Lads night out at 3 months old

The baby is 3 months old not 3 weeks. He should be able to have 1 night with his friends the same way you should have some time away.

If he's an otherwise helpful and good Dad i'm not sure what the problem is.

Op said the night out isn’t the problem it’s the fact he’s not discussed it with her

Exactly this. My DP went on an overnight stag do when dd1 was 5 days old, and again when dd2 was 2 days old. Both were exclusively breastfed so he wasn’t a necessity at night, and tbh I enjoyed the time just me and the girls.

That said both were shit sleepers, dd2 still is (dd1 started sleeping through as dd2 arrived) so we’ve had 4 years of 2 hourly or more wakes mostly for me as I was the on bf. If life got put on hold until we were getting more sleep, we’d never do anything.

Having a baby can throw a bomb in your life and your relationship, it’s so important to keep a small part of yourself. DP goes on a night out maybe once a month with his friends and plays football. I can’t really be out overnight until dd2 is weaned, so my me time is during the day. It’s just life with small kids, you should have the opportunity to still do your own thing but that might have to look different for mum ha dad.

Yes it’s not the night out / away whatever. I think that’s important so both parties have a break, but checking in first just just would have been thoughtful

3 months isn’t a newborn. Both DH and I had been on a few nights out by that age and we had twins.

I’m surprised so many posters agree with you OP. It’s one night! He should have discussed it with you though.

Are you coping ok generally? You mention going to your parents every day?

It’s rude for him to assume and to just decide he’s going with no discussion and that would’ve pissed me off if I were yoi. I wouldn’t mind him being away for a night at all, personally, but it should’ve been a conversation before he’d agreed to it! My husband went away for 5 nights when our first was a similar age, perhaps slightly older, but it was a very close friends stag do and we’d talked about it and I’d agreed to it beforehand! It was absolutely fine, quite nice in a way as he helped me do a lot of prep work (meals, cleaning etc!) and I put no pressure on myself to do very much at all but have a nice time with baby. Past the first couple of weeks, I was the only one getting up in the night anyway as I was breastfeeding and he was back to work, so didn’t make much odds there admittedly.

He is wrong to just agree and not check with you. That said are you both up with the baby? Assume he is working and you’re on mat leave. Its one night and wouldn’t have bothered me as I did most of the wakings anyway. A weekend is a bit different but one night will be fine i’m sure. Plan something yourself if not bf, even if its a night of sleep in a hotel.

what’s Done is done this time round but I’d Just ask him to check in with you first next time. I remember how hard these days / nights are (I was on my own by the time DC 2 was born) but equally it’s really important that the drudge (for both of you) is broken from time to time.

if you aren’t in a position to physically do this just yet (make sure you do when you can) them as someone else said -can you get a friend or family member over for the night to break it up a bit.

in many ways, even though it was gruelling having a newborn and toddler on my own, the one thing I didn’t have to deal with was resentment of anyone else doing or not doing anything!

I agree, was going to post similar. When you're so sleep deprived it feels awful and really bloody daunting when they're so little.

Could you get your mum or dad round for the night? Or a friend or sibling. Get some tasty snacks, put a film on that you don't care about missing a few parts of if you have to settle the baby. Whatever you guys like doing to relax. Then you could have a nice breakfast together in the morning. Maybe a walk or something after.

I got the burnt out feeling too, I know it doesn't really help but I've been there too, it's shit but it really doesn't last. But I remember how out of my depth and fucking knackered I felt.

If no-one can come round, I'd do similar tbh. Loads of shite reality tv or something easy to dip in and out of, loads of nice food you like and try and enjoy some sort of peace, and the feeling you can do it alone if nothing else. Not that you should have too.
Are you cross with him for planning to going out? Have you told him how exhausted you are?

Gosh let him out it’s been 3 months do you not want a break from him too?
make It an event, nice takeaway, candles on pjs on or even get a friend or family member round to stay.
my DH has been working away mon-Fri since our DD was 3 weeks old. He’s doesn’t want to but the moneys good and mat leave pay isn’t great,

So it’s the approach he’s taken to making the decision to have a night out rather than the night itself. Which is a different issue really?

if this question was the other way around and it was a mum wanting a night away from a 3 month old baby and the Dad was kicking up a fuss I think the responses would be very different!!

Unlike most here, I think YANBU. At the very least, he should have discussed it with you. Unless it's a really special occaision (it doesn't sound like this is), I'd except my husband not just to piss off on a bender and leave me while I'm struggling. Surely he can resume his nights out in a few months' time when things are a bit more manageable.

And how is he going to do that if he's out with his lads?

And my 3 month old (breastfed) would have cried inconsolably until I went to him. My DH is a caring, involved father. But around 8-9 weeks a switch happened in my baby and all he wanted was me. Every 2 hours. Nothing could change that. The least he can do is stay home, cook some food, and take the baby for a couple of hours. And he doesn't get a night off. She doesn't, and neither does he.

@HoppingPavlova Look, I also had a baby whose sleep went to shit early on. By 3 months, being woken every 2 hours was absolute torture. My DH taking the baby for a few hours early evening so I could get an extra hour or two of sleep, cooking some food, and changing a few nappies was EVERYTHING.

The job of the father in those early months is so, so important. He doesn't get to just go on a night out. His wife is doing the hard work, the least he could do is skip a lame night away. He's not a single 20 year old.

I have a 3 month old. Why is the child screaming all night?!

Even if she’s exclusively breastfeeding he can wake up, deliver them for OP to do a side sleeping feed and then take babe back for winding and settling. For how ever many wakes required.

Sounds a pretty good deal to me

He is a married man with responsibilities to his life partner and his new child.

But he thinks it's ok to act like a single guy and unilaterally decide he's going with his pals for a " lads" night away and leave his wife to look after his child.

He isn't a " lad" for heavens sake. He is a grown man. And he should act like one now he has a family.

Yes of course he deserves time to relax with his friends, as does OP. But from what she says he has had the opportunity to go out and enjoy himself.

I would certainly think.less off a man who still thinks of himself as a " lad" and who thinks the woman's place is at home looking after his child while he goes off drinking and whatever else he and his pals are planning.

I get that it's annoying he just assumed. DH and I would always ask each other. Although I think one evening should be manageable.

Extended sleep depravation can make you a bit desperate. Is there a way he can do a bit more generally in settling baby so that you feel less tired? Don't fall into the trap of doing it all and then feeling resentful.

But why would a baby scream inconsolably when being looked after by a loving father for the night?

My partner and I did one night one, one night off for the first few months so one of us always got a rest. I never once was unable to fall asleep because our baby adores her dad. Even now he can get her to sleep much better than I can and she stops crying as soon as he sings to her.

It the dad is leaving the baby screaming alone all night, that’s another issue entirely.

OP - understood the main issue is him not asking. I don’t think policing what’s ‘worthy’ to attend is going to end well in the long run, but he should definitely have cleared it with you first. Do you have any anxieties about being left alone with baby at night?

@89Pandora Do you expect both parents to routinely stay up during the night to keep each other company? That may have worked for you but not many people! Usually one person is off work and one person is at work, so the person off work sucks it up and is ‘lonely’ of a night weeknights and then the person working gives them a break and is ‘lonely’ during weekend nights. Personally, I just stuck on some riveting documentaries when I was up and that was back in the day before smart phones, and pre pay tv/channels on demand when tv shut at a certain time and we had to stick on a VHS/Beta tape if you wanted to watch something. That was all normal, no two person team required.

What a dismissive pile of shit. A mother of a 3 month old is not going to be able to sleep while her child screams inconsolably next door all night.

3 months is way too early. Whoever says you can cope, well yes, but it will be utterly shit and lonely. I had a difficult baby, whose sleep went to shit around 2 months and by 3 months I was broken. If DH had tried to go away, I would have packed his bags and changed the locks.

Arsehole.

He has a baby. His life has changed. He doesn't get to do fun shit like that when he has a non-sleeping newborn at home.

Talk to him about it. But first of all figure out what it is you want.

Do you want him to discuss it with you first before accepting an invitation? That's reasonable and a good rule to have, especially when life gets busy in later years.

Do you want him to put in some effort to put things in place so you have an easier time while he is away? Also reasonable.

Do you want him to also step up before he goes away so you have the opportunity to get some extra rest and be in a better frame of mind to solo parent? Extremely reasonable.

Do you want to put in place some time for yourself? Also reasonable. And essential. You need to do this. It will make you a better parent. DH needs to solo parent so he can appreciate how hard it can be and because your child deserves to have 2 parents who can handle his needs without assistance.

If your DH baulks at any of that, then that will tell you a lot.