To not want my parents to go in my bedroom (I'm 33 yrs old)

She won't abide by that boundary going off her past behaviour of invading your privacy. I cannot believe a parent thinks it is okay to go into the bathroom when you know your adult child is in there naked.

Get a lock fitted for your door. Lots of helpful videos on youtube on how to do this. ProperDIY channel has one about fitting hinges and bathroom mortices which is probably the best one I have seen. We have used this to change our internal doors. Personally I would instal a 5 lever mortice style, one with a key that you can take to work with you. If you can't fit that yourself, employ someone to come and do it.

I do (unpaid) favours for family members and friends like baby sitting or feeding pets while they're away. That doesn't give me carte blanche to do what I like in their homes.
Everyone has person boundaries and I respect other people's. Mine don't override theirs just because I'm doing them a favour.
When my Mum looked after DD, she'd ask if there was anything I'd like doing whilst she was there. It's respectful and helpful at the same time. Not hard.

How about they look after the child in their house instead?

You are not unreasonable. People with normal parents wont get it but I 100% do.

Unfortunately, I have found as my child has got older, that my parents actually aren't able to look after her, because they are unable to follow my boundaries around her and they continue to behave in a way that I found distressing when I was a child. It seemed easier when my child was much younger, but now she is old enough to be aware, I have had to curtail it. And that has brought with it a whole load of grief from my own experiences as a child, as well as the frustrations of not having grandparents that are able to support us either.

Completely get why you and your DH aren't happy with this behaviour... but I'm so massively torn with the idea of someone doing my ironing for me without needing to be asked or paid!

Can you make sure you get all your washing done and then leave it for her to iron and fold neatly each week?
She'll be too busy to do any snooping then! 😉

Yes and in the usual reciprocity of a family you're allowed to say "please don't go in our bedroom".

It's not just the op's space either, she shares it with her dp and the dm should respect both of them as adults.

This. She’s happy to get free childcare. Sounds a wee bit spoilt tbh

And when your teen brother asked them to respect his privacy… what did they do? Laugh at him and carry on disrespecting him

With respect, your dad was strolling in to the bathroom whilst his 20 year old daughter was starkers in the bath

Your benchmark for what is normal is probably a bit fucked op

I wouldn’t have your parents in sole care of my baby. Not a bloody chance

With all your updates in mind, I wouldn't leave them alone with the child. It's just too weird. I wouldn't want that kind of pattern repeat itself.

@Gummybearmum actually I've just read your updates and see that yes, your DM does have problems with boundaries.

There's nothing wrong with you not wanting her in your room.

But you probably need to factor in that to establish that boundary with her might affect your relationship and childcare.

I can imagine someone like her being deeply offended so having her do childcare might be complicating matters.
It shouldn't be like that, you're allowed to have boundaries, but I can imagine your DM saying something like "after all I do for you etc"

I dog sit for my same age Dd and sil I would never put stuff in their bedroom I don't need to be snooping about upstairs, if the mum is in the bedroom what else is she looking at? Letters lying in the kitchen or maybe drawers is that acceptable because family and free childcare, its such a shame the op thought her mum would be respectful in her home but as I said nosy people rarely change ime.

Not sure patronising her is the answer either really. She's obviously had children of her own so think she would be aware of hot irons around crawling babies.

OP, it sounds like you knew what your mum was like before you asked her to babysit. Perhaps ask her if you can drop the baby round to her house instead.

I think installing a door lock is reasonable under these circumstances. There are discreet ones like eg if you have round door knobs there's a lock design that integrates the keyhole into the knob, or a mortice type with a key that's more like a stick. If she says anything you can laugh it off as being an advance precaution as you know that once the baby is a toddler there will be no stopping him and you want to make sure he grows up understanding and respecting privacy and boundaries.

I don't think you are unreasonable, given that your mum has a history of being invasive like this.

This makes more sense why it’s such a big deal!
In which case, having put up with decades of similar behaviour from my parents I would say yes, work on your boundaries.
its interesting that you don’t feel comfortable to say to your parents ‘I’m going to keep our bedroom door shut while we’re out, feels weird anyone going in there’ let me guess, they have a history of being the injured victim if you ask for a reasonable boundary?
in my experience, I learnt the hard way, once you have kids with parents like that it’s like the floodgates open and they feel your home and life is accessible to them whenever they want so I’d be looking at setting the tone in a grown up, polite manner that you are entitled to privacy.

Surely if this were the case the op wouldn't have her child in the care of her parents at all?

Stop leaving your baby with very weird people op

Wait, your Dad came into the room when you were in the bath in your 20s? Very weird. I suggest lock on door if you need them to do childcare.

Wait, your Dad came into the room when you were in the bath in your 20s? Very weird. I suggest lock on door if you need them to do childcare.

Your mum's behaviour when you and your siblings lived at home was bordering on abusive. Did your dad used to come into the bathroom when you were having a bath when you were in your 20s? If so, that is a real red flag. Your parents didn't see you as autonomous adults separate from them, but extensions of themselves.

I would pay for childcare to stop these patterns repeating with your own child. What would they say/do if you put a padlock on your bedroom door? You husband doesn't like this either. Does he know what they were like when you lived at home?

It depends on the person

If my mil put a pile of ironing on my bed,I wouldn't give it a thought and I'd just thank her

If my own mother did the same I'd go batshit

The difference is,I adore my mil

She would have done it out of love and wouldn't have dreamed of nosing in drawers or my wardrobe,she would be in and out (in fact,unless invited she properly wouldn't dream of going into my bedroom)

My mother (who I'm nc with) is a narcissistic bitch who would have snooped at every square inch,every drawer,every pocket of my clothes and would have properly lifted the bloody carpet to have a nose

That's the difference

I'm going to go against the grain and say that if your door is shut then they shouldn't be going in there.

I hate my mum going into my bedroom, but then again, she's very nosy, so I know she will be looking at my things and judging them. My parents did to childcare for us and I just put up with it. I did ask them not to go in though, it wasn't fair on my now ExH to have his MIL poking about, so I would go at it from that angle.