Lads night out at 3 months old

Also from your 1st post you’ve said “I’m really struggling at the moment” - it’s such a shame that on a website to support mums some of the responses have been

• ”he doesn’t need to ask permission” - I wouldn’t call it asking permission but there needs to be a joint decisions re who’s going on nights out and you should be able to express to your partner if you’re struggling and and need support at home even if they have plans- I don’t know why this is being framed as asking permission.
• “ 3months is not a newborn” - it’s barely not a newborn, come on- it’s not like her dc is 3 years old. And OP has made it clear her baby slept more as a newborn than they do now which is the problem.
• “my DH went on a 5 day trip my child was a day old and I was fine” that’s great for you - but can you see how this would make a new mum who has already said she’s struggling feel rubbish. She doesn’t have an issue with him going out but now is a particularly bad time with sleep and she’s feeling overwhelmed. Saying how easy you found it or that you managed to do it without any other info / advice isn’t really helpful. There will always be someone who’s gone through worse or is in a seemingly more challenging situation but that doesn’t mean OPs feelings of overwhelm are not valid.
• “ she needs a night away on her own but if she wants to martyr herself ..” wouldn't martyring herself be pretending she was happy with her DH going away when she was wasn’t and struggling in silence ? When actually OP has voiced her concerns and asked for help. She may well have multiple nights planned in the future, the problem is she is struggling NOW with sleep deprivation and exhaustion and is worried about the night in the near future ahead on her own. I do agree that finding time for yourself as individuals / a couple is vital but I don’t agree that the solution to this issue is just going out herself in a few weeks / months
• “ the posters suggesting she goes to her parents for the night are being very unreasonable” - just don’t get this one - if she has this help available to her why not accept it. Everyone has the right to raise their kids how they like - OP has support closeby in her parents why would she not utilise that

I hope you are able to have a useful discussion with your DH. And sorry you’ve had such a hard time on here

She’s not ready.

You don’t get to decide that for her.

The reason why so many mums are burnt out is because they refuse to give themselves a break (add to that the amount of people on this forum that make it seem like a crime to want to leave your child for an hour or two 😳) It’s ok to not be with your baby 24/7, it’s ok to want a little time to yourself to recharge. Funnily enough it does you the world of good 😊

Of course she's ready. It just isn't what she would prefer.

So what if she did?
I know lots of cultures where this would be the norm.

Yabu. It's one night. As long as he shares the load normally I don't see issue.

You said - I go to my parents during the day

This reads like you go daily

Arsehole.
He has a baby. His life has changed. He doesn't get to do fun shit like that when he has a non-sleeping newborn at home.

this seems a bit extreme!

Because his partner is not ready to be left overnight alone with the baby.

That’s why it “shouldn’t be”

Sorry. I thought I’d made that clear in the previous post.

The lack of discussion would annoying me. If you parent equally, then it doubles the other person's workload when one parent is out. Of course no one is going to ever say no to a reasonable request. And you would be unreasonable to say he had to stay in when its a one off. But its a bit rude to effectively say 'you're doing my share as well as yours that night' rather than say 'dave has arranged this, and I really want to go, hope ok, I'll take the baby the night before so you're not too knackered'. Also men tend to do this more than women, you don't want to be in a position of default parent, would you ever do that to him without checking first?

I remember being completely knackered and the absolute panic that I would have to do extra.

It's only 1 night. You will ruin your relationship by being this petty.

I think you need to have a conversation that it's the lack of discussion that seems disrespectful rather than the fact he's going out.
I think you need to also plan a night away so you can have a break and he can be in charge for a while.

Oh don’t get me wrong - my first especially was exactly the same, no naps of any significant duration, hated the pram, hated being a baby, but in hindsight still easier than wrangling a tired and unwilling toddler (in my experience anyway).

I think the point is just that if you’ve had to do it sooner than 3 months for whatever reason, your perspective is skewed by the fact it is possible, and tbh not necessarily as awful as you think it’ll be (and again, my experience, but actually made little difference to me if he was there or not given I was bf).

You go to your parents every day?
I really cannot comprehend you're thinking of staying there overnight!

The issue isn’t the night out it’s the lack of discussion about his going away. Have you spoken to him about it? Some men really are selfish gits. It’s not about being given permission they aren’t children it’s having the decency and respect to speak to their partner first.

Communication is your friend.

I really have no idea how some people get through life! Its a 3 month old baby! For one night!

Personally I think he should be able to go on a night out, it's 1 night!!! Not like a week or anything. Neither you or him should be tied down like that and be able to get out once and a while , it will become suffocating

Who says it "shouldn't be"? A single night out for a birthday is perfectly reasonable and normal. Sure OP might not be thrilled about it, but nobody will be any happier or less tired if she forces him not to go. He misses out on fun, the baby still doesn't sleep. Sometimes we need to put on our big girl pants, be brave and see the bigger picture.

Piss ups for ‘lad’s’ birthdays aren’t work trips.

Except OP says that her baby is very difficult in the daytime too. My 3 month olds would only nap for 30 minutes at a time in the day. On top of poor night sleep, they were cranky, unsettled and discontent most of the day. No relaxing naps where ‘popping out for a coffee’ was either possible or pleasurable.

OP never said she expected for it to be years before night away could happen. It’s very reasonable to wait until both parents are feeling more confident and comfortable, and three months old with your first baby is not it.

A lot of young people (both men and women) these days really aren't very resilient. I agree with you. I had to cope for a 3 days trip with a very young baby, and then DH got his 'turn' a few months later when I had a 5 day work trip away and DS was in the throws of teething. Neither kicked up a fuss.

I don’t think anyone’s trying to make her feel stupid, but it is doable, and I mean if you’re linking the ability to go out for a night to baby sleep it’s possible it’ll be years before you can do that (both mine have been atrocious sleepers, eldest started sleeping as youngest was born so has been 4 years of 2-3 hour wake ups on a good night). If anything when everyone’s tired and grumpy, that’s the exact right time to get a bit of time out to recharge, plus easier in a way with a young baby as they’ll nap the next day or you can pop them in a pram and go for a coffee etc.

You don’t need to write like that.

im also post partum. With a newborn and 2 other preschool children. My husband is going away with work for a week next week. So I not only understand the points OP is making, I’m also living a life with a newborn!