To not want my parents to go in my bedroom (I'm 33 yrs old)

If someone did my ironing for me, folded it and put it on my bed I think I would faint with happiness. Your mum loves you and she has done something that she naturally thought would help you. It does not sound as if she is snooping around

Spoilt because she has some help with childcare from family? What on earth...😂😂😂😂😂

I have never had the benefit of parents or in laws to help with my kids. As a disabled mum to kids with sen I have been shocked over and over at how my friends treat the grandparents who enable them to work, go on weekends away and keep their houses immaculate and cook dinner etc while they do it.
People’s levels of entitlement is shocking sometimes

Yes and they're the posters I'm referring to.

I agree that given the history here OP should seriously consider alternative childcare, as I don't think her mum can be trusted not to invade her privacy. I'm sure this is already on OP's mind but I would also be concerned about my children's privacy as they grow up.

it always surprises me when people on here use their relative for free childcare but then complain about them.

Most grandparents I know who provide childcare do so without any expectations of financial reimbursement - it's only on MN that I see the term 'free childcare' used as the general term for what is essentially grandparents providing childcare. It's also only on Mumsnet that I see that lack of financial reimbursement as a reason to accept unacceptable behaviour.

Well maybe a few posters have that strange attitude.

its quite simple as far as I can see. A parent who has no respect for boundaries and has breached them in quite an abusive way is not one Id want looking after my precious children. it always surprises me when people on here use their relative for free childcare but then complain about them. If it’s a minor irritation thing then yes, you should suck it up if you want a freebie. when its a serious thing like this- snooping through adult daughter’s room, and with a history of opening and reading her post - wtaf are you doing still letting her come and provide childcare?

Do you think this comment was asute and emotionally intelligent?

Put your son into childcare then?
honestly the batshit nonsensical rules pejole try to enforce upon their own parents offering free childcare is wild.

Absolutely agree with you, however it may work. some parents may provide free childcare but it isn’t emotionally free.

My Parents insisted on providing one or two days childcare for my son when he was preschool, even though I had childcare arranged. It wasn’t convenient, it was a 45 minute round trip to their house before work and after work, just so they could tell their friends (and me) how wonderful they were. When he went to school they insisted on one day a week picking him up from school and taking him to our house even though the childminder we used lived on our road. They’d get cross if I put him in holiday club as ‘they couldn’t see him and it was their turn’

They would never provide other babysitting or childcare as they ‘did so much for me’ in the week. Even now my mother likes to tell me how wonderful she was. If I asked to visit on a weekend they were ‘Busy with their social life’

I May have had some ‘free’ childcare bar the extra petrol, but it was definitely emotionally expensive.

what I’m trying to say is free childcare isn’t always at the posters request or what they wanted / needed.

I agree it takes an astute & emotionally intelligent person to tease out the real reasons for the upset which is exactly what happened when posters suggested she was being entitled etc. Perhaps they are the emotionally intelligent & astute people given the OP was eventually moved to share the bigger picture.

I’d just leave a load of sex toys on the bed

You have to set your own boundaries of course.

It's nice that they did the ironing though. If your mum likes doing it then maybe leave it downstairs and put a lock on the bedroom door, so they don't have a reason or an opportunity to ferret about in your room. It seems that a good compromise could be reached without causing offence.

I regularly look after my grandson in his own home and wouldn't dream of going into any bedroom but his unless invited. I doubt if my daughter would care either way but my son-in-law might.
Mind you, I wouldn't dream of doing their ironing either.

Well your mum sounds a bit controlling and nosey and it affected you when you were young so I can understand why you might feel that way now.

You have to weigh up whether you want her to look after your child in these circumstances, have the benefit of them bonding with your parents (no privacy issues at this stage) or whether you would prefer to pay for childcare and keep her at arms length.

What you cannot easily do is have her look after your child but feel uncomfortable/make her feel uncomfortable about being in your space because that will just cause you all tensions and stress.

I'm not misinterpreting. Example comments before OP had mentioned her mum's history of not respecting boundaries:

If you are that fussed pay for childcare and contain your mother to the ground floor.

Put your son into childcare then? Honestly the batshit nonsensical rules pejole try to enforce upon their own parents offering free childcare is wild.

Don't you hate it when the free childcare and housekeeping services think they have the run of the place?

There's we plenty of similar comments since and we know not everyone RTFT.

I can't quite work out if it's driven by parents who are jealous that they don't get the same support from their parents/in-laws or grandparents who are projecting because their children/in-laws have imposed similar boundaries.

It's OK to have reasonable boundaries when inviting people into your home (unpaid or otherwise). Not coming into your bedroom is a reasonable boundary which can be understood by most people.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP! I am shocked at the poll result, currently 50-50.

I share your concern and would not want ANYONE in my personal space when at my home, whether that is our bedroom or my office. A boundary is a boundary no matter what the situation. This is why I have never trusted anyone to be alone in our home without us. My Mum was also a snooper and I will not even let her feed the cats while we are away, for this very reason. She snooped often when I was a kid, so she has never been given the opportunity to do so since.

If I was in your situation, I would consider putting a lock on the door. Sends a simple message. If it gives mummy the snots then that can only be because she wants to snoop. You and your partner need to accept that mummy has laid on yourbed, gone thru your drawers and located your sex toys (a locked box could help in future). She knows far more than you would like her to, I assure you. Hopefully she hasn't experimented with any of them, lol. Sorry OP!

When our little one was little, it was either they stay at Grandma's house or go to daycare. There was never an option of looking after them in our home alone.

This is not ok. My mum was a snooper. Read diaries etc as I was deliberately putting untruths in and catching her out. So I started writing what a dickhead she was for reading personal diaries. It meant I stopped keeping a diary which I had done since I was quite young as I watched a blue Peter with a lady in her 80s who had about 70 years of diaries and I was younger.

feels like a violation. Can you kid go to their house now they are a bit older?
they aren’t respecting your house and your rules. Get a lock on the door but make sure everything they might need is out.

Just tell her that you’d rather she didn’t go in your bedroom.
If she does it again, consider alternative childcare.

I’m struggling to understand the comments about if you don’t like them going in your room pay for childcare etc…… OP is a grown woman, why are they going in her and partners personal space and what for ? There is no reason for them to do that, my dad was the same when I lived at home - never any privacy, letters opened, pictures etc taken from my room and destroyed - he’s a nosey bastard and I wouldn’t be happy with him now snooping in my own home regardless if there’s nothing to be found - it’s a personal space between adults where I’m sure adult shenanigans take place - stay the fuck out !! pop a lock on the door and if they ask about it tell them straight it’s because of you !!

Op my mum would go through my handbag after I left home and came back to visit her. I was tempted to put something shocking in there for her to find. However on balance I'd not have look after my kids regularly.

I think you either trust her or you don't. No amount of free childcare would let me leave my child with someone I basically didn't trust. My kids are more important than my handbag.

Without your backstop I'd say yabu. But knowing your parents barged into you naked regularly you have got bigger issues than your mum ironing your knickers.

Do you want her walking in on your naked kids at a later stage?

So in your case yanbu but personally as someone who's mum was abusive you might be in fog by using her for childcare. It's all a bit mixed up really knowing what's OK if you childhood was like yours

I have read them. I am in complete agreement with OP. I was pointing out that poor OP should be in a position where she should be able to ask her mother to keep out and her mother should be respectful of her wishes, but she is not. I was trying to tell another poster that “providing free childcare” does not gove OP’s mother the tight to completely disregard or disrespect her wants and needs.

I've missed.lost of the conversation but @Gummybearmum YANBU

I hate the idea of my mum going on my room, and I'm 45. This also stems from a complete lack of privacy growing up. She used to go into my room when I was a teenager and search for something, anything she could get annoyed with. She would search my school bag for notes to or from friends and use it as some weird evidence of how awful I was as a person.

A few years ago she found Some shoe boxes I had saved things in when I was a teenager, including diaries. I had no idea they still existed. She read them. And took many opportunities to rip me apart because of something I'd written when I was 14.

She reads post addressed to me to my own address and given the opportunity will snoopy in my childrens' rooms too.

It makes me feel unwell, like she is crawling all over any private thoughts or belongings. And I don't even have anything remotely unpleasant or... personal anywhere. She just needs to know everything. It's like she's constantly trying to get into my thoughts and find out that either I hate her or that I'm a bad person.

I think some people just don't really get it, unless they've had this experience.

I'm sure you've had plenty advice, but I'd probably keep the bedroom door shut. And say she doesn't need to do any housework, she's there to spend time having fun with her grandchild, and no other expectations of her.

I do feel for you.

Well it’s good feedback for those who have reacted to that that they may want to work on their emotional intelligence. I would also say that sometimes it doesn’t occur to the op that this is why it’s bothering them and it needs an astute poster to ask the right questions

I think you’re misinterpreting here. I don’t think anyone is saying free childcare means she can snoop wherever she likes. I think what people are saying is, knowing the mother doesn’t respect boundaries and privacy in a way which has actually been quite abusive, why on earth would you want her providing childcare? She can’t be trusted to respect boundaries. That was certainly my point.

it doesn’t have to be a case of preventing the mother from bonding with her grandchild. The OP can invite them to her home when she’s there, she can visit her parents’ home, she can do days out with them…

the mother is completely out of order in what she’s doing, but there’s a a very simple solution: take her out of the ‘childcare while I work’ situation, pay for proper childcare and let her just be a grandma.

I think a lot of us probably knew this was the case, it’s what it brings up for you. So it’s not that she is going into your bedroom as an adult. No you aren’t unreasonable it’s taking you back to that younger you where you had no power. X

I’m a gm who provides 2 days and an overnight childcare each week. We (my dh is a very active gd) nearly always do it from our home but have occasionally done the childcare at my dds house.
No way would I ever enter her bedroom - it’s an invasion of privacy in my eyes. It’s her and her dhs personal, private space.

I admit I’ve done her ironing a few times but I’ve asked her first and her ironing pile is always in the utility room.
Life is hard for working mums with babies/toddlers.

Yes and hence why the voting is going the way it is.