door and I had it put in when I was renovating part of my house, so that I could keep one room locked with items I wanted out of the way from all the people coming and going.

I totally empathise with this, I experienced similar growing up and it makes me feel very protective of my privacy. Even now, in my 40s and surrounded by people I trust and who trust me, I hide things that there's no real reason to hide.

I would mention it to them OP, i agree they shouldn't be going in your bedroom without your say so, it is a private space, my mum and mother in law both babysit for us and have never gone in our room and wouldn't without us there, just like when we visit them we don't go in their bedrooms unless asked to to look at something.

I think I understand you and I don't find you unreasonable. It's tricky because you don't want to be 'difficult' or seem ungrateful, and yet you (and your husband) feel uncomfortable about this. You just want to keep this ONE room private. I would gently tell them ...

I know! This has completely baffled me and its got me quite angry on OP’s behalf tbh. So what, when these posters become grandmother’s themselves they will be offering free childcare and will therefore absolutley have the right to snoop anywhere they like, they will absolutley have the right to disregard their daughter’s/DIL’s concerns, they will absolutley have the right to just not listen to a damned thing that child’s mother has to say, because, well “I’m doing free childcare” 🤯🤯 Good luck in future with that attitude.

I wish my parents

1. Looked after my DC

If you read all OP's posts, particularly the ones about her childhood, you would be aware that her mum wouldn't react positively to OP politely asking her to respect her boundaries and not go into her bedroom.

OP and her siblings had absolutely no privacy from their parents growing up, to the point that it almost sounds abusive.

I know you know now it's her own place, but for anyone in doubt, even if it was a bedroom in her parents house, this doesn't give the parents the right to walk in to their bedroom just because it's in their house, just because they want to.
Obviously if there was an emergency or it was a safeguarding issue it would be different but this isn't like that.

I presume to emphasise that she isn't young enough for her mother to possibly feel that she can ignore her daughter's wishes. I'm not sure why you are like a dog with a bone about this though. How is OP saying that she is 33, so a mature adult and not a teenager being goady?

I would also not like it. Just because someone is helping doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be any boundaries. If someone wants and is willing to help doesn’t mean they are allowed to do whatever they want in their grown child’s home. It’s only mothers that see their kids as an extension of themselves that don’t care whatsoever about their grown child’s feelings, likes and wants that think rules never apply to them. Even if they’ve been told many, many times. It’s the whole attitude of I’m helping so I can do whatever I want. I’ll treat their home as my home and I can go into whatever room I please and snoop at everything. This is how you know it’s not done out of kindness but but manipulation and control. Now I’ve done this for you I can do whatever I want. If you complain about my lack of boundaries you are ungrateful. You can help while being respectful. When I’ll help my children I’ll make sure I respect what my grown child’s and their partner’s wishes are. What you said about not having any privacy growing up and them coming into the bathroom while in the bath when you were into your 20’s is outrageous. Literally belittling! If you don’t want someone to see you naked you have every right to that even if it’s your parents! They’ve invalidated your feelings and need for privacy and now doing it in your own home! If I was helping out a friend with childcare I wouldn’t ignore her requests of what happens in her own home. It’s like saying I’m helping you so you have to put up with me doing whatever I want I want.

Did you see the part where I said ‘I think’?
That means, in my opinion, that it’s lovely and I’d be very grateful.

Edited as I’d misread and thought OP lived with her parents.

For the posters who are saying that OP isn't in a position to complain because she's getting free childcare - are you saying that if she were to pay her mum then she'd be entitled to think that her mum shouldn't go in her bedroom, but it she doesn't then she can't? I genuinely don't understand the logic - bedrooms are generally understood to be a private space so I don't understand how 'free childcare' supercedes.

I often dogsit for my MIL. She doesn't pay me to do this but funnily enough it hadn't occurred to me to start snooping around her bedroom when she's not around.

This is why we need the laughing emoji, or maybe this 😭

I just can't imagine opening the door and walking into my dcs room they share with their partner in their house for no good reason.
But equally I don't walk into the bathroom when they're in their either.

Your update regarding your childhood, puts a whole new perspective on this OP.That was controlling and abusive, regardless of why they did it. Stand up for yourselves. Make it clear your bedroom is private. Given their history however, I don't think this will stop them. Can you switch to their house? However, I'd be thinkung about whether they will allow your child privacy as they grow up around them? Please make sure your children have a different experience to you.

Obviously so but OP is only providing further context with her age.

The start of this is fine but I'd stop talking at "dps space too".
Telling a grown woman who has raised kids of her own that hot irons can be dangerous around babies is patronising as fuck. I can't imagine she was holding the dd in one hand and ironing in the other, she probably did it while dd was napping or op's dad had her.

I think it's rude to go into another person's bedroom if the door is shut and it's not in your house and you've not asked permission.

Everyone deserves privacy.

I think you should put a lock on your door.