To not want my parents to go in my bedroom (I'm 33 yrs old)

Regardless of the "drip feed" I stand by my point, her parents have no reason to go into her bedroom unless it's directly related to getting something they need to care for her DC. If the door is closed then the child can't crawl/wander in there causing them to follow. Just because they are caring for her DC does not mean they can wander freely in and out of her private space

If it worries you/your partner, just make sure the door is closed then the baby won’t be able to get in! You could ask your DM not to go into your room as DP likes to feel it’s a private space.

Just say to your mother you know she was trying to be helpful but you would rather she didn’t do your ironing (you could say it embarrasses your DP). Alternatively, just leave the ironing downstairs and let her do it if she wants to!

I once did a pile of ironing, mainly DD's partner's shirts, while I was looking after grandchild, while the baby was napping. My DD later asked me, with some embarrassment, not to do it again as it made her DP feel awkward and he was happy to do his own ironing. No problem, I just ignore the ironing heap now!

Some parents never grow up.

As in, they never develop and evolve as their children do and remain in adult / child mode forever.

Especially if they themselves had a shit childhood which sounds like the case. It may be she went through things you don't yet know about - I learned something 😬about my mum's childhood only recently.

So they never learned appropriate behaviour, boundaries and response. It's incredibly sad.

You have the opportunity to break this three generation pattern.

I know you're afraid of her reaction. You need to adult up, too. Maybe some therapy and assertiveness skills training could help you.

Your OH is quite right to want your privacy as a couple.

Practice your clear, calm statement to her.

'Mum, we really do appreciate your help and your time with DC. Please don't forget that our bedroom is our private space - if the door's closed, it's private. Now, do you fancy a piece of this cake?'

Then if it happens again, put a lock on your bedroom door.

(Why there wasn't a lock on your childhood / young adulthood bathroom may be a conversation for later.)

So your mum is a snooper with no regard for the privacy of family members as you were growing up.

I would have your DH put a lock on the door. No need to say anything at all.
If she asks, say he did it as he doesn’t like the idea of anybody in his private, personal space, his family have always been keen on privacy, - and actually you happen to agree with him.

If I know you're a snoop, you wouldn't be invited.

Even without the extra context that OP gave, this behaviour is still clearly unreasonable to somebody with healthy boundaries - either as the parent or as the adult child.

Can I come to yours and have a snoop around your bedroom in exchange for putting your bins out for you? I'm doing you a favour, so fair's fair, right?

No that's ridiculous

There is nothing wrong with expecting some privacy

If they had a home office, could the GPs go in there?

Can the OP go in her parents' room? Or her partner?

I voted yabu but seeing she has a history of snooping YANBU.

I'd not say anything. I'd just add a lock to the bedroom door. If she brings it up just say you are kid proofing your room now ds is getting older you don't want him crawling in there as it's a space for you and your husband as a couple not a family room.

Or don't add a lock and have some fun with it. Leave out a massive dildo, some porn mags, etc. 😏 make her regret snooping lol.

Not sure why there are so many replies basically saying you’re OTT @Gummybearmum, I’d feel the same! The issue is the invasion of privacy - I thought it was just standard to not want your family or friends to go into your bedroom when you’re not there! Other posters basically saying how dare you demand rules for those giving you free childcare…. I didn’t think you were doing that! You’re just asking how to approach it. I’d personally just tell them directly but nicely not to go into your bedroom. :)

I really wish people wouldn’t post stuff like this.

Did you and your siblings ever ask your parents not to come into the bathroom when you were having a bath? If you did, what was their response? I assume that there was no lock on the bathroom door.

You have said that you mum would get upset if you raised this and would cry and say that she was a bad mother. What if you said that your husband didn't want her to come into his bedroom? Would she accept that or would she respond in the same way?

No, just not gullible.

Get a lock in the door.
if she invaded your privacy as a teen then you’re going to feel the same now. It’s ok.

Oh please. A few posts in and things weren't going OP's way, then comes the big drip feed. If her privacy had been invaded growing up, she would have countered this when her parents came round.

Gosh, are you this horrible in real life? You’ve obviously got a massive chip on your shoulder about something 🙄

It’s so ridiculous when posters say just ‘pay for childcare then’ - like this is an easy option - op might not be able to work 1 day a week without free childcare! It’s sooo expensive in this country!!!
op I get it - it feels claustrophobic- had it with my mum… on the face of it how kind she folded your washing or whatever! And you can’t complain etc!

Your parents continuing to go into to your bedroom as an adult is weird, they have problems with boundaries. If you want to continue to accept help from them the. I suggest a lock on your door.

I would kill to have a mother who would look after my children and do my ironing. YABU.

I know my mum would snoop. Not just a little look, but a proper dig about. She has even "accidently" opened mail delivered to my house in the past. I was in another room when it arrived. She doesnt have keys and isnt left alone.

So yes, I'd put a lock on the door. I wouldn't say anything to her. If she raises it, you know you're right but you could say that your child has been going in and there are things you don't want him getting into in there.

Not unreasonable at all, OP - and I think those people saying that, as you're getting free childcare, you should 'pay' for it by losing your privacy for no reason are really missing the point.

If you were saying that, even though she's looking after your child for free, she shouldn't feel entitled to use your kettle, tea and milk, your toilet roll, watch your TV, charge her phone with your electricity etc., you would indeed be extremely unreasonable.

But she has no reason whatsoever to go into your bedroom - it has nothing in that she needs to make her daytime stay at your house comfortable or convenient. What benefit is there to her, apart from going for a snoop around?

Even the ironing was likely not intended as a favour, but as a ruse to be in there. It's also perfectly possible to technically 'help' somebody by doing something with good intentions - objectively a favour - that they nevertheless don't want somebody else to do for them and want to do it themselves. Forced help is no help at all.

Edited as now read the thread! Sorry!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP. If your DM has respected your privacy in the past then you probably wouldn't have an issue. My own DD wouldn't have any issue with me popping into her room because she knows I would only if I needed something and would be respectful as she's an adult. My poor step DIL struggles with my Step son's mum just going in their bedroom and rooting through things it feels a complete violation.