Lads night out at 3 months old

How much of the nights does he do?

Because he either does a fair share and can take the brunt the night before and after or he doesn't do a fair share and therefore is making a decision to go without asking you first because he either doesn't know how hard it is or he thinks it's your job.

It’s not about permission, it’s about him being a parent. If he books a night away without consultation, he’s saying OP is the default parent and he doesn’t have to consider who is looking after the baby whilst he is out. For all he knows, OP had organised something for that night.

We’ve been together/married for 25 years and neither I nor my husband would dream of just agreeing to a night out without running it past each other. We both do hybrid working and have to make sure we aren’t both working in the office on the same day. Neither of us need permission, but we are a team who work together so we check with each other that our plans work for the family.

Totally agree with you. Sure, he could say ok I won't go out now, and leave it 3 more months, and then what? Baby is teething and suddenly it's oh nooooooo I don't waaaant you to go out again. In 9 months? Baby has started nursery and has an illness. Oh nooooooo I don't waaaant you to go out. Children are unpredictable. There will ALWAYS be something to throw a curved ball. Even when they are 8, 11 or 15 years old. This is parenthood.
Both mum and dad need downtime. In OP's shoes I would be organising a day out for me, with no responsibilities in a week's time. I am not an evening person who would prefer a day.

He's had more from OP's updates. Regardless – first baby, young baby, struggling mum. No brainer to skip this one out.

I agree ... I've been consoling a hyperventilating young colleague this morning who got a parking ticket.

You could do what my husband and I do, any time he’s had away from the kids I then get the same amount in return. Full on 50/50 split. Stops any resentment, means everyone’s pulling their weight but also you can look forward to some child free time when he comes back - think of how many hours that Is he will owe you! we do it even down to an hour , sounds silly but works great! As we have a baby and a slighter older one

There's always a "pocket of hardship". Teething, growth spurts, colds, tummy bugs, changes of routine as they drop a nap, potty training, weaning, night terrors, boundary pushing, school issues, sibling conflict. At any given time there's usually something that could be better. There's never an ideal time. One day there's bound to be an unavoidable issue which means dad is absent, maybe in a stressful circumstance like injury or bereaved. Imagine having to deal with a solo bit of parenting for the first time on top of that? Again, outwith v unusual circumstances, all parents, male and female ought not to feel that child wrangling alone is Impossible.

That's a jam packed calendar for some mumsnetters.

I think she said he'd had one? In 90 days.

its one night and baby is three months old, I don’t see the issue if I’m honest. But, it would be fair to discuss it.

One night away isn't the issue, but the fact he didn't discuss it beforehand. As a matter of respect and courtesy, to your partner, it should be discussed. No one says a man or woman should need 'permission' from the other, to go out or stay away from home for a night. However, a partner shouldn't have it sprung on them without it even being discussed. There are plenty of women who have to cope with their partner being away overnight for work or even longer. Ask your partner to discuss things like this with you next time, and ask him to cover a nighttime before he goes away. If you are able to ask your parents/sibling or friend to stay over, then do this or see if you can stay elsewhere overnight with your baby, so you have some support if needed. It's daunting being on your own at night with a newborn baby.

Well but this is to the point. Can the DH not care for his child for a single night?

this isn’t what she’s saying though is it!

Adding to my comment I agree with DH he should be able to go out to celebrate his friends birthday. I’d be upset if my DH said no to me. My DS was unsettled had tension and bottle refusal but we always made it work from 10 weeks old we both went out one evening a week wether that be a night out or a walk or popping to see a friend

DH needs to be more understanding and tell you before saying yes but I feel like most mums resent the fact their partner goes out, maybe you need to start leaving baby every so often to get some you time too x

Absolutely.

And perhaps the 'balance' can sway to the OP during this particular pocket of hardship. Especially as the husband has frequent night's out anyway.

Many many things are not optimal in parenting and life in general but reality is that rarely does ONE thing absolutely have to be top of the list. Parenting / work / self care/ maintaining a social support network are all important. Most things in life are not absolutely crucial or life/ death but we find a balance. Maybe it's for the best that the OP does this and gains confidence knowing she coped.

Sometimes I think that having an unsettled baby is a good reason to having a break sometimes and going out with friends for your mental health. Baby has 2 capable parents which means your DH is able to have a night out here and there and so should you.

Do I think DH should have informed you before saying yes? Yes I do! & that’s something you need to tell him in future you want that communication. Do I think he should go? Yes!

I also think you need to leave baba with dad once every fortnight to do something you want to do with friends and have a break too.

Christ Alive, its a baby not a bloody 12 year sentence to hard labour in Siberia

Lighten up

it's a baby, not a prison sentence 😂

Dad AND MUM are allowed to do "fun shit" even when they have a baby. They actually should, it's necessary to get away for your physical and mental health.

Seems you martyred yourself, and look how bitter that made you!

He should ask if you are available to stay with your baby that night before booking something, I agree. If you never make plan and prefer to stay with your baby anyway (and absolutely nothing wrong with that) it seems it's not on his radar that you might not be available yourself.

Tell him!

One of you need to stay with your baby, check what the other is doing before making plans.

OP, I get it. We had a terrible time with DS 1 and I would have really struggled with DH going away.

I think the issue here is that he hasn't considered the impact on you, and certainly doesn't seem to have thought abouot how he could minimise that. There's no chance in hell DH would have gone away when DS was that young - I was barely functioning at that point but I accept we were an extreme case - but even if he wanted a night out etc, he would go, but the discussion would be had around how to mitigate that for me. At that point, I was still going to bed quite early and he'd be up with DS off and on until at least 1am, so if he went out for the night, he did so knowing that the'd have to get up early the next morning as I wouldn't have got any sleep.

You're understandably upset because you're already the "default parent" ie the expectation is that you will do everything, will always be available, and parenting and supporting you just fits into his schedule when he feels like.

‘Possible’ doesn’t equal necessary and for the best however.

You implied that you go to your parents every single day

If you are not coping, can he afford to get you in a ' night Nanny ' and again every single time he goes out overnight on a jolly.

Obiv if you were a single parent or a widow or married to a husband in the forces etc. you would ' cope ' because you have no choice

but when he is going out overnight on a jolly, you do have a choice, as does he.