Lads night out at 3 months old

I agree - I'd rather have a full night off every other night than endless 'shared' nights where I only get woken up frequently for half the night (if that's even a thing).

I don't think we agree on what "taking turn" means.

Having broken sleep for both parents at the same time is not useful, and refusing or resenting the other one for having a one night off is unhealthy.

If you can't be on " double duty" (meaning normal duty) for a couple of days, you really shouldn't have a baby.

In normal couples, instead of refusing for the other to have a life, partners give the other nights off, sometimes to sleep through, sometimes to get away. Much nicer

I agree with others he should have asked but it is only one and it’s important for both parents to maintain friendships.

Sorry you are struggling OP. Parents should discuss their plans with each other because obviously it makes a big difference if the other person is there or not, however, I don't think a couple of nights away and a couple of evenings out in 3 months sounds unreasonable. You should also have a break too though so definitely plan something in.

I then we do a disservice to mums when we lie (because often it is a lie) and say that sleep will get better as they get older.

Often regressions etc means their sleep deteriorates, as you are now finding. I think it would be kinder it we warned women this might happen.

However, 2-3 hours during a regression seems terrible to you because it's less than it was, but objectively, it's still pretty good. It took till 18m for my second to be that good a sleeper!

Things like nights out need to be discussed, and I think he needs to shift his mentality from being in charge of only himself, to being part of a team.

That said, you're on maternity, not working, have no older children to juggle, and baby is still sleeping reasonably well. I'd be happy for him to go. There's no point waiting a few months because whilst sleep might be better, it might not.

You can't see how having another adult on hand to take turns getting up with a fractious baby in the night so you at least get some rest is better than having to do it alone? Someone to hold the baby for you to go to the toilet, get a drink, prepare a feed? Or why it would be better, even if it was your 'turn' to do the night shift, that your partner would be getting a sober nights rest, so he could step up next day and rather than being the worse for a big night out so youre on double duty again? If course its possible to manage all of it on your own, but if you care for someone, why would you want them to?

n an ideal world, you'd be married to a man who was aware of the strain his night out would put you under, and would decline the invitation of his own accord because he actually wanted to support you.

how is your partner declining an invitation going to help you in any way?

You want to be helpfu and supportive with a baby? You take turn, you don't need 2 parents being kept awake at the same time, what's the actual point of that?

People are being ridiculous. I know misery is supposed to like company, but trying to make parents life as miserable as possible is bizarre.

I think that assumes that the OPs husband is a compliant individual who will do as he's told if the OP tells him no. In reality, he is likely to push back strongly if she attempts to 'nip it in the bud' either with flat out refusal to stay in, or via emotional manipulation to make OP believe she's in the wrong for trying to control and restrict him. Some men are very quick to appropriate language used to describe abusive behaviour such as 'controlling' and weaponise it against women who want them to provide reasonable support. Women then often believe themselves to be at fault. I'm assuming the OP isn't at the LTB stage, so will be looking for ways to navigate her husband's behaviour to make it work.

But if she had (and she hadn't so it's not actually relevant) made plans without discussing it first, they'd be just as bad as each other surely?
This is how parenting turns into competitive martyrdom. Far better to start from a place of both having a reasonable level of autonomy and independence.
It should be perfectly acceptable to tell your spouse you are going out sometimes. No chance am I asking every time - that's not healthy.

We looked after a 3 month old for a week because mum was really struggling. He was really unsettled, had tummy issues, cried a lot, was sleeping badly. It was really full on. The only way I managed it, as a fully experienced mum was because there was two of us and we tag teamed each other, sharing the load. I could have managed one night by myself, but it would have been hideous. There were times when my team mate changed her plans without telling me and I had to manage when I thought I’d have a break. That was really hard and I was really annoyed at her.

I’d say this is a battle to choose. Nip this crap in the bud.

Why would she have to tell him immediately? It doesn’t have to be at the exact same time. Maybe her friend called to arrange something that morning, or the day before and she hasn’t got round to telling him yet. Why couldn’t he say “let me check it’s ok” first? That’s common decency. Why are so many people here defending this dickhead?

This nails it.

My husband would never want to add to my stress or struggles. Not would I to him.

Maybe that’s why I can’t comprehend the responses in OP’s partner’s favour on here.

He’s been out a few times in three months. If the poor little lamb needed a break he should have done the adult thing and sat down and talked to her about it. If his break is going to make things much harder for OP, why does his need trump hers? He’s a parent now and it isn’t just his life he needs to consider. This isn’t about him needing a break it’s about him deciding his lads night out is far more important than taking care of his baby. Sure she could talk to him about it but I’d bet my house that he gaslights her into saying she’s being controlling.

I can’t believe anyone here is defending him. If OP had posted she had agreed to go on a boozy night out without telling her husband, whilst the baby was going through a particularly difficult phase she’d be told what a terrible parent/wife she was being.

In an ideal world, you'd be married to a man who was aware of the strain his night out would put you under, and would decline the invitation of his own accord because he actually wanted to support you. I mean, it's not like the worlds running out of beer and nights out will soon be a thing of the past, so its not a big deal to make some sacrifices while the demands of his child are so high. Unfortunately you are not married to such a man so are probably looking at a bit of push and pull on an ongoing basis when it comes to getting him to prioritise his family commitments. In these cases, it can be pragmatic to choose your battles, otherwise he's going to start moaning you're 'controlling' and make it a you problem.

Surely if she had plans she would have told him? Unless you're saying they both happened to make plans at the exact same time, and neither of them thought to discuss it?
There's no reason to think she couldn't make plans if she wanted to. That she doesn't is not evidence that she couldn't.

He's not unreasonable to have a night out - but it was really unfair to book and confirm without checking in with you.

It's not about 'permission', it's about kindness and consideration for your life partner and mother of your child - especially when that child is very young and that life partner is struggling.

Even now my DH tends to check in when he's organising something - not in a 'can I do this please?' way but more of a 'I was going to head out with the guys on such and such a night, just wanted to check there's nothing that'll clash with it before I confirm?' way. It's just basic courtesy between partners and co-parents.

I really sympathise - my son has CMPA and silent reflux and I genuinely believe that people will never understand what that is like until they have experienced it because my son has pushed my sanity at times. So I think in this scenario, I can understand why you feel the way you do. It is extremely difficult and I don’t think you are wrong for feeling how you feel given the circumstances.

This has happened once in 3 months. DH clearly felt like he needed a break and said yes to a night out for his friends birthday. Whilst I agree he should of spoke to OP first I think it’s really petty and unhelpful to do the same back to try and make a “point”
why is it hard to deal with situations like adults? Just tell DH he needs to consult you in future and that you’ll be planning an evening out soon to have some me time too. Why the petty ness or the tit for tat?

It isn’t about permission. He didn’t know she didn’t have plans, he made an assumption. Why wait until the clash until you have the discussion? This is about a bloke making her default parent. If that’s ok with you, raise your bar.

Because sometimes this is the only kind of thing that makes it clear something is an issue. As we can see here, so many people are berating OP and making excuses for him. I daresay he’ll make the same excuses. Buggering off and leaving him to deal with it might just wake him up to reality. It isn’t petty at all, but even if it was, there is nothing wrong with that.

Zero issues from my perspective as long as it balances out. Then again my DH has DS for 2 or 3 nights by himself when he was less than 2 weeks old as I was back in hospital.

It clearly is about permission because the OP obviously doesn't have plans. She only wants the discussion so he will stay at home with her. It's perfectly fine to make plans when you know your partner has an empty calendar - the discussion would come if there was clash.

What a load of nonsense. This has nothing to do with resilience it has to do with respect. If you would be happy with your child’s father just deciding they were going off for a couple, of day without consulting you, then you need to raise your bar.

Young people today are just as resilient as any other generation. This “back in my day” stuff is a load of rubbish.

Bad advice. How can OP possibly bring up a “you need to consult me and communicate before saying yes now we have a child” if she is petty and does the same back…