Lads night out at 3 months old

Ignore the posters. YANBU. Looking after a very young baby at night and early morning on your own is so difficult and tiring. Your husband will be useless even when he comes home as he’ll be hungover. Posters saying he needs a break? When do new mums get a break?

He should have asked if it was ok - he doesn’t need ‘permission’ as such, but he does need to check that the other member of the team is willing to pick up the slack whilst he goes off with his mates.

for what it’s worth OP, you’ll be fine. Get a takeaway, don’t do anything more than you need to around the house, just relax and chill as much as you can with your baby.

It’s 1 night. Bit different if he was going on a lads holiday for a week, but I really think you should be able to cope for one night.

Arrange a night out with your friends for a few weeks time, share the load.

He doesn't need permission for an occasional night out. Running it by you in case you have other plans perhaps - but that's obviously not the issue here. Yes it's hard when they don't sleep, but don't martyr yourselves, I think it makes it harder in the long run. He can repay you in kind when you're feeling ready, or with a few extra lie ins.

Book into a hotel the night before he goes away so he does the childcare and he'll be fresh and ready for a night out!

He definitely should have discussed this with you, not simply decided and landed it on you.

However as you know, you will be absolutely fine.

You don’t want to take the baby overnight to your parents (which is very considerate), but could you have a night off and go and stay there on your own sometime soon?

You need to discuss with him how this makes you feel and even though he is not unreasonable for wanting a night out, he is unreasonable for simply informing you of said fact.

Good luck.

Totally agree he should have discussed it with you before he confirmed he could go, but I def think he should be able to. 3 day or week old would be different, but by 3 months I think you should both be able to have a night away

Agree.

And the posters telling you to go to your parents for the night are being Very unreasonable.

Ah, classic Mumsnet. Where fellow mums will make you feel stupid for struggling with your first baby and 4hrs of broken sleep each night while the father goes away for a piss up.

No, OP. I think at 3 months in with your first and struggling with it, his place is at home with the both of you until you all feel more settled, content and confident. You come first. Full stop. And yes, it certainly warrants a discussion at the very least, not simply him telling you he’s going.

I’m sorry you’re getting snotty comments from perfect women who were never overwhelmed when they had tiny babies.
In real life, most people don’t want to be parenting alone at this stage.

But how would the discussion have gone that doesn't end up with him essentially asking permission? You'd have said I don't want you to, he'd have said but it's just one night and maybe "I'll do next Saturday" or whatever and you'd either be in the same place as you are now or worse with a huge row. The discussion can come when you do similar and (if) he tries to object. I completely disagree that it's normal for both parents to be welded together and to the house for X months.

As a society we have fetishised parenthood into this Herculean almost impossible task at which all our resources must be aimed. Barring really extenuating circumstances, either parent ought io be able, by three months, to do one night alone without it being daunting. I'm an SP to teens now..they've most definitely had and are having challenges from babyhood on but parenting a baby or child is a normal everyday thing, not a mission to Mars or striving for an olympic gold medal. Maybe if we just accommodated the baby into normal life rather than changing every aspect to revolve around parenting it would be easier.

Everyone else has said it - he doesn't need permission and it's only done night. How would you manage if he had a job where he worked nights, or was in the army and away for weeks at a time? But, yes, start planning your own night away to make sure you also get a break.

My dh had a night away when my ds was 2 months. That was fine with me, I wanted him to have a break and meet his friends. I expected the same in return though I bf so he couldnt return the favour properly for ages. It’s nice to do things for each other and allow each other to have breaks. Having a small dc can be so intense.

It’s 1 night.

as long as of you wanted to do the same he is on board then I don’t see the issue.

The problem would be if he expects to continue a life like a non parent while you do all the parenting.

Whilst on Mat leave I do think the mum picks up a greater weight of household chores but the split should be an equal 50/50 with regards to going out, free time, cooking dinners etc.

To add my ds didn't sleep through until he was almost 3, should neither of us have had a night out for 3 years?

It's one night tbh I don't see how it's different to a lads night locally, because even if he came home if he'd been drinking a fair amount you wouldn't want him dealing with a small baby.

He definitely needs to give you some time off in return, you might not want a night away at this stage but whatever you do want, a night in the spare room with earplugs, a day out with a friend etc.

It’s one night. Baby is 3mths old. Yes many are doing 6hrs at this age. Many aren’t so waking every 2/3hrs is also normal

let him go out. It’s a friends birthday

would you go out if invited for a friends birthday ?

This baby is 3 months old and not a newborn ....

In your first post you said you think he should have said no to the night out and stayed at home, which I don't think is particularly reasonable - although I completely understand and sympathise that 3 month old babies are hard work (mine is 5 months at the moment), having the odd night out or time for yourselves is good for both of you.

But if the issue is actually that he hasn't consulted with you about it, that's more reasonable. He doesn't need permission but it would go a long way for him to say 'I've been invited on a birthday night out and I'm really keen to go. I know the baby is going through a tricky phase just now so is there anything I can do to make it easier for you to manage while I'm out? And let's plan for you to get time to yourself that week as well.'

Of course he should have discussed it with you but I think we've all agreed to make plans in the heat of the moment. Life with a new baby is hard enough, i'd make a point of saying you must discuss these things first and let it go. If it happens again, different story.

He does need “permission”, just as you would need “permission”.

Discussion about these things before agreeing is common courtesy in a marriage, especially when there is a baby in the mix.

I can’t imagine you’d agree to a night away without checking with him first.

This. Plan your own night out. You will manage fine and will surprise yourself.

Dad's are wired different to mums IMO.

Once you become a mum that DC comes first in everything. Dads don't make this change. He will have always made his own decisions based on his wants and needs, he hasn't changed.

Let him have his night out and you get the afternoon off to sleep/relax and chill before he goes?
I had the same experience just after my DS was born and felt similar however looking back I feel different. Probably helps that DH is hands on and always encourages me to have time out too. He actually came home early and didn’t drink much at all, he was too tired!